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About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

We're the problem

I’m not one to say that I think the answers are inside–that if we would only look inside ourselves we’d find what we need or are lacking. I think this mentality doesn’t do honor to the value of others and it doesn’t do value to the idea that we’re intended for and should expect more than what we (including our insides) currently own or possess. But I will say that we’re often too quick to point somewhere else before we’ll look inside ourselves.

I support the Occupy movement. I do. Despite all the sarcastic and snarky postings on facebook that trivialize what those people are attempting to do, I at the very least appreciate their willingness to peacefully stand up for what they think is right even despite the seemingly insurmountable odds that we can fix it. The danger, though, of a movement like Occupy Wall Street is that it will cause is to only point fingers instead of look within ourselves. The problem with our government isn’t that they don’t represent the people, but for a long time they have perfectly represented us! The government in most ways directly represents who we are as a people. We’re debt spenders who find value in being bigger and stronger than others. We revel in excess and we honestly think we can get gain and change without loss and sacrifice. We prefer power without accountability while we also despise those in authority simultaneously as we desperately want people in authority to just take care of things for us.

So if I am the government and the government is I (good grammar?) then the question is…Am I living differently? Am I willing to change? Do I recognize my own brokenness? Can I see through my fog of pride, fear, or arrogance enough to admit that I’m part of the problem? The reality is that as long as I can make it clear to all that you’re a bigger problem than I am then I’m free to continue my broken trajectory as is…and that’s a problem…what I mean is that you’re the problem…I mean, I’m the problem…no wait, we’re the problem…AND THAT’S ACTUALLY OK! If we’re all willing to own it in all its messy glory then there’s no shame in proclaiming boldly its truthiness (yes, spell check let me get away with this one).

OWS has a powerful point and has developed a powerful platform. But change must happen in the 1% and the 99%

Cancer Blogs…

Below are a majority of the blogs I have written that capture my journey of fighting cancer. They are listed chronologically and I have highlighted in bold the blog posts that capture the more significant moments.

The Beginning of the Story (May, 2011)

Awkward Emotions Before the Surgery

Last Thoughts Before Surgery

Rehab (June, 2011)

The Role of Community in the Story

Report from the Hospital

Initial Test Results

Looking for a Cause

My Son’s Good News

The Struggle of Waiting

The Pathology Reports

Thoughts on death and healing

Good news: Clean MRI

Goodbye Glioblastoma (July, 2011)

Why Steroids are Bad

Blood Clots!

The Good, the Bad, and What’s Next (August, 2011)

Random Update

Top 15 Things I’ve Learned

99 people I’ve got to say thanks to (September, 2011)

What is Recovery?

Those Wonderful MRIs

Discovering Artifacts in my Brain

Chemo Round Two (October, 2011)

Some Cannot Handle Cancer

Surprising Stories I Never Thought I’d Have

Radiation Explained

The Monotony of Normal (November, 2011)

Cancer is Like Being Pregnant (one of my favorite blog posts!)

Worse than Death (December, 2011)

Wounded Healers

December’s Update

How our Needs are Met (January, 2012)

Amulets and Charms

Healthy Ryan vs. Sick Ryan

My Story in 800 words or less

General Update

Choosing to Hope

Hope in the Face of New Tumors (February, 2012)

How we deal with crisis

You said I’m dying?

What Sick People Don’t Tell You

Caught off Guard

Missing the Hospital (March 2012)

Parenting Through Cancer

Preparing for MRI’s (April, 2012)

“Daddy I don’t want to die”

Remembering reports, results, and everything in-between

New Terrible Test Results

Talking to the kids about death

An update before Disneyland(!)

How to create dying memories

Three months and counting

The Hero’s Journey

Blaming God for Cancer

Exponential Conference Video

It’s Not About the Money

Touched by an Angel (May, 2012)

New Cars and Death

Whose Story is This?

Video: My Story

Finally! Good Test Results (June, 2012)

Affirming the Awkwardness

Do I Want to Die?

