I still stand behind what I have said. I still believe it. I still believe that death is inevitable for us all, that God never promises to bring healing but to tell a beautiful story in our death whether it is sooner or later, tragic or ordinary. But I am learning that having courage in the face of potential death gets harder the closer you get to it. Today I’ll receive the results of my latest MRI. If the scans look good (no tumor growth or tumor regression) then we continue with my monthly chemo regimen. If the scans look bad then we’ll have to pursue an alternative set of treatments. Back in early October it was easier to receive the news that the chemo/radiation combo didn’t seem to work because there was a fairly similar and not-very-invasive next step available (what I’m doing now). But the further we get down the line of available treatments the more nervous I get. So attempt number one didn’t work (surgery). Attempt number two didn’t work (chemo and radiation). And today we’ll find out if attempt number three worked. How far down this list of treatment options do I want to go? With each new attempt death becomes more and more of a reality–and if I were to be quite honest what scares me most about death is not the death itself. No, what freaks me out most is two things, one is leaving my family behind and the other is an odd sense of purposelessness in the present.

We’ll see. It could be that, as my mom jokes, the latest MRI will reveal that what they thought was a tumor turned out to just be a gnarly scab. (Oddly, by the time most of you read this there will already be an update with test results) Regardless of test results today I’m just tired. I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of being useless. I’m tired of my wife being tired. I’m tired of my kids being stressed. I’m tired of my dog eating my cats poop on top of my pile of laundry that we can never keep up on. I’m tired of feeling guilty at every single doctors appointment. From my oncologist, to my naturopath, to my physical therapist, to massage therapists, and everyone else I either have to lie or let them down when they find out that I’m tired of trying to eat healthy, of drinking the amount of water I need to, of doing my exercises at home, and…the list goes on and on of things I should be doing.

I hope and pray that it’s good news today, but it’s hard not to live in the potential reality of it being bad news.

(don’t worry friends and family, don’t freak out too much. I’m doing my best to give you an open and honest window into the ups and downs of my own personal experiences with cancer. One moment I feel great and the next I feel terrible. One moment I’m filled with hope and am an inspiration to the world and the next I’m banging my head against the wall and feeling worthless. I want you to see and be a part of both ends, of both extremes because its the reality of what all this is like. Thank you for walking with us in all this…even if its only through the virtual world known as the interwebs)