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About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

Grassroots Conspiracy

I haven’t blogged much about the Grassroots Conspiracy much. Partially I think it’s because I write about it in my Downtown Dispatches and don’t want to be redundant. Partially I think it’s because it’s been a constant work in progress, something that at times has felt so fragile in its inception that to speak too much of it would actually cause damage. Partially I think it’s because I want it to be a movement that is defined not by what I say about it but by how its practiced amongst people within a neighborhood.

Regardless it’s time we start telling the story. Over. And over. And over again. In different ways, from different angles, starting from different moments in time what we’ve decided to call Grassroots Conspiracy is synthesis of the story God has been telling through Jessica and I, the story God is developing amongst the people of the downtown Vancouver neighborhoods (as best we can discern), and the story that God is telling in Scripture (as best we’ve been able to discern). GC is a developing collection of people who are choosing to do a way of life together that is marked by a gathered and scattered set of rhythms. Traditionally the church has done the gathered part well. We’ve inundated ourselves with gatherings. Hmm…pie socials, worship services, potlucks, Sunday school, youth group, retreats, all nighters, prayer nights, committee meetings, elders meetings, budget meetings, meetings, etc. I’m not saying these are good or valuable things (who doesn’t like a pie social?) but we’ve lost the balance between the gathered church (1 Corinthians 14:26) and the scattered church (Matthew 26:16-20).

And so.

We gather once a month as co-conspirators, as people on mission together, as partners in this messy journey. The purpose of this gathering isn’t to worship (per se), it’s not to replicate the traditional Sunday gathering, its purpose is to encourage, tell stories, pray, challenge, and equip (I don’t like using that word) each other to lean more heavily into the Jesus invitation to a holistic gospel life. The hope and belief is that if a community of people band together and commit to a radically gospel centered life it will make a difference in a neighborhood. We don’t see ourselves as people who have to proselytize or  convince neighbors of the truth of Jesus’ claims  (because, lets be honest, they’re pretty audacious claims) rather we are attempting to be a community of people who are inviting people onto ‘blind dates’ with this man Jesus. It’s up to him to woo them, it’s up to them to choose to love, and it’s up to us to represent him well.

“Oh Jesus? Yeah you’d probably really like him. He’s really nice, he’d do anything for you, and he makes great wine. Why don’t the four of us double date sometime and you can get to know him?”

There are other rhythms that shape the Grassroots movement–but this first one, the once a month gathering of co-conspirators is where we start. Because to follow Jesus is to choose to live differently. It is to choose to forgo the values that this world has to offer: wealth, illusions of security, power through control, popularity…and instead pursue a way of life marked by the kingdom of God: simplicity, power through poverty, death to self, security in identity…To choose to live differently demands a cohort of people to invite you into deeper oddities–deeper ways of living differently–because being weird is only fun when your with other weirdos right? (at least that’s what my mom kept telling me all through Jr. High)

Polishing up the Tarnish

I’m convinced that there’s no right way to deal with crisis, pain, and stress.

I’m convinced that all the right ways of dealing with crisis carry with them shadowed areas.

I’m convinced that my way of grieving and dealing with this stuff elusively captures much of my own dysfunction.

I’m convinced it’s just all one big mess…and that’s ok.

My dysfunction is to have no feeling or opinion, to keep myself buys with things that don’t really matter (our books need to be categorized by color don’t they?), to genuinely be fine…even when I shouldn’t be. For example, I ran into a number of different people yesterday who innocently asked how I was doing–and my rote response was “I’m doing really good!” …but then I had to pause most of those times to say “well, I mean, I’m doing ok. It’s been kind of a rough day…” It was the best I could do. Saying I was good was actually a lie, but a lie that I believed until I cognitively compared it with reality. My friend Steve kind of can’t stand me because he’s one of the most genuine guys I know and so when he asks me how I’m doing and I respond with “great” or “fine” he believes me (shoot, even I believe me) only to find out that there were great things in my life that I shouldn’t be fine about. It drives him nuts and he’s a good enough friend to call me out on it. And I love him for it.

