Don’t be ashamed or disappointed in me, but I don’t understand or get prayer one bit. And this blog will not be one that details my confusion about prayer and how God works. That’s too big a topic, it’s too dear to my heart right now to spill out, and I wouldn’t even know where to start.
But I feel compelled to share that I don’t know if God will choose to heal me. I don’t. I believe he can. But I don’t know if he will.
Is this a lack of faith in my God? Maybe, but I don’t think so.
When I look at the life of Jesus I see a few very clear things about the nature and identity of God (’cause if we want to know about God we should look at Jesus right…I mean he is the most clear picture we have of how God thinks and acts). I see that Jesus had incredible compassion for people and that he hated to see people suffer. I see that when he encountered people who wanted healing he showed compassion and brought healing in one way or another (but rarely the same way twice). I see his compassion not just in bringing physical healing but in bringing holistic healing. He didn’t just get rid of the skin disease but he touched the untouchable person–that goes deeper than physical healing and begins to enter into the emotional realm. He didn’t just heal people physically but liberated oppressed people through his teaching and empowerment. And then clearly Jesus wasn’t just liberating people physically but inviting them into a new world of living that was free of fear of death because of a hope in resurrection and new life. Jesus was all about bringing life both here, now, and forever. I buy into that and therefore place hope in the fact that he can and wants to heal me from cancer.
BUT! (yes, I think there’s a but)
I also see that Jesus didn’t heal everybody. People died around Jesus, even his friends died. Not every cripple that lived in the time that Jesus walked around the Mediterranean was given the gift of walking. Even further, most every follower of Jesus that is considered a main character in the story not only died but was killed because they followed Jesus. They weren’t rescued from pain but entered into it because there was some larger story that they were invited into. Following Jesus actually allowed them to face death without fear. Why fear death if you know that death has no hold on you? Death plays a huge part in following Jesus–its a part of the story that can’t be ignored. I mean obviously even Jesus didn’t avoid it and hung next to a couple other guys that didn’t avoid it either (though I don’t think any of those three had cancer…though I can’t prove it!)
I’m not claiming to write a thesis here on Jesus and healing, nor am I going to make attempts at backing up every theological point I’m making (or not making). I’m not saying that I’m ready to die from cancer. I can say that I’m not ready to buy into any time frames that the statistics give me (though again, with my freakish cancer there aren’t actual specific statistics). And I can say that I want to believe and hope that I am ready for whatever my story brings me. And I can say that I want to believe that God can heal my broken body in an instant. But I also want to say that he can also work miracles in the story of my death. We all die, the question is how and to what end.
So please keep praying for my cancer to disappear, for a freakish miracle to happen that baffles every one of my oncologists, radiologists, surgeons, and pathologist. I think that would be a beautiful story and I want to tell it. But also know that part of my prayer is that God doesn’t just defeat the cancer but that he transcends it–which means that if it does take my life (and the surgeon says it will) the story that God can create will be bigger and better than I could have ever imagined. Life out of death–beauty instead of ashes–first are last–meek inherit the earth–God does stuff backwards and upside down both in death and life. That’s the story the Bible is constantly telling.
Lets tell an amazing story together.
Hey Ryan,
You are right: seeing God's intention and God's ability are two different things. I'm so thankful that – no matter what the outcome – your friends and family get to see you and your faith during this difficult time – and through that they get to see Jesus.
I am pray so hard for you this morning….I am so inspired my u. I witness your families strength from across the ocean. I love you and am sending healing thoughts directly at you and your body.
A hammer lays quiet and lifeless and still, it can't on it's own do a thing, but placed in the hands of the one with the skill, its pounding will make heaven ring.
When we die to self to live for Christ we become His tool. I'm not saying you"re "A Tool" I'm saying God will use you to seek and safe the lost. As you and your guinnea pig self well know you are a capable tool that has had a few small prodjects here and there, but you my friend are being set up for greatness.
Some of us will just be a finger or an arm pit hair, you, you get to be a word, a statement to God's greatness, a gift of presence to some poor wondering soul drifting trying to find some one they can relate to in their time of struggle, and guess what, YOU'RE IT!