Article About What I Wish I Were Told About Cancer

Learning to Receive (July, 2012)

Random Medical Update

The Monotony of Normal

I remember as a kid there was a circuit breaker (ok, I don’t know exactly what it was, but it was a box up on a pole) connected to the power lines behind our house that would catch on fire and blow every couple of years. As a kid it was pretty exciting to have the power go out. We’d rush around and find our candles and flashlights. We’d put my lizard next to the fireplace to keep him warm. And I’d obviously run out and meet my best friend (and neighbor) Brent in the middle of the street to talk about how exciting it was…but it was only exciting for a while. Eventually it got kind of boring. When power outage turned from an exciting moment to a dreaded reality (albeit a short term reality) things got incredibly monotonous.

There’s something about those exciting moments that give us something to hold onto as meaningful.  Granted, a power outage doesn’t create any sort of huge or life changing meaning, but for a time I found great significance in preparing for our new reality: Lighting a fire in the wood stove, figuring out what to eat for dinner without an electric oven or microwave, and figuring out what to do when the candles burnt out. But once the initial phase of excitement is over, once that initial flurry of activity has passed it turns out that electricity is pretty awesome and you kind of miss what it had to offer.

In a lot of ways I miss being in the hospital. I even, dare I say it, miss daily radiation and chemo. In those moments it felt like I was fighting something, like I was in the midst of an epic battle where I was the warrior leading the charge. In many ways it was exciting being able to fight something so sinister as cancer. I found great meaning and significance in doing all those things that just might kick cancer in the ass (vitamins, acupuncture, radiation, chemo, physical therapy, etc.). Essentially it was me gathering candles and flashlights for the power outage. But now the power’s been out for a while and the electric company hasn’t given us a timeframe for when it’ll be turned back on. Now gathering candles and flashlights doesn’t seem so meaningful–now that the epic battles of being in the hospital, of learning to walk again, of daily chemo and radiation, etc. are done the fight just seems so…ordinary. Monotonous. Not exciting. Meaningless.

The epic battle has now become just an monotonous way of life. The battle of Helms Deep is done and now its just a boring scene up on a windy mountain top city (sorry for the awkward lotr reference). It’s not that there’s nothing to fight, because sadly we all know that the cancer’s still there. It’s just that now there’s no end in sight, there’s no urgent or pressing battle to be won, and all my flurry of activity to beat cancer is now being stretched out from months to years with no reprieve. Swinging my battle-axe was cool when it was a few months worth, but now that we’ve been doing this for seven months with a chemo schedule that goes out another eleven, swinging my battle-axe feels less meaningful and is just downright exhausting. How long can a dude, even the most awesomest of warriors, swing his axe?

AND SO…and so I’m left with our new normal (whatever the hell that is). I’m left with the monotony of normal as its coming to be defined. Physical therapy twice a week, blood draws once a week, acupuncture once a week, being sick ten days a month from chemo, doctors appointments one to two days a week, a gimpy leg, numb feet, constipation (did I say too much?), a stiff/numb stomach and back, clothes that don’t fit, pills pills and more pills…with no end in sight. None of the above things have any sort of end. They’re like the Energizer Bunny in that they keep going and going and going.

Having cancer has obviously always sucked, but at least at some point along the way it was exciting to be fighting against it. Now I’m just left with the monotony of normal and it turns out that I don’t really like it.

I see…

I’m sitting here in a cafe and I’m fascinated by the things I see.

I see a beautiful woman with dreadlocks, brown sweater, and a hoop through her nose.

I see a comfy chair made out of burlap sacks.

I see a man with three coffee drinks in front of him.

I see a man wearing a jacket that’s too short.

I see a man wearing socks with sandals.

I see Don Cheadle

I see a window filled with pastries of the most delicious kind.

I see mocha pots suspended from the ceiling.

I see nine iPhones.

I see a booger suspended from a woman’s nose only a few feet away.

I see biscotti.

I see a lambswool vest.

I see a man with feet as big as my chest…no joke.