Anyway, I’m getting in too deep in the wrong direction. What I want to talk about is you. Some of you deal with the brokenness of life in a similar way as me. Others of you deal with brokenness in other ways–good ways, healthy ways, ways that you’re created to respond in. Each way has its baggage for sure but that’s just part of the whole.

Some of us get angry when things break. Some of us have major fears triggered by brokenness. Some of us get busy with menial things (me!). Some of us put our heads in the sand. Some of us go into depression. Some of us resort to indulgence. Some of us cry a lot. Some of us talk it through while others clam up. Some of us are compelled to fix it. We’ve all got our ways.

I firmly believe that not a single thing listed above is inherently worse than another (and please don’t think I’m trying to create any sort of exhaustive list. Essentially I’m pulling a Brick Tambland looking around the room to see what comes to mind. I’m surprised I didn’t include something about some of us loving lamps) They’re each different and they’re each valid and they each carry their dangers. I probably SHOULD be more angry than I am. Anger is justified right now though to live in anger and allow it to control me would lead to unhealth.  I should have a genuine measure of fear regarding my situation. Fear is justified, but it shouldn’t control me. Sometimes keeping my mind busy with goofy tasks like organizing my paperwork is helpful but if it keeps me from ever engaging with reality then it becomes a toxic pleasure. The list could go on and on.

We each deal with shit in our own way–and we’re each invited to not be controlled by it but to be freed to be who we are, to be freed to live into the identity that God gave us and is shaping within us. As humans we were created perfectly beautiful but we’ve grown a layer of tarnish. Anger isn’t the tarnish and neither is being a fixer and neither is being a busybody and neither is a season of depression. Part of how God created me allows me to write freely and give you a window into my journey of learning to grieve…but if you were around me…if you saw me day in and day out you (and Steve) know that my baggage makes it hard to be honest with myself about what’s going on. I’m fine. I’m always fine. Being always fine is my ‘tarnish’ coming out. At times it makes me look good… awkwardly even heroic sometimes…but it’s just another picture of how we’ve all got our ways of dealing with grief…tarnish and all.

Crisis invites us to have our tarnish polished up a bit in hopes that we might better reflect the beauty of the one who created us in their image. Kind of a crappy ride if you ask me…but what do I know I’m too busy reorganizing my library by color, shape, and title to notice.

Hope in the Face of New Tumors

I’ve been toeing the line lately between hope and reality. There may be a better way to say that or capture what I mean by it because I realize that the truth is that in many ways what we put our hope in IS the reality. But in my context the reality is that I’m dying of cancer. We found out yesterday that there are two new tumors in my spine. They’re small but they’re there (that’s a lot of there’s in one sentence!). One is in my neck and the other is in my lower thoracic spine. Bad news. I also found out that my lungs have not yet fully recovered from the pulmonary embolism back in July, there’s still some residual clotting which means that I must continue on my blood thinners for another three months when we’ll check again. Bad news.

The reality is that this tumor seems to be an active little guy. The reality is not very hopeful. AND YET there is reason to hope. I’ve become convinced lately that hope (for me) can’t come through an ignorance of things as they are. Pretending that this isn’t bad news or watering down the news to something that feels easier doesn’t allow me to hold onto hope in a way that feels authentic. We each find our own ways of dealing with reality in its brokenness (because life is broken isn’t it!) and for me it’s beginning to come through a recognition of the ‘badness’ and a choice to hope despite it.

Ultimately my hope is not in healing. My hope is in resurrection, in a body that won’t decay, in a world that will be restored as God intended, a life lived in communion with others and the Communal God–in the restoration of all things. But I am also choosing to hope for healing, to hope that God chooses to let me experience a glimpse of that future reality today: a whole, healthy body allowing me to live a whole and healthy life.

