Yesterday Jess and I got together with our mentor and good friend. He was in town from Kentucky (the fact that he lives there is something we have forgiven him of) and was kind enough to take time to be with us and to help me cross off one more of my must-go-to restaurants.

The purpose of the get together was to both catch up but also more pointedly to talk about me being sick, Jess finding space for health, etc. Our hope was that he could speak into our lives a little bit and bring some clarity and his hope (I think) was to figure out how in the hell he (and the Kairos community he represents) could tangibly help us.

In the context of this conversation he plainly asked Jess and I “Have y’all yet made arrangements for when Ryan dies?”

WHAT?! I mean, I know that I write it in my blogs. I know that I joke about it freely. But to hear it from another voice almost stung my ears. WHEN I die?!

Rewind a week ago to when I posted about our most recent MRI results. There was an outpouring of support that was amazing and wonderful. But one friend when she reposted my blog also commented in her facebook status that “her friend was losing his battle against cancer…”

WHAT?! I mean, maybe it’s true, but to hear it written out so plainly stung my eyes a bit. I’m losing the battle?!

Ugh, maybe it’s all true and maybe it isn’t. The medical facts say that it is. I want to think that it isn’t. And there’s room to accept both. It’s true that I’m losing my battle against cancer, it’s true that we’ve got to make decisions concerning when I die, and it’s been important for Jess and I to learn to talk about this stuff. But to read it from other sources, to hear it from outside myself was such a surreal experience–I’m not sure I even have words to write any more about it. But I need to hear and read these things. I needed people to repeat back what I’ve said, to repeat back what doctors have said, to bring me to a measure of reality–not that the future reality of my health is set by any means!

Regardless it would be wise of me to decide and write down who gets my basketball card collection if when I die. It may be 40 years down the line or 40 days. We really don’t know do we?

Finally (and with complete and utter seriousness) please know that this blog wasn’t written in some morose and depressed state. It was, in fact, written with a sense of lightheartedness. I wasn’t sad to read/hear my friends words. I was, in fact, impacted by them and their simple honesty. Unlike my words in this specific blog where I dance round and round ideas and thoughts, those two sentences cut to the exact heart of what I’ve written, thought, and even spoken. What was so shocking was how simple, real, and true those statements were. So please don’t think this is as much a downer blog as it is…as it is…well, I’m not sure what it is. It just is. Is that enough?