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admin

About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

One Year Later

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This is a post from my friend Chris. I love what he says here and I’m going to simply repost it straight up. You can read his ramblings here: http://www.chrismartin.com

One year ago today, weighing in at a whopping 273 pounds, I started the Medifast program and lost a lot of weight and inches.  Here is a look at where I started and where I am today:

  • Weight:  273 lbs. to 147 lbs. (-126 lbs.)
  • Upper Arms:  16? to 10.5? (-5.5?)
  • Chest:  50? to 36.5? (-13.5?)
  • Waist:  54? to 34? (-20?)
  • Hips:  50? to 35? (-15?)
  • Thighs:  25? to 18? (-7?)

I won’t lie, the numbers are staggering and amazing.  I am amazed that I was able to accomplish something that I have always dreamed of.  However, this morning, my friend Scott Carden asked me a series of difficult questions on Twitter:  ”How do you feel about yourself today vs. a year ago?  How much of a different person are you?  Inside and Out?”

These are great questions that have really caused me to reflect upon my internal and external appearances.  I have always been overweight which led me to constantly dream about being thin.  I would often visualize myself residing in a fat suit that at anytime I could unzip, step out of and instantly gain favor, love and acceptance from those around me.

For 20 years I fostered that belief and it created an expectation that if I was skinny, my life would be better.  That I would feel better about myself.  That I would do what I wanted to do with my life, because I wouldn’t have to deal with how I looked anymore.

How do I feel about myself now?  I am now dealing with those false expectations.  My life didn’t change when I weighed in at 147.  My insecurities still exist.  I am still me on the inside.  At times, I look in the mirror and still see the old me.  Sometimes I don’t even recognize myself.

I did notice that how people treated me changed.  When I was heavy, my worth was determined by others based on what I could do for them creatively (website design and development, graphic design, video production and photography).  But as I lost weight, people started to value me because of my physical appearance.  That was really hard for me to accept at first, because I still wanted to be valued based on what I could do.

I can honestly say that I have been successful because in addition to learning how to eat healthy foods, I was also seeing a counselor in order to deal with the emotional issues of why I was eating.  I have always been an emotional eater.  I eat to numb my pain.  I remember as a kid, eating bags of Chips Ahoy cookies in one sitting or downing a whole container of frozen cool whip, just because I was bored and hurting deep inside.  Emotions are a powerful force and food is my addiction.  My drug.  That is the biggest thing I have learned about myself in this whole process and I accept full responsibility for my actions in the past, present and future.

I feel like I am rambling a bit, but the honest truth is that while the exterior has changed tremendously, my interior needs a lot of work.  The exterior was easy compared to the journey that I am now on.

At the end of the day, I am grateful for losing the weight, because it has led me to a place of acceptance and desire to be emotionally healthy, even though the work is a million times harder when dealing with the interior of my life.

Thank you Scott for asking these tough questions.

The Truth About Radiation…I think

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I thought I was alone in my ignorance concerning radiation treatment. Until I actually went through the process of getting radiated myself I was under the assumption that radiation was somehow connected to chemotherapy. I don’t know if I thought it was the application of the chemo drug or what, but the reality is that I had no idea what it meant to have chemotherapy AND radiation treatment. The more conversations I have the more I realize that I’m not the only one.

While I claim no mastery over the radiation process itself and while I am unwilling to do weak wikipedia research to pretend to have a mastery over the subject–I can share with you some of my experience concerning what the heck radiation is all about!

