It’s funny how one of the first places we all went when the tumor stuff started was cause. Why in the world would a tumor pop up in the middle of my spinal cord in the middle of my back? (clearly and soberly the hope is that it didn’t metastasize from some other place. If this ends up being true then the jokes just aren’t quite as funny! Which makes me want to write this blog sooner than later! Ah!) I’ve been joking about how I never should have started taping my cell phone to my back as I walked around. Damn celular radiation! Then we had some who have questioned the 1920’s community home that we live in. Are we living in a mold-infested and toxic laden home that is causing both my son and I to have negative and surprising health concerns?! We’re all trying to figure out the why question and so I’ve decided to make a list of some of the things that changed 4-5 months ago. These things are potentially directly correlated to the emergence of the tumor in my spine and Jones’ swollen lymph nodes and must be treated as so:
- Valentines Day. Could our over consumption of chocolate and excessive euphoria due to the mad card making we did for my wife really have caused something like this? Timing would say yes!
- Obio the cat. Ok, so maybe we already had Obio at this point…but I feel like I started being annoyed at the way he used his kitty litter right about this time period. This was a major change and cannot be ruled out.
- That one dude. You remember who you are. I met you at the pub, we talked about gardening and chickens and such. You had brown hair, drank some local brew…I feel bad but our meeting just so happens to coincide and I cannot rule you out ’cause I think at one point you brushed up against my back.
- Ikea Rug. This ones it. We bought that grey flowery rug at Ikea and put it right upstairs in our bedroom where I sleep! Correlation made and confirmed!
- Costco membership. I knew there’s just too much good stuff at Costco, too many free samples, too many flashlights in one package…too much to not make a connection to the fact that we started shopping at Costco again at the beginning of this year. Coincidence? Only my surgeon can say.
- Christmas. So maybe I’m stretching back a little too far here, but there is a chance that Christmas did this to me. Christmas brings with it all sorts of alternative and new experiences. Eggnog, yule logs, bearded men in chimneys…
- North Carolina. I should have never gone to North Carolina! Spending time with JWH and the Rutba people, watching Durham literally shut down after an inch of snow, and sitting in a classroom under the tutelage of my professors must have done something to my body that was irreparable!
- Exercise. I think I remember trying to actually exercise at the beginning of the year. I’m a little fuzzy on the details right now but if my memory serves me correctly I tried to exercise and even that attempt may have given me a tumor. Important note to self: for the sake of my family do not go running, weight lifting, or use any elliptical machine.
Changing gears and speaking a big more seriously I am not one to look for causes. I am not one to seek out justification, to try to figure out how God has “willed” something like this to happen. My five year old son seems to share my perspective because the night before my surgery I sat down with my son and tried to have a special conversation with him regarding “daddy’s big day”.
Jones: “daddy, it’s not that big of a deal”
Me: “You don’t think so?”
Jones: “People all over the world have tumors right now”
Me: “I guess you’re right. I guess this is something new to our family but it’s actually pretty normal on a global perspective huh?”
Jones: “Yeah. And many of those people are dying from them.”
Me: “Dying? I like to think that many people are finding new life as those tumors are removed from their bodies!”
Jones: “What about people in Africa who do not have access to adequate medical facilities or doctors?”
Me: “Wow, you’re right. I guess we should feel really lucky and special that we live in a place where we have such good doctors huh?”
Jones: “Yeah. Can I have another pillow I’m ready for bed.”
Me: “Sure. Goodnight.”
Talk about perspective right?! Stuff happens and we don’t know why. Sometimes we’re blessed to find a cause and sometimes we are not. In my case…and I may look foolish in saying so I just can’t help but marvel at the timing of it all. The week I finished grad school and entered into what was supposed to be a two week sabbatical period was when the painful symptoms emerged. Then week following my two week sabbatical was the moment I had been counting down to when my time was completely 100% freed to do what I had been working toward doing for four years–namely giving myself completely to the work of creating the Grassroots Conspiracy in the downtown community. Instead on that first “free” Monday I was on my back for eight hours in MRI machines. Timing wise nothing was going according to plan, my eagerness to enter into new activity kept getting interrupted by all this health stuff! A good friend of mine and someone I respect deeply reflected that it
Seems like health issues come in waves, especially when…on the cusp of some strategic ministry breakthrough.
Essentially it seems like when big things are about to happen big things tend to happen (I’m quite the writer eh?) The irony beauty of all this is that instead of ME trying to work and create something in our community, everything has been turned around. I’ve been thrust into the test tube of our own dreaming. We sought out to create a community of people who are learning to buy into the Jesus way of dying to self and living for others and rather than having space and energy to live it out myself I am being forced to be the guinea pig. At first I hated it, it embarrassed me to be the recipient of all of your love. Today it still embarrasses me and continuously freaks me out as my family is showered with the love, care, and selflessness of an entire community! I’m supposed to be caring for you! I’m supposed to be doing this, I’m supposed to be coordinating meals for MY neighbors, I’m supposed to be helping YOU. Oh the irony beauty of it all. You all are amazing. Whether you like it or not you are living out the Christian narrative. Isaiah 61 captures the backwards nature of it all–broken people are bound up, mourning is turned into joy, justice if found, beauty instead of ashes–everything is turned around made backwards and beauty emerges. Love it.
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
and its happening before my very eyes…
Like Jones said, “tumors happen”. The real story here is that prayer, love, and sacrifice that has been given to my family because of you all does not “just happen”. You people are co-conspirators of the greatest kind.
Ryan, you are truly a beautiful person. For all those who tempted me with the taste of Jesus and honey, you would be the first to slow me down enough to listen. I love you. Jason Mayer.
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