Ryan you da man. I love your spirit. I love your grace. I love that you know. Keep on truckin' man, be the light on the sea shore. let it shine let it shine let it shine brother.
Ryan, I appreciate your ability to express yourself so openly and honestly. I love how you are able to confront this now, accept it as reality, instead of waiting until tomorrow to see if there is a better answer. My prayers for you will be for healing but also for your life to be utilized in a way that will most bless those around you and others who may come to Christ because of you, which may not come in the form as healing, and for a lot of people that is hard to accept. Please keep writing, not only so we can know what is going on with you physically, but I think your emotional, spiritual, and mental story is so important for all of us to hear.
I am grateful that my daughter, Angelina Denver, brought your family to my attention (once again). I have known of and believe been in the presence of Kevin often over the years. You touch me with your honesty and your continued faith. I remember many years ago a friend once shared these words, "I don't know what the future holds; but I know who holds the future!"
My wife, Cheryl, and I will be praying for your healing! We know that God is able and we will charge the gates of heaven on your behalf. May you find comfort in the knowledge that MANY have already been touched by your life and spirit. I praise God that you are His servant and that you are my brother.
Ryan,
Jan and I are following your blogs, very well written and thought provoking. We are praying for you and your family.
Larry Redelsperger
Ryan,You don't know me but, I know your parents and I have become aware of your trial not too long ago. I want to give you all the encouragement and love through the Holy Spirit as I can possibly muster. Your blog has touched my heart and your courage to "be normal", "be real" and "be open" and share this experience with so many of us that may or may not………..I guess that is the thing that I would say is that for some people who actually may someday walk this same path you are right now, they will have someone to turn to that is a "faithful" believer in Christ. Who ministers through it all. THIS is your ministry right now Ryan. Though you have days where you feel you let your wife and children down, I am thankful that you are real about it.You are open about your confusion and disappointment but, your understanding that God chooses to heal you or allow you to "Touch" someone's life by your own testimony is very inspiring.
Saying that I will pray for you seems so "common", so "expected" but, much more I want to tell you that I will pray for "peace" that passes all understanding, that God will show his face to you during this time and that you will "feel" him alive next to you, that your family will be comforted and protected against the ugly face of cancer and uncertainty. Your truly a gift Ryan. God has chosen a special man to walk this path. Sooooo many lives will be touched AND changed because of you. I am blest to know you, even if it is virtually. Sweet Blessings to you my friend, Alexa Stevens (sister to Kathy Birchem, Cindy Bristow and the gang)
Ryan,
I HATE that this is happening to you and your family. I wish I could take it all away. I've finally had a moment to sit and read through all of your blogs and my heart is just breaking for you and Jess and the kids…tears have not stopped rolling down my face…except for the parts where you made me lol. Your man Diaz is sooo right, you are being set up for greatness my friend, like Joseph, Job, and Paul. But that doesn't make it any easier. This SUCKS and seems so unfair…Jesus would agree having faced certain death…for the greater good. I believe in miracles Ryan and the power of prayer. You are doing wonderful things through this tribulation and the Lord will transcend it! Keep the faith, lean on HIM for you strength and know that HE IS IN CONTROL. Luv you Bro.
ryan, yes greatness is happening, when we look at you…" yes god ,i see you" and the faith OF christ. thank you for the energy to share this journey,we are all blessed to witness and to watch "since much has been givin,much will be required" thank u !!
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Thanks for the authenticity and you sharing in a public way your thoughts about what is happening. We have been following the play-by-play (or should we say the blow-by-blow) through our friends at Westside Chelan and Aaron and my cousin Andrea and James. You have been in our prayers.
We are so sorry about your cancer and really do pray, along with so many, that God does choose to heal you before things get worse and turn your full recovery into a testament to His power and faithfulness. As you said, He has big things in store of you, in life and in death. Perhaps we are selfish, but I hope there is a LOT more of the former before the latter comes to your door.
Blessings to you, Jessica, and your family!