  • Radiation is like an X-Ray (I accidentally just typed “X-Ryan” which is kind of awesome) in that it’s shooting beams into your body. The difference is that the type of beam they use is much stronger and more invasive. Essentially you’refrying parts of your body in hopes of frying the tumor/cancer to the point of extinction.
  • Before you ever start radiation treatment you go into a room and have CaT scan of your body so that a physicist, radiologist, and a dosimetrist can figure out how exactly to shoot the beams into your body to maximize the amount of burnage your tumor gets while minimizing the amount of fryage your other body parts get. After the make a plan using your scans they’ll then bring you in, put you on the table, line you up right, and take some X-Ray’s. They’ll compare your body, with your X-Ray’s, with your CT scan and make sure that everything’s perfect. If that’s the case then you’re now good to go to get fried.
  • You get a few tattoos (I assume this varies depending on what you’re getting radiated) that help the doctors to line your body up the exact same way each time you go in for treatment.
  • So you’ve got your tattoos, you’ve got your plan, now its time to actually get radiated. Generally, if I’m not mistaken (and in my experience) you go in five days a week at the same time every day for your relatively short 15 minute radiation treatment. What you do is you go into the dark room, lay down on the hard table that’s setup in the specs that your docs have already determined, and then the radiation techs begin the awkward process of making sure you’re lined up all perfect. They wiggle you around, slide you back and forth, move the table up and down, and push your fat belly to one side or the other so that in the end your tattoos are all lined up with their lasers that are used for measurements. Once you’re all lined up they leave the room and you get to “assume the position” (for me, it was arms above the head as if I was trying to pose all sexy-like) and a giant arm maneuvers around your body and beeps. Turns out when it beeps it’s actually shooting high level radiation into your body…but the reality is that you don’t feel a thing.
  • Like I just said, during radiation you don’t really feel a thing (just like an X-Ray). Radiation, like many things, builds up over time and the more you get it the more your body gets depleted from it. My treatment didn’t include my skin (breast cancer treatments can really fry your skin in nasty ways) so I only got a minor sunburn on my skin by the end. Eventually what became normal was that about an hour post treatment I’d start to be real tired and my body would shut down a bit. But during the treatment itself I never could tell if anything in particular was actually happening.
  • Most people go in for chemotherapy treatments–this is the iconic images we have of people sitting in Lazyboys for hours at a time. This wasn’t my experience. I take pills. At home. And I grieve for those that must go in for the chemo treatments. It sucks to hang out at oncology clinics. Regardless these treatments are completely separate from radiation (though the two work in partnership together to kill cancer).

I’m sure that someone could write from a more knowledgable position about all of this, but for me this was my experience. We became somewhat close with the three ladies who radiated me every morning–I could tell you their Starbucks coffee drink of choice, I could tell you what they do on the weekends, how many kids they have, etc. They make the appointments better. I could tell you (or even show you) the maps of my body that show how much radiation my heart, lungs, and other parts received. I could relate stories (though they’re not mine to tell) of how my mother-in-laws radiation treatment varied significantly from mine and how bad her burns were among other things. There’s always more to say! At the very least I hope that, like me, you’re coming to a more clear understanding regarding all this crazy and mysterious stuff that we put our bodies through in order to get rid of these mutant cells known as cancer.

Dear Renovatus Church,

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Seven years ago with a baby on the way Jess and I joined nine other adults in the crazy adventure of trying to start a new church on the east side of Vancouver. This church ended up being called Renovatus (Latin for “renovation”). Over the course of those seven years we poured out our lives for and with this fledgling faith community. And in January of this year they waved goodbye to us as we began to take next steps in the journey of starting a new movement in downtown Vancouver. This week I was struck not only by how blessed I have been in my past by Renovauts but how they continue to play an active role in loving me and transforming the reality of my future. So with that said, here are a few words that I feel like I need to say to this beautiful community…

Dear Renovatus,

I have a lot to thank you for. My kids don’t know what church is outside of you. They don’t know that some people don’t have to setup their church out of a box each week. Thanks to you my kids don’t know how to behave in church because you were a safe place for them to be…well…to be kids. My kids have fond memories of their time with you. Thank you for that gift.

I have a lot to thank you for. You’ve cared for me in amazing ways—creating space for me to learn how to be a leader. Forgiving me for my awkwardness, for my randomness, and my mistakes. You let me experiment on you as I got excited about different ideas and processes. I wouldn’t be who I am if it wasn’t for you (I hope that’s a compliment!).

I have so much to thank you for—you’ve provided space for two former homeschoolers to learn how to be more normal, to learn how to do church in a way that’s so weird that it works, and to develop some lasting relationships that we wouldn’t otherwise have.

I’m indebted to you for providing a place for people I care deeply for. Over the years and

to this day many of those I love have found a place in your community and its not because of some special program that you offer but because of who you are and how you love. Thank you.

