Author Archives: admin

admin

About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

Musings on being a bad inspector…and a quick update

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This is the third time it’s happened in a little over a month. Every two weeks seems to be the rate. In literally an instant* I can go from feeling great to being admitted to the ER. Each time I’ve ended up in the ER it’s happened because my body has turned on me in about one to two hours. I’ll go from having lots of energy (please don’t forget it’s all relative!) and feeling really well to having an unmanageable debilitating headache, vomiting, and all those fun aches that go along with feeling sick. And strangely enough it only happens on the weekend where our only recourse is the dreaded hospital! Fun times. (fun times especially when a weekend ER visit usually necessitates canceling our Sunday community meal. Boo)

It’s the same routine every time we go there too. They very quickly get me my own room in the back so as to protect me and my low immune system from all the germs/bacteria/etc. Then we wait and wait for the specialized people to come and “access my port” or in other words to get my IV hooked up to my chest. This usually takes longer than it should, upwards of an hour most nights. Once the port is accessed they get me lots of fluids, anti-nausea meds, and begin the pain killer dance. Eventually they get me a CT scan, have me cath so they can test for a UTI, and then try to kick me out before my headache is gone.

In the end there’s never a legit reason as to why I get so sick so quickly. Is it from all the different meds I’m on? Maybe. Dehydration? Probably. Jacked up nerves? Always. Tense muscles? Most likely. UTI? At times. Flu? Maybe. In the end I go home and at times feel completely better by the very next day. Other times it takes days to recover.

Jesus once cautioned us to “[not] worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” I like and hate that. It’s a statement that’s more true than I’d ever want to believe; it’s a statement that used to sound comforting but today feels more dangerous than anything else. It feels dangerous because I’m seeing how true it really is, no matter what happens today I have absolutely no idea what tomorrow may bring. The fact that it worries me more than brings me comfort shows the reality of where I’m at right now emotionally and physically–because those words warn me that no matter how good I feel today tomorrow may bring incredible sickness! In my more optimistic moments (not to invalidate either side-the optimistic one and the pessimistic both have a place in the grief process!) this might bring more encouragement because it helps me remember that no matter how bad I feel today tomorrow could be better.

Regardless, here I sit. Sitting in that tension. Luckily I sit with an amazing supporting cast of my wife and kids. Jess has never left my side in all of this and continues to be an overwhelmingly beautiful support in all of this. If it weren’t for her do you realize how confused I’d be? I’d be like Inspector Gadget without the cool gadgets. I’d just be a bad inspector.

 

* I’m using the phrase “literally an instant” more metaphorically for “really quick”

Are You Dying?

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Back a few months ago, on the day of our Roast and Toast we spent the entire day with some new friends. They flew up here from sunny Los Angeles with their cameras, lights, microphones, and the whole setup required for filming (ok, much of the equipment and some of the crew were brought in from Portland) and their purpose was to capture my story.

You might be familiar with the website Soul Pancake. It is a very popular site dedicated to creating valuable dialog. They artfully walk the line between the serious and comical (something I find greatly valuable!) and they do it well. One of the projects that they’re working on is something called “My Last Days“. The purpose is to both inspire and to create honest dialog about what it means to die. Their method is to do mini 7-10 minute documentaries following different individuals who are potentially living out their last days. While my hope and desire is to live out my last days in about forty to fifty years, my health has sadly invited me to live the last year as if it is my last. And although I am not completely certain how Soul Pancake came across my story, I am grateful that they did.

In about three weeks they will be rolling out their first installment of My Last Days and it will be featuring me, my family, and some of you who attended the Roast and Toast. I’ve seen the rough draft and I can tell you that it is high quality work, it’s powerful stuff, and they make a very strong effort to create a documentary that is not manipulative but is honest about the story being told. In other words, I am proud to have my name and my story associated with this project and I think that you will be blessed by what they’re attempting to create.

So What?