Ryan, I am friends with Aaron and Chelan Metcalf, actually Aaron married my husband and I last year here in Texas. I have been so touched by your story and…I just ache for you and your family. I know how hard this is. My Mom died of cancer three years ago but it took 2 terrible years for it to happen. It's a horrible disease. We all suffered because of it and it changed our lives forever.
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I want to relate a true story. A present day story, where a miraculous 'freakish' healing took place. A three year old boy began to limp one day. His mother questioned him. 'Did you jump off of something?" "Did you twist it somehow?' 'Did you sleep on it funny?' A few days went by, limping, but one morning when he woke up, he was fine. A few weeks later a repeat. This time the mother called the dr. But by the time the appointment came, the boy was fine again. A few weeks later a second repeat. This time the mother insisted on an appointment that day. The dr checked the boy, decided to do an x-ray. The results were not good. The 3 year old boy's hip was filled with some unidentified mass. The mother was devistated. An effort similar to yours took place with many of the community praying. He was put on crutches and sent to a specialist the next week.
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By the appointment with the specialist, he had lost most of his mobility in that tiny hip and the leg was more than an inch shorter. The specialist set up an MRI (in those days, it took several weeks on a waiting list and a long drive to a large city) and he said that it most probably was cancer or some other degenerative bone disease. Tragic. The mother pleaded with God to heal her son. The day before the MRI, the mother and father went to the bank to borrow the $2500 to pay for the MRI, because in those days you had to pay up front if you didn't have insurance. While the couple were gone, the sick boy and his older brother and his baby sister stayed with their grandparents.
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While the couple were gone, the grandparents did something they knew the couple would not approve of. They did a crazy ceremony for healing on the little boy with some of their church members and some of their friends. When the mother arrived, all her children were crying uncontrolably! The older brother sat hiding in a corner clutching the baby sister and the sick little boy lay on a table covered by a white cloth. He had cried so long and hard that his sobs would not let him speak.
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This literally scared the shit out of me! This boy I'm telling you about was MY little boy, and I was so mad at the grandparents that I was afraid to even speak for saying something unforgiveable. But as I walked away, I said to my husband "what if it works?' The next day we had the MRI. Results were slow coming in 1987, when my story took place. But while we waited, my little boy got better. In two weeks, there was no repeat. When we returned to the specialist to learn the MRI results, the man was speechless. He had no expaination as to why the mass had simply vanished, and upon examining my son saw that his leg was exactly the same length as the other leg!!! Is this 'freakish' enough for you? It's real. It happened to us and praise God.
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I can only tell you this Ryan, I don't know what happened. But my boy WAS healed. Deep in my heart, I think it was because the crazy grandparents had more faith than me. God promises us that with faith we can do anything. And I am so very grateful that those people had this kind of faith, because at the time I was so numb and hurting with fear that I forgot to really believe. Your human mind fills up with so many 'what if's' that there is no room for that dead on total belief in what our God can do. Ryan, I want you to remember what God can do. You need to find your faith man. Find faith. I too will pray for you.
Blessed be,
Bunny from Texas
Lack of faith? No. I don't think so. But that's just my opinion. God will use you to be a light to the world. I know he already has as I've seen many of my friends share your blogs on facebook and comment on your faith and God working through you. I can't imagine what you're dealing with physically, emotionally and spiritually, but I believe that our God is using you to inspire others through the faith you do have. I met Christian man once after he was diagnosed with cancer. He had just been told he had 6 months to live. He told the dr "If I'm alive this time next year, I'm taking you out to a steak dinner, on me." And he did. But in that 18 months of life he had knowing he had cancer, he lived his life like he was dying. He wasn't afraid to be bold to share the gospel with others. He loved people like he never loved people before. Oh, there were some hard parts there. But he was a genuine godly man. I never really knew him, but he wanted God to use him for His glory. And God did. And so many lives were blessed because of it. Including mine. And I believe too that no matter what the outcome for your life, God will use your story to bless others. My prayer for you and your family is that others are inspired to love God and to follow Him because of the faith you have in Him to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine according to the power that is at work within you. To Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever. Amen.
Healing and the death is true nature of the world. Every human being and every thing in this world has to die because its the true nature of the life. The human should help each other to make their life easy and happy.