Author Archives: admin

admin

About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

The Risk of Being Fully Alive

Posted on by
1

Love this quote from Mark Scandrette in his book Practicing the Way of Jesus

So much of our lives is designed around minimizing risks, avoiding pain and managing the chaos and uncertainties that are inherent to the human condition. We are tempted to look to governments, corporations or social structures (including religion) to give us the certainty and security we crave. Yet the One in whom we live warns us that it is foolish to live cautiously and calls us away from the safety and conventions of our kingdoms into the mystery and adventure of the kingdom of love. Those who inherit this kingdom do so with reckless abandon, not looking back, and betting it all on the pearl of greater price, to risk being fully alive.

Where will practicing the way of Jesus take us? To the place where it has always taken disciples since the beginning, toward the fault line of love in our time: to suffering, persecution, misunderstanding, and death, this is where his footsteps lead, and to peace and hope beyond the struggles of this age. The greater question is not whether we are willing to suffer but will we risk being fully alive?

Had a great conversation with a few guys last night where we lamented the fact that if the church would just be the church–if Christians would just act like Christ, then things in our world (we were specifically talking about the foster system, healthcare, and the welfare system) would be incredibly different. But it truly does all start with me. Am I willing to risk being fully alive? Am I willing to take those steps beyond protecting myself, living in safety, and avoiding pain into a new way of living that is risky, vulnerable, and full of love?

Stop Being Spineless and Get Organized

Posted on by
1

I’d like to say that I can’t believe that I never realized this before but that would be disingenuous because it’s fairly common for me to not realize things about myself. I shouldn’t really be surprised by this fact anymore.

Jessica and I often lament the fact that we don’t do routine well. All we’ve ever wanted for our family and for ourselves is to be people that are consistent, that live by a healthy set of rhythms, and that have a handful of specific (fun) patterns that shape our lives. Instead we often find ourselves scattered and on the go, random, and a bit all over the place.

Often when we get rid of the kids for a day or two our ideal time together is to go to Storables and figure out what we could buy that would better organize our lives. Maybe its just a matter of having a better calendar, a better app on our phones, or better shelving in our closet…or maybe the problem is just us.

It’s not all bad though. The thing is is that some of our best qualities as a family and as individuals exist in juxtaposition to a routine and organized life. We’re spontaneous, we’re relaxed and easy going, and we’ll generally scrap any plans if it allows us to spend time with people.

Here’s the awkward realization though…I am a fairly organized person and I am a very routine driven person. I shower the EXACT same way every morning, I put on my deodorant, brush my teeth, take my medicines, put on my clothes, etc. in virtually the exact same way every single day. I keep my backpack in a specific way, keep my computer files organized in a specific way, put my keys in the same spot every day, put the same three things in my pockets every day, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. Routine is actually quite important to how I function as a person.

Jessica is driven by anticipation, by the next fun event. She moves through life looking for the next party or defining experience. She’s an incredible visionary because she has a knack for seeing what does not yet exist, she’s incredibly fun to be around because she’s excitable and entertaining, she’s passionate about moving forward and about growth. But her challenge is valuing the moment enough to live in it (rather than in anticipation of the next moment). So organization and routine do not fit who she is very well, it’s taxing and a great challenge to who she is. I, on the other hand, am driven by creating peace and stability in my environment. I want/need things to be chill, to have few extremes, and to be balanced. My tendency is to change my opinion solely based on whether or not I think it will create a more peaceful environment around me. So I’m easy to be around but I can be potentially spineless and can painfully undermine people’s feelings (if you’ve got an extreme feeling, valid or not, I’ll want to neutralize it in order to make things safer for myself).

The reason WE have a hard time being organized or living by a certain set of rhythms is that I choose not to bring who I am to the table all the time. I mean, I wouldn’t want to impose, I wouldn’t want to unsettle anything in a person or system around me by trying to make changes or hold others to something that I think would be valuable would I? That might shake up the peace…the peace that I crave so desperately.

So, yeah, I’m the problem. In life in general I’m learning to grow a pair, I’m learning to step out and own my own opinions, I’m learning to value others’ seemingly extreme emotions (and to even value my own), I’m learning that peace is valuable but not at all costs, I’m learning that to shut myself down is to be dishonest. I’m learning…at least I hope I am.

Lego Clubs and Makin' Some Dough

Posted on by
1

Jones and his friend have created a Lego club which includes a plan to raise money to buy more Legos by selling the Legos they already have. If you’re interested in purchasing some Legos you may want to visit their website here: http://legokids.weebly.com/

As a word of caution, Jones may have decided to sell some of his Lego sets for upwards of six cents…and ninety-nine dollars. As another word of caution, Jones’ parents do not intend to let him actually sell the Legos that we’ve taken out second mortgage for in order to afford (seriously have you priced Legos?! Jeepers!) I also have observed a potential flaw in his business model which is that he’s willing to give you the money you need to buy his Legos (its not a loan, its a freewill offering).

