Does our definition of family need to die? I’ve read two different books recently that both question how we’ve come to define family (Untamed and Unclean). I won’t claim to do either books justice because they’re both amazing and articulate, but I will ruminate publicly a bit with you about the implications of this idea.

In general brand new slimy babies dont’ know the difference between family and not-family. It’s learned. They learn who is safe and who is familiar. Those safe and familiar people are generally called family. Some parents include friends into that safe and familiar group but often times even those friends are given family-type names like “aunt” even if they aren’t. Essentially as our children grow we help them to create a box around those who are “in” (family) and those who are not (everyone else). I don’t think this is a wholly unhealthy distinction, but I think it’s vallid to observe. We are trained from babyhood through adulthood to make these distinctions–to create boundaries.

In America we’ve come to a place where both the church and in a superficial way politics are all about protecting the family. “Family values” has become a term all unto itself, something that supposedly needs to be rediscovered and protected. The breakdown of the family is viewed as a primary reason for the demise of America (America is in demise right?). The church often sees themselves as the primary movers and shakers in restoring the family. Family first! Family family family. Oh, but by family we’re referring to a husband, a wife, 2.1 children, and maybe a dog. We’re referring to the nuclear family–a very exclusive club to break into.

Has family then become a tool of excluding love rather than extending it?

Here’s the thing about Jesus. Jesus doesn’t define family like all of that. Jesus actually invited people into a broader definition of family–one that included those who not only have no blood relation but those who are wholly ‘unlovable’. Jesus even claims that following him will bring division to family units because his invitation is for love to extend beyond those boundaries! Interestingly enough much of the time Jesus experienced exclusion it was due to his radical love of outsiders. So when he says that following him will divide families my hunch is that he was speaking somewhat out of experience!

Alan and Debra Hirsch suggest that

The perfect family, if there is such a thing, is not an idealized nuclear unit of consumption, but an inclusive, warm, inviting environment where people can get a glimpse of true community, and therefore of heaven.

What if we allowed our definition of family to be just a bit larger? What if we allowed it to be a tool of inclusion rather than exclusion? What if we viewed hospitality as a reverential act, one that truly could not only change the world but transform a persons life. While the religious right spends their time trying to protect family values millions of people are suffering due to loneliness and exclusion. Protecting family values, if I understand Jesus, necessitates a posture of love and openness to our neighbor. And, again, if I understand Jesus correctly, our neighbor includes those that we might even be tempted to hate.

Family can become an idol if, and when, we value it over and above Jesus’ invitation to open our lives up to others. Because if our goal is to create boundaries of exclusion we are immediately in danger of viewing true hospitality as a threat rather than as a gift.