The more I recognize the brokenness of my reality the more beautiful God’s redemption can and will be. Two new tumors? Ok. So if God chooses to bring healing it’ll be an even greater story. I don’t like it but I think I’m OK with it. If God can bring healing from one tumor…what’s a couple more? And regardless, like I’ve said from the very beginning–God desires to tell a story through each and every one of us regardless of whether we’re aware of our bodies decay or not–the question is what kind of story will we let him tell?

Lastly, and with great joy, I can also say that while there are two new tumors in my spinal cord I have absolutely no new symptoms to validate any new growth. Physically I have been healthier the last month than ever (this is all relative to how poorly I’ve felt over the last nine months of course)! It’s been a great season of health for me and it’s worth celebrating! And because I’ve got no new symptoms to validate the MRI results we are not going to change my current treatment. We will reevaluate in two months and we will continue to monitor my body, looking for any new symptoms. Until then we’ll continue on with my chemo treatment for five days on and 28 days off. Thank you for your prayers and support.

peace.

January's Downtown Dispatch

I look forward to publishing these every month…though, if we were honest we’d know that they don’t come out monthly (shhhh, don’t tell anyone). If you don’t receive the email version you can sign up for it on the side bar on your right. Also you can always click the menu that says “Downtown Dispatches” at my blogs home page in order to read the Dispatches as far back January of 2009 (oh, how so much has changed!).

Without further adieu here is January’s Dispatch from Downtown. Read it, print it, highlight it, study it, put it on your fridge, pass it around to your coworkers (I’m sure that wouldn’t be weird right?), send it to your grandma, and forward an email on to seventeen friends (it’s not spam if its good right?).

You can read it here

 

The "Can't Miss List"

As a followup to my previous post, this is my local restaurant “can’t miss list” from number 23. I received lots of Facebook feedback that was incredibly useful in creating this list and I’m always up for more. Some of the places that didn’t make the cut were because I was disinterested or (more likely) I’ve already been there. Some of the places on this list aren’t there because they have particularly good food but because for varying reasons it’s a place that I’d be remis to miss.

The list is a work in progress, but here she is in all her glory (bold means that it’s been accomplished):

“Cant Miss Restaurants”

  1. Muddy’s Coffee House
  2. Extracto Coffee House
  3. Coffee house Five
  4. Food carts in general (specifically: Grilled Cheese Grill)
  5. Salt and Straw
  6. Ruby Jewel ice cream
  7. Pine state biscuits
  8. Roots
  9. Screen door—get the praline bacon!
  10. Jakes Crawfish—
  11. Hubers
  12. Oba—order ceviche and prime rib
  13. Clark Lewis
  14. Delta Café Bar
  15. Pho Van (is there a better Pho?)
  16. Fire on the Mountain
  17. Vita Café
  18. Farrars Bistro
  19. EaT an oyster bar
  20. The Observatory
  21. Dicks kitchen
  22. The Berlin Inn
  23. Salty’s
  24. Beaker and Flask
  25. Tad’s Chicken n Dumplins
  26. Apizza scholls
  27. Beast
  28. Tan Tan
  29. Mi Mero Mole Tacos
  30. Tasty n sons
  31. Park Kitchen
  32. Le Pidgeon
  33. Podnah’s BBQ Pit
  34. Paley’s Place Bistro and Bar
  35. Nud Ludd
  36. Brazil Grill Restaurant
  37. Mothers
  38. Helsers
  39. Veritible quandary
  40. Beatervill café and bar
  41. Jam on Hawthorne
  42. Besaws
  43. Zells
  44. Lompac
  45. Yoko’s–poke roll
  46. Saburo–sushi
  47. Hunans Chinese food
  48. Lemon Grass thai– get salad rolls
  49. Tanuki– Go on “noodle night”
  50. Brakeside
  51. Grant House
  52. Pambiche
  53. Por Que No

I’m hungry.