Here’s where I’m going with all this…do you or someone you know need to have your story told? Would you mind nominating someone whose story needs to be shared, whose life is one that needs to be remembered, whose way of dying is inspiring–inspiring not in a fantastic way but in a willingness to engage in the reality of death simply and honestly? It doesn’t require a polished and pretty view of death (preferably not!), it doesn’t require that you’re ok with dying, it doesn’t demand that you’re in a happy place, it doesn’t necessitate that you’re in a good or bad place physically right now. All it requires is a willingness to open yourself up, to share your story (whatever story that may be), and to let your story then be shared with the greater world.

This is an amazing opportunity and its one that I believe can have a major impact in our world. If you’re willing to be interviewed or nominate someone else please contact Justin, the producer of the project, here: mylastdays(at)soulpancake.com or message me at ryan@gr-c.org

I really think it’ll be worth your while*

 

*  As a side note, that’s a really strange expression. Worth your while? Huh.

Dating my Children

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Included on my list of “in case of death get these things done” was to take each of my children on a special date. I wish I were that dad that did this often, that had a practice of taking my kids on dates all the time. But I’m not. My dad and mom would occasionally take me and my sisters out on dates and they are very special memories for me.

The goal was to create a moment, a moment that would last a bit longer than the date itself. So I made sure that each of them took a camera with them and promised that if they capture the date on ‘film’ I would make them each a special video.

Each of them started off their morning with flowers, Tictacs (why? I don’t know), and a special card from me.

For my date with Jones we started off with a few games of bowling, followed up by all you can eat crab at Salty’s, and ending with ceramic painting. For my date with India we began with do-it-yourself pancakes at Slappy Cakes, followed up by pedicures together, and finishing (like Jones) with painting beautiful ceramics on main street.

As far as the kids were concerned the days were wonderful and each were left wishing that we could do more. It left me wondering why I didn’t do this kind of stuff more often and it left my wife wondering when she gets her turn (a valid question!).

Below are my feeble attempts at creating videos. You’ll notice my video editing skills are not that great…but hey, neither are my kids’ photography skills! So take that!

The Challenge of Self-Care

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I hate disruption. Or, I should clarify that I hate being the cause of disruption. As a person my goal is to generally fly under the radar and only be noticed or cause issues when I’m intentionally choosing to do so. Otherwise I want things to be smooth, easy, and chill. Peace. I want things to be peaceful. And to be perfectly honest, most of what triggers that feeling of unrest is more within myself and has to do with small menial things than anything else. Its the little stuff. I don’t want to be that guy who has an opinion about dinner that causes everyone else to have to change their opinions. I go with the flow. Even when I’m all alone I still function in this way. I don’t even want to put myself out! I don’t even want to hassle myself with annoying tasks that cause irritation or extra “pointless” work. And so brushing my teeth is annoying to me. I remember as a child being overwhelmed with the thought of having to brush my teeth multiple times a day…forever. Forever!There’s no end to it! You never finish, you never get to check the ‘toothbrushing box’ and say you’re done! Ugh. I could go on and on about these types of things, but that’s not really the point.

Today I find myself living in an alternative reality where tooth brushing is the absolute last of my worries. My morning routine has grown so huge that I have deemed it worthwhile to share with you. The point here isn’t to complain because it’s very likely that it’s normal for many of you to take this long to get ready–for me, however, it feels like a trap. For me I can feel  my family staring at me and thinking: “oh my goodness, daddy is holding up our entire life with this long morning routine of his. I wish he’d stop doing some of it; I wish he’d hurry up!” For myself, this goes against my naturally identity and is requiring great internal adjustments. As a nine on the enneagram (to learn more about the enneagram this is a good website: http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/) this new morning routine is inviting me into a different reality, one marked by self-care beyond what I normally allow. So this blog, in reality, is not about complaints, it’s not even about the added stress of more work. No, this blog is about me learning self-care.