I remember being in clubs as a kid. My sister Tara and I had a sword fighting club once. My sister Jen and I had a club called the Doggie Dudes and Dudettes once too. Jessica and I form clubs all the time…as a matter of fact last week we formed a playdough club. It was pretty awesome.*

Clubs are pretty awesome…but selling the Legos your parents bought you for Christmas…priceless…well…unless you put a price of six cents on it like my son did. Ouch.

 

* This may or may not be based in reality…it could be a lie, but I’m not quite sure at this moment in time. I’ll let you know once I talk with my wife.

Two Faced–Who Am I?

Posted on by
2

I feel like I’m lying sometimes. I feel somewhat two-faced. Or maybe a more appropriate way to capture it is that I feel like I’m living a double life. I’m living two different lives and I’m not sure which one is the real one, which one is the real Ryan. Who am I?

Healthy Ryan

Healthy Ryan does the dishes first thing in the morning while he’s making his family breakfast. Healthy Ryan goes on dates with his wife (ok, not as often as he should or would like to). Healthy Ryan goes to the neighborhood coffee shop and talks to people. Healthy Ryan is initiating a new movement in downtown Vancouver called the Grassroots Conspiracy. Healthy Ryan likes to read and learn. Healthy Ryan likes to hang out with people, have people over in the evening, and play legos with his son. Healthy Ryan reads books to his kids before bedtime. Healthy Ryan laughs at his wife’s jokes a lot (’cause she’s pretty funny). Healthy Ryan likes to laugh. Healthy Ryan is involved in his neighborhood, he’s an active participant in the life of the neighborhood. Healthy Ryan has negative atributes too (some pretty bad ones too) but if you compare him to sick Ryan he looks real good.

Sick Ryan

Sick Ryan is pretty boring. Sick Ryan just lays around doing nothing. He may watch movies, a few episodes of Law and Order, but sick Ryan doesn’t really read or learn anything. Sick Ryan sleeps a lot. He goes to bed early and takes naps throughout the day. Sick Ryan doesn’t really leave the house nor does he have people over. He’s kind of antisocial and reclusive. Sick Ryan isn’t involved in much ’cause he’s usually too sick to do anything. Sick Ryan doesn’t help much with parenting nor does he do much to care for his wife. Sick Ryan just sucks energy from those around him.

Which Am I?

Am I sick Ryan or am I healthy Ryan? I know (duh) that I’m both. I know that. I realize that. Clearly. BUT there is such an strong dichotomy between the two Ryan’s that at times it becomes hard to reconcile. They are absolute oposites and they can swing from one to the other in a moments notice. I never know who I will be from day to day, I can never plan a week ahead, I can never count on which Ryan will apear. My kids don’t know if they’re getting sick daddy or healthy daddy, my wife doesn’t know if she’s getting the present or the absent husband, I don’t know if I can spend time with people or must hide out. I’m dying to know which more defines me! I’m dying to know which one I am more of, which one will dominate my existence! Who am I?

Who Are You?

I can only write from my own experience, but I know that this is true of you too. It may not always be as clear and obvious as it is in my life but you know that at times most of us struggle with deciding which person we are. Are you the dude that’s the life of the party or the guy that secretly questions whether he belongs? Are you the lady who everyone things is gorgeous or the one who questions whether she stacks up to others? Are you the guy who passionately loves his wife or the guy who secretly finds his passions fulfilled in pornography? Are you the spiritual contemplative person or the person that can’t exist without the noise of a radio or tv? We’ve got our varied identities that create two us’s–two people that shouldn’t exist in unity…and yet here we find ourselves. We exist and we drive me crazy.

The Best Option…

Maybe our best option is to give up. Maybe our best option is to throw our hands up in the air and resolutely declare: This is me, I am us, I might make no sense to myself but I am me. Sick Ryan and Healthy Ryan don’t mesh very well but they’re both Ryan. Sick Ryan kind of sucks…but he is a part of me. As I seek to understand what integration of my multiple selves looks like my life moving forward my hope is not just for Sick Ryan to go away (while I do hope for this my hope cannot be solely in it) but for Healthy Ryan and Sick Ryan to learn from each other and believe that both are of value. The problem is that I get caught up in the economy of it all: Sick Ryan doesn’t seem to have anything to offer while Healthy Ryan has much to give. Worth, therefore, is found not in identity but in commerce (what a crock!). Worth (I want to believe) is found in who I am (healthy or sick) and in who I am loved by (by God for certain by humanity I hope). As I learn to live into this reality (that my identity is found not in what I offer the world but in who I am created to be) I believe that the integration of my two worlds will become a more safe venture. How ’bout you?