I’m indebted to you for how you have cared for and continue to care for my parents. I don’t know what it’s like to deal with your child dying of cancer but I know its got to be worse for the parents than for the kid! I love how you have surrounded them, how you have blessed them, and created an environment where they are being cared for in real and meaningful ways.

 

I’m grateful for how you’ve cared for me and my family in all of this cancer mess. You’ve cleaned my house, provided meals, paid medical bills, prayed, sent cards, and a dozen other things that belong on a list. Y’all have really showed that you mean it when you say that you’re trying to be like Jesus. I know this ‘cause I’ve been on the receiving end of it.

Thank you for being so weird. Seriously you are one weird group. Remember when we used to sing a song together about Jesus having worms in his hair? Who does that? What church sings that? We were all weirdos together and I hope that hasn’t changed just because I’m not there. (insert joke here)

Thank you for stretching my imagination. When Renovatus started all I could imagine was a worship gathering that was engaging and fun. By the time we had journeyed together for six years not only did that become second nature and assumed but our imaginations had together been stretched to realize that being the church was so much more than a worship gathering—it was a way of life, it was a community of people who were committed to each other, and it was a group of people who were together being transformed into their original purpose and intended beauty.

You all are a special group of people. As Jess and I continue the work of starting the Grassroots Conspiracy here in downtown Vancouver I am giddy to know that we’re not doing this alone. We are who we are because of you and we’re doing what we’re doing because of you and we’re glad to be attached at the hip. We love you and are grateful for who you are, who you’ve been, and who you’re becoming. Peace to your house…err…grange hall.

Surprise! A few stories I never thought would be in my past

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I just never thought that I’d be able to claim these things as experiences that are a part of my past. Life brings surprises doesn’t it? Hmm…a few stories…

  • After ripping one out, for thirty minutes I sat there with my wife and our twenty-eight year old female nurse as she drained my bladder via a newly inserted temporary catheter. We sat there as she held me gently and talked about our kids and the weather. Later that night we all played cards together. I just never thought that, number one, I’d have five catheters ripped in and out, and number two, that I’d be playing games with the woman who did it! Awkward? No, not really.
  • On the same topic…I just never thought that I’d ever walk around with a bag of urine strapped to my leg…in shorts…the worst was when I was doing rehab therapy and had to lay down and do leg lifts. Lets just say that those bags don’t have any kind of valve to keep the fluid from going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Gross.
  • I never thought I’d have to re-learn so many simple things. At different points I’ve had to learn how to re-put on my clothes/shoes, re-learn to drive, I hope to re-learn to ride a bike, obviously re-learn to walk, and eventually re-learn to run among other things. There are so many things I took for granted! Who’d of thought?!
  • I never thought I’d have to inspect my feet like I have leprosy. Just a few weeks ago I got an infection on my middle toe. Mostly it was due to me not realizing that there was a sore that needed attention…because I couldn’t feel it. Similarly I never thought that buying new shoes would be so difficult! I can’t really tell if they fit, if they’re smashing my toes, etc. Strange.
  • I never thought that my four year old daughter would be a faster runner than me. My kids keep inviting me to race…I think they like that they keep genuinely winning!
  • I never thought that X-Men would bring me to tears.
  • Pit swelling. I never thought that I’d suffer from armpit swelling. Yes, it’s a thing. It’s when you gain water weight in your armpits because of those lovely and terrible steroids. Ever suffer from excessive pit fat? I do.
  • My friends call me Tony the Tiger because I’m covered in flakes. No joke (yes it was). Due to my meds (I hope it’s the meds!) my body is a peeling mess. From my feet to my head my skin scales off like a lizard. Its gross. I’m gross. And, yes, that just happened (referring to lame Tony the Tiger joke)
  • I don’t want to get gross on you here (the catheter stuff wasn’t too gross was it?) and I won’t turn it into a story…but lets just say that for three weeks of my life I’d head into the bathroom with a plunger, baby wipes, and latex gloves. It was a difficult time for me, and one that I’d like to forget.
Oh the stories, oh the things I just never anticipated, oh how I didn’t get into some of the more grotesquely awesome stuff! (you’re welcome)