Let me go ahead and skip what happens in the AM prior to getting ready for the day ’cause I often wake up excessively early and read, post on Facebook, write, or mess around on my phone. That stuff doesn’t really count all that much into what I’m generally commenting on this morning. I also will not include what I do for others (make breakfast, etc.) ’cause what I want to capture is this new challenge of self-care. So here’s my new morning routine…

  1. Take my large pile of pills with food (implication: eat my own breakfast before everyone else eats theirs)
  2. Pick out my clothes and grab all necessary items for the day (toiletries, backpack, books, etc.) to bring downstairs where I’ll shower and attempt to stay for the entire day. The goal is to not have to return to the third-story until bedtime due to the dangerous stairs and my inability to traverse them effectively anymore
  3. Invite someone to watch or spot me going down the stairs (it’s fun being a constant trip hazard!) for safety sake
  4. Go to the bathroom (yes, this is more of a task than it used to be) and if/when it doesn’t work…catheterize
  5. Prior to showering make sure everything is within proper reach (towels, clothes, etc.) because once I sit down on my old man showering seat getting very far can be a dangerous exercise for a wet and slippery trip hazard like myself
  6. Without going into detail (you’re welcome) showering while sitting takes quite a bit longer than a normal showering process–as does toweling off. There is a necessary order to how things must happen so that I end up clean and all that jazz. (enough said? I thought so)
  7. Now clean, dry, and still seated I have to apply some more medicines on my feet and other places (enough said? I thought so)
  8. Also, due to those glorious and always present prescription-caused side affects it’s now time to lotion up. For a few minutes I cover elbows, legs, etc. in a layer of lotion. Virtually my entire body needs a little sumthin’ sumthin’.  I used to avoid this step until my elbows and knees started to fall off (that’s not a joke. I’m pretty sure they almost did). I literally turn into a crispy cracker if I don’t lotion up (literally.)
  9. Still seated it’s time to get on socks (especially important in order to protect the medicine on my feet) and shorts. The shirt will wait as long as humanly possible because otherwise I’ll have to change it before heading out in the morning. The morning routine of what I’m describing, making and eating breakfast with the fam, and getting the kids ready to go (Jess does the bulk of everything in/for this family, but I give what I can and it varies depending on the day) will leave me literally dripping and pouring sweat.
  10. After getting half dressed (I should mention that even getting on socks, underwear, and anything involving my legs has become quite the challenge as my leg has stopped working) I finally stand up so that I can look in the mirror and tell myself that I’m worth it
  11. Now comes the regular stuff: deodorant, brushing of teeth, doing hair, etc. Nothing new here.

There are those other routine things like the morning cup o’ coffee, checking the weather, letting the dog out–but those are all optional or chore-ish items. I don’t consider those forced self-care. There is also the matter of what I’ve got to do just to go to bed at night. Oh, and then there’s the implications for my wife, what this requires of her, and how this has changed her routines! Maybe this list feels somewhat normal to you in its length, but for myself it has forced me into some self-work that I’ve spent much of my adult life avoiding. As a person who abhors what feels like meaningless self-care items, this all feels like torture. I don’t want to worry about myself like this. It’s annoying and worthless I tell ya! And yet I am learning how incredibly important it truly is. All of this has been quite a journey for sure because my old morning routine list was probably four bullet points long: urinate (successfully), shower, get dressed, and the (11.) usual items. Oh how things have changed.

For some of you this blog might be annoying because self-care is not only easily accessed, but it’s the actual filter through which you view your world. For some of you self-care is easy, it’s not a challenge. For some of you, you look at the little list I drew up and you’re irritated that I find it something worth commenting on because it describes your daily routine for much of your life. I do, however, think that there is a common ground that we can find together in all of this. All of us are constantly being invited into change. There’s not a single one of us that is not somehow or somewhere in our lives being invited into a transformative journey of change, struggle, and movement. For myself it is coming in the form of seemingly menial tasks such as brushing teeth (among other things right?). For you…well…I guess that’s a question that I’m not going to try to answer! What is it that you’re being invited into right now? What does your self-work look like today, tomorrow, and in your extended future? Unlike me you may not be forced into your work, but instead are being gently invited into it. Are you ready, willing, and open to jumping in? Dipping your toe in the water? Diving head first?

Chalk the Walk: Video Blog 8-22-12

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Sorry for the poor quality of the video, but what’s being captured in it is absolutely beautiful. After a shooting rocked the downtown Vancouver Hough neighborhood a group of people decided to come together and ‘chalk the walk’ with messages of hope, life, and love in order to reclaim those streets. (I wrote about this on an earlier blog post)

It was a lot of fun being there–it just felt…hmm…it just felt right.

Enjoy.