Amulets and Charms

Posted on by
2

I’m not a superstitious guy whatsoever. I’ve never had a lucky pair of socks, I’ve never had  a lucky number, I’ve never avoided a black cat. I see the world to practically to be much in to superstitions and I’m probably too laid back to spend much time thinking about them anyway!

But if you looked in my pocket these days, if you glanced around my bedroom, or rifled through my closet you might think otherwise…and maybe for good reason.

Every day I put two things in my pocket:

  • A coin that my sister-in-law purchased for me at the Grotto from the patron saint of cancer patients, Saint Perigrine. The coin says that cancer “Cannot defeat the soul, cannot shatter hope, cannot depress faith, cannot destroy homes, cannot limit humanity, cannot kill friendships, cannot silence courage, cannot ruin the soul, cannot reduce the spirit, CAN be overcome…” I’m not Catholic nor do I pray to saints but I do value what it represents. It represents hope, it represents God’s power to heal, and it was a gift from someone I love. As I walk around with my hand in my pocket I usually flip that coin round and round between my fingers and am reminded that cancer CAN be overcome. I love what that coin represents. I need to be reminded of that.
  • A shard of kyanite stone. To be perfectly honest I grew up believing that crystals were evil, that they somehow represented a satanic power or something. A word like “energy” would have never been used with regard to healing (nor did we speak of ‘holistic healing’ of any kind). Today I find myself fascinated by the mystery of how God has fashioned our bodies into being, how much depth there is beyond the tangibly physical and how much reality there is to our ‘energy’ as individuals and as a community. Anyway, a friend suggested that I carry around this stone, that it aids in bringing energy balance and healing. Honestly I don’t know if that’s true or not. It would make sense to me that like food provides healing for the body, or like how animals often provide comfort for the emotions, other parts of God’s creation would also bring with them additional properties of value. Regardless I carry around this stone in my pocket not because I think it’ll do a magic trick in my pocket but because it reminds me that God CAN bring about healing and he HAS created a world that was intended to function a certain way that nurtures health and vitality. Granted I am a constant reminder of how broken God’s intended reality has become…but as I rub that stone in my pocket I am reminded not of my brokenness but of God’s ability to bring about healing. I like that. I need that. I want that.

If you looked around my room or closet you’d stumble across a few things too:

  • Draped across the chair in our room is a prayer shawl made for my wife by my aunts and my grandma. Hand knit by a group of loving women, anointed with symbolic frankincense oil, and given to us with a special prayer it represents not only the love of my family but the hope found in prayer.
  • On Jess’ side of the bed lays an extra blanket (I get too hot for it to be on my side!) that was quilted by dozens of hands from my sister’s church up in Federal Way, Washington. Hand stitched and prayed over by that community, the quilt was finished only once they added dozens of cream colored loops which represents all those fighting central nervous system cancer along with me. This blanket reminds me of those who are praying with and for me from both far and near–strangers and loved ones.
  • A box sits in the top of my closet and is filled cards, notes, drawings, and gifts from all of you. Most of them are from when I was in the hospital, though not all. I’ve kept virtually every note sent to me during the last eight months and I hold onto them as precious commodities. It’s clear what that box represents–you. Your love, your care, your concern.
  • (I forgot this all-too-important bullet point in my first draft!) An old case for glasses sits next to my bed stuffed full of origami cranes. One night when my children were being babysat they worked with their babysitter in an effort to fold 1000 cranes for me. I think they maxed out a little closer to ten. But after making the cranes both India and Jones quietly whispered a prayer onto each crane before putting it in the case. During my radiation treatments I always carried a different colored crane with me to the clinic. I love those little cranes, I love what they represent, I love that my children covered them in prayer, I love that my children never told me what their prayers were, I love that my children are praying for me.

This week I’m going to get my ears pierced and start slowly gauging them. I don’t know if I’ll look particularly well with my ears done and I’ve always thought it might come off a little goofy on me. But I feel like it’s something I need to do. It’s symbolic. Like everything else above it represents something beyond its tangible reality. Everything in my life is about fighting cancer, about maintaining energy, about restoring normalcy (or something that we dare to consider normal) and everything in my life is temporary. We can’t plan far out ahead, we can’t commit to much in life because we don’t know what the next day, week, or month will bring. So by gauging my ears I am telling myself that I can do something that has no other purpose that to be fun in and of itself. I am telling myself that I can do something that requires longevity (gauging your ears is a long process). I am telling myself that my life is more than just fighting cancer. It’s symbolic.

Coins, stones, cards, blankets, jewelry…they’re all inherently worthless…but they represent a reality. A reality that I want to more fully live into. A reality that I want to continuously be aware of. A reality that doesn’t often seem very…well…real. That I can get better. That I will get better. That people do care. That prayer does make a difference. That there is more than the last eight months.