Assumptions

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Judge me if you will. I partially judge myself ‘cause I honestly didn’t see myself as an iPad kind of guy. We always joke (though we’re kind of serious at the same time) that we don’t have to worry about people breaking into our home cause we do not have anything of value for them to steal. A burglar would be sorely disappointed upon breaking into our house to find no stereo system, no high end computers (the laptop I was given is a nice computer but I’ve always got it with me!), no jewelry,  no TV’s, no blueray players…nothing really of value to steal. We live a pretty cheap life, driving a crappy used minivan, drinking out of mason jars instead of matching glasswear, not owning a single new piece of furniture (actually, this one came to an end last week when for the first time ever we bought a bed frame…a new bed frame!). So had you told me a year ago that I’d save up some cash and buy an iPad I would have judged myself. But oh how things have changed. Oh how my perspective on many things have changed. Oh how our perceived needs (and wants) have changed. To purchase a toy for my family that will give them something to do during the hours of waiting-room wait time that they have in store doesn’t sound so criminal anymore!

We do that don’t we? Some of us do it more than others. Some are addicted to it hardcore and it shapes not only their identity but how they feel and think about every single person around them. We make assumptions. Here are some other assumptions that I’ve made in my own life…

My kids will not be picky eaters. I remember Jess and I saying this as we raised our newborn baby boy. We fed him fresh asparagus, cauliflower, leafy greens, and all those healthy things that will shape his palate for years to come. He’ll learn to eat it or he’ll go hungry! Well, when Jones was two or three he went about six months without eating dinner. No joke. We made food, he complained, we told him that ‘this is what’s for dinner’, and he chose to go without. For. Six. Months. Turns out he’s got some special needs associated with texture and such that causes certain foods to not really work in his mouth. Turns out that ‘sticking it to him’ was NEVER going to work on its own. Hmm…so now I’ve got a picky eater.

I’ll never divorce my wife. Ok, don’t freak out! We’re not getting divorced and I do not ever intend to do so! But as I’ve seen marriage after marriage fail around me, as I’ve seen people I respect do unrespectable things, as I’ve seen people who would ‘never ever get divorced’ get divorced I’ve had to face the reality that this isn’t an assumption I can make. It’s a constant choice I must make, it’s a series of choices that Jess and I must make, it’s thousands of tiny choices to be healthy that leads to a healthy and sustained marriage. “I’m never going to be that guy”…well…nobody ever plans to be that guy! The only way not to be that guy is to choose daily who you’re going to be.

My kids won’t ever act like that in public. Fill in the blank here in both location and action. My kid won’t ever do THAT in public. They won’t ever act like THAT in a restaurant. “My kid will NEVER throw a tantrum like that…” Oh, how many things like this I’ve thought. Oh how many parents I judged before I was a parent. Oh, how many assumptions I’ve made about how my children will behave. Turns out my children are humans, turns out they have thoughts and opinions and feelings. Turns out they sometimes make poor choices in public…turns out you’re not a bad parent if your kids act out in a restaurant.

I’ll never have a yappy dog. There’s probably a better way to write this one. But plain and simply I just never ever thought that I’d have a Chihuahua. Ever. Look at me now. Judge me. I deserve it.

I could go on and on about assumptions I’ve made (oh, how many of them are associated with my children!). Some of you live your life assuming that you know what’s really going on for everyone around you. Your first (and last) thought is that your perception of other people’s reality is the correct one. You more easily walk through life assuming realities about others based on your own observations without ever asking a single question or engaging in a single dialog. You honestly believe that you can know others without engaging with others. Careful. Be cautious. Beware. Life is too messy to live this way! People and life are too complicated to make judgements from a distance!

As someone who puts himself out there publicly probably too often and in too vulnerable of ways I’ve found that I put myself in a position for people to make lots of assumptions about my life and my decisions. Because I write (too much?), because I do awkward things like communicate publicly how much I make, or ask for money, or share my fears about dying, or whatever it often gives people a false sense of mastery over my motives and my reasoning. At times I’ve been hurt, at other times I’ve gotten mad, and at other times I’ve just laughed.

I struggle with making assumptions about others, about the future, and about how things should go. Assuming is the easy way out, it requires less of me, it expects less of me, it shapes me into a person that doesn’t need you to know you…and I don’t want to be that kind of person.

I might put myself out there too much in too many ways and it might come with some risks…but I think I’m going to assume that its worth it.