This is the third time it’s happened in a little over a month. Every two weeks seems to be the rate. In literally an instant* I can go from feeling great to being admitted to the ER. Each time I’ve ended up in the ER it’s happened because my body has turned on me in about one to two hours. I’ll go from having lots of energy (please don’t forget it’s all relative!) and feeling really well to having an unmanageable debilitating headache, vomiting, and all those fun aches that go along with feeling sick. And strangely enough it only happens on the weekend where our only recourse is the dreaded hospital! Fun times. (fun times especially when a weekend ER visit usually necessitates canceling our Sunday community meal. Boo)
It’s the same routine every time we go there too. They very quickly get me my own room in the back so as to protect me and my low immune system from all the germs/bacteria/etc. Then we wait and wait for the specialized people to come and “access my port” or in other words to get my IV hooked up to my chest. This usually takes longer than it should, upwards of an hour most nights. Once the port is accessed they get me lots of fluids, anti-nausea meds, and begin the pain killer dance. Eventually they get me a CT scan, have me cath so they can test for a UTI, and then try to kick me out before my headache is gone.
In the end there’s never a legit reason as to why I get so sick so quickly. Is it from all the different meds I’m on? Maybe. Dehydration? Probably. Jacked up nerves? Always. Tense muscles? Most likely. UTI? At times. Flu? Maybe. In the end I go home and at times feel completely better by the very next day. Other times it takes days to recover.
Jesus once cautioned us to “[not] worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I like and hate that. It’s a statement that’s more true than I’d ever want to believe; it’s a statement that used to sound comforting but today feels more dangerous than anything else. It feels dangerous because I’m seeing how true it really is, no matter what happens today I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow may bring. The fact that it worries me more than brings me comfort shows the reality of where I’m at right now emotionally and physically–because those words warn me that no matter how good I feel today tomorrow may bring incredible sickness! In my more optimistic moments (not to invalidate either side-the optimistic one and the pessimistic both have a place in the grief process!) this might bring more encouragement because it helps me remember that no matter how bad I feel today tomorrow could be better.
Regardless, here I sit. Sitting in that tension. Luckily I sit with an amazing supporting cast of my wife and kids. Jess has never left my side in all of this and continues to be an overwhelmingly beautiful support in all of this. If it weren’t for her do you realize how confused I’d be? I’d be like Inspector Gadget without the cool gadgets. I’d just be a bad inspector.
* I’m using the phrase “literally an instant” more metaphorically for “really quick”
I saw your post earlier today on FB, Ryan, but didn't get the chance to read it until now. It's late & I'm off to bed, but didn't want to go until I checked in here with you to see what's going on and how you're doing.
Looks like that's an ever-changing value in your life right now. So sorry for that, but wanted you to know that I'm continuing to pray for you, sometimes even late into the night after I've gone to bed and/or wake up a couple of hours later from (what they call) restless leg syndrome. It's infuriating because my legs start moving constantly back and forth, start hurting, wake me up and then, despite taking often hydrocodone for the pain, etc, and I cannot go back to sleep no matter what.
That was the case this morning about 3 a.m. I never really went back to sleep – just dozed some. When those times come (like nightly, nearly? – duh) I pray. Talk with God about why my life has to be this way, but then praying for so many around me who are so much worse off than I am (even after being diabetic 42 1/2 years with all the complications). For instance – our town is in the midst of trying to recover from historic flooding of all the rivers around here, and running through town, in the aftermath of Hurricane Isaac. Tom & I are okay, but my son & family have taken in another 5 member family who has lost just about everything they own.
I pray for you in these times, as well, Ryan. Nightly and daily. Although, I have to say after seeing the photograph you included in your post here, if I had to go to the ER where George Clooney and Dr. Carter were residents in attendance, I would be quite HAPPY!! Just kiddin'!
As I told you before, my little brother – Mark – had brain cancer when he was seven, so I know about the horrendous headaches and nausea. I SO wish and pray I could be closer to y'all to offer more comfort than "merely" saying I've been reading all of your posts, following you closely on FB and praying for your welfare and that of your entire family.
I hope today was a "good" day for you. As I read about your morning "routine" a couple of days ago, I thought . . . I KNOW! Mine is not QUITE as complicated as yours, but it still takes me a good while to DO everything I have to do every morning to get going properly. It's like an internal check list that HAS to be followed and sometimes I forget something, which I end up paying for later. Some days it really gets to me to have to think about so many things I must do to get going and stay "healthy." It really IS just one day at a time. More would be too much to bear and endure.
Hope you have a good night's sleep and rest, and that I do, too. I have to get up in the morning first thing and drive 20 miles to my doctor's office to do some three month fasting blood tests, which I hate. It won't be until after that I can even have a Diet Coke, much less take all of my morning pills and have a needed mug of coffee when I get back home. Sigh.
I was supposed to go do them last week, but a hurricane interfered. I saw my doctor next Monday, so hope the tests will all be back by then.
God Bless! Good night!
Dee
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