I see beards.

I see plaid.

I see a blog post that is slightly random, potentially boring, and partially filled with half-truths. (if you also see this please keep it to yourself!)

Creating Meaning from Creation

Many people believe in a literal interpretation of the Bible’s creation story. There are whole conferences and lectures dedicated to defending this point of view. My position right now is that I don’t care.

Regardless of whether you take the Adam and Eve story literally, the point of the narrative is to create meaning. How would Christianity–or better yet, how would our neighborhoods look different if they embraced some of the significant meaning communicated in this story? How would things be different if we understood that…

  • …we were intended to be at peace with the earth, with plants, animals, and each other. The Garden of Eden was a space where all the creatures lived in a mutually beneficial peaceful existence. Adam was even created from the dust of the earth! Essentially the story communicates that if it weren’t for the earth we could not/would not exist! How different would our world be if we tried to lean into this intended reality?
  • …man and woman cannot be separated. I’m not making an “Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” play here. What I am saying is that according to the story woman cannot exist apart from man (it took one of his ribs to make her) and man cannot be complete apart from woman (missing that damn rib). In a world filled with broken relationships would it change anything to know that apart from others we are incomplete? We were not created for isolation or complete individualism! The whole man-woman thing is not at all tied to superiority or control, rather it is about connectedness. We are forever and completely connected to each other.
  • …we are partners with God. God invited the humans to name the animals, he invited them to be a part of the creation process by actually giving the animal kingdom some of its identity. How would things change if we viewed ourselves as partners with God in the continued identity-giving process of life?
  • …not only were we intended to be at peace with the world around us, but originally there was a peace and casual relationship between the creator and his creation. It was normal for Adam and Eve to walk together with God in the dew of the morning! How would life be different if we knew that we were intended to be at peace and in relationship with God?
  • …Adam and Eve were naked…and I’m pretty sure they were dead sexy (though probably a bit freakish looking without a belly button). I don’t think this necessarily invites us all to come to a place where we can all be naked together (though some could argue that). Rather I think this reminds us of our intended innocence. We were intended for purity, innocence, and simplicity (don’t clothes bring heaps of complexity to our lives?!). What would our world look like if we embraced our original calling to simple, pure, and innocent living? Jesus invited his followers to be like children…seems strangely similar.
  • …we are good. God looked at his creation over and over again and mused to himself “wow, this is pretty good!” and regarding you and I he even thought “Wow, this is really ridiculously good!” So often Christians start the story with brokenness and sinfulness but the reality is that the story starts with goodness. How would our world be different if when we looked at people around us we saw (and believed) their inherent goodness. It’s not that we’re all good or that given the opportunity we’ll all make good choices, rather its that our starting place, our origin, or beginning is in perfect goodness…what a better place to find our identity than in our brokenness!
  • …destructive things are only bastardizations of the good stuff. The devil came in the form of a snake and tempted the humans to eat the fruit. What I love is that early on in the story we’re reminded that the best that evil can do is bastardize good things. Snakes aren’t evil, they’re kind of awesome. But the devil used it to bring about broken relationship. If we look at most everything that is destructive in our world it turns out to be a bastardization of something that was originally good. Evil doesn’t create. How would like and Christianity be different if we had the courage to own everything good?
  • …work is a gift from God. Work isn’t something we HAVE to do, it’s something we GET to do. God didn’t place humanity in a box, in an empty field, on a cement pad, or in a spa resort. He placed them in a garden with plants and animals to take care of. Work was part of the beauty of their existence–how would life be different if we understood labor as a beautiful part of being human? How would we choose our jobs differently? Hmm…I wonder.
There are so many other bullet points that could be included here! Again, regardless of whether you take this story literally or not the reality is that it is the the defining start to the Jesus-narrative. And I think we have a great opportunity to be shaped by the meaning that this story seeks to bring into our world. Peace, communion, relationship, enjoyable labor, partnership, goodness…this is who we are and what we were intended for…what if we tried to live THAT out?