I realized this morning that I tend to mock things that I don’t understand. This realization wasn’t a joke, it was a genuine awareness that when I don’t really “get” something I somehow end up mocking it. Uber conservatism is an example. I don’t really get why/how people believe that stuff and therefore end up making jokes about it. It’s a bad habit, a destructive habit, and a potentially hurtful habit. I should stop. And I will. Tomorrow.

But sometimes, I realized, it can be a pretty funny habit. What if I started mocking everything I didn’t understand… literally everything…including trigonometry or organic chemistry. So without further adieu here’s my first “I’m Mocking You Because I Don’t Understand You” list:

1. Hey music theory, why don’t you find something better and more productive to do. Notes are for telling people thank you. Loser.
2. Hey laser pens, yeah thanks a lot for helping me to point at my Powerpoint slide show. I only wish there was another easier way to do it…oh wait, I have a finger.
3. Hey you, cellular technology, thanks for the radiation in my ear lobes.
4. Black and white, are you colors? Are you the absence of colors? Or what? I may not know exactly what you are, but I’m pretty sure you’re boring. Go hang out with purple and learn to have a good time.
5. Hey Dow Jones…who are you and why did you eat all of America’s jobs? Hungry? Try a hot pocket next time. Dow Jones jerk.
6. Dear Colin Powell, why isn’t your name Collin? Thats kind of weird, maybe you should stop being weird. Weirdo.
7. Hey there Ugh boots, you’re Ugh-ly. You make me want to Ugh-chuck my dinner.