Author Archives: admin

admin

About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

One Down, Eleven More To Go

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So that wasn’t too bad. Five days of 340mg of Temodar every night before bed, throw in a cocktail of anti-nausea meds, a little Vicodin, and a few extra naps and it went by pretty quickly (my wife might say otherwise!) The doc says that I’ll probably feel the juice flowing through my body for another five to seven days but it’s nice to know that one treatment’s down with only eleven more to go (and another 4 weeks before I’ve got to take more!).

Tomorrow morning at the delicious time of 6am I’m flying out to Nashville to be a part of a large gathering of Kairos Church Planting participants. It should be an exciting week of hearing stories from around the United States concerning the creativity and innovation that’s happening in starting new faith communities for new people. I feel blessed to call myself a part of this larger national family…now if only I could count on someone to help me shower and take my pills when I get there…anyone? Volunteers?

Seriously though, keep me in your thoughts and prayers that there’s no complications on the plane (blood clotting in my legs from sitting too long would be bad), that the after affects of the chemo don’t keep me down while I’m there, and (most importantly) that my wife survives without me while I’m gone (I’m pretty hard to live without).

Old and Young…we all bleed

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Jess’ grandpa and I have a lot in common. You wouldn’t think it at first. He’s a retired mechanic who lives in the high desert of California. He enjoys fishing, he’s crass, and he’s got a cool glass eye…I don’t posses many of those attributes.

But we do have lots in common and last night it was funny to talk about.

“How much Coumadin you takin’ these days? Oh, wow, that’s quite a bit! And they’ve got you taking Asprin too? Yeah, I’m down to 5mg a day but I’ll still bleed like a mother if you cut me! I used to take more but as my steroids get lower so does my need for it. You too eh? Yeah those ‘roids will mess you up.”

We talked about our blood thinners, about being on steroids, about putting on water weight, and about our procedures* we’ve each had done. We swapped stories about anesthesia, which pain killers we prefer, and getting our blood drawn all too often. Good doctors, bad doctors, new medicines, bad side affects…so much to talk about! So much in common!

On this level (and maybe only on this level) we understand each other, speak the same language, and have a common story. We’re living it out in opposite order–he never had a single health problem ’till he hit 65…then the flood gates opened. I, on the other hand, am getting all my procedures and medical issues out of the way early so that I can cruise once I hit 65 (that’s my plan right?). And here we are meeting in the middle.

It’s funny how all this works. Who’da thought that Papa BJ and I would ever have so much in common. Life’s funny like that.

 

* That’s what you call surgeries and such when you start to age.

We Need Structure…but do we want it?

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When we talk about becoming a community who does life together and we speak of how we’re better off together than we are on our own we often run the risk of falling off into fanciful ideas and dreams that materialize into nothing. Intentionality is tough to come by. Follow-through is tough to come by. Action is tough to come by.

I’m speaking biographically here.

The challenge isn’t just that huge transition from dreaming to experimenting but it’s the mental shift that accepts that intentional structures can be of value…or, dare I say it, are essential to doing life together!

That’s right, I’m going to go as far as to say that for us to do life together, for a community to be shaped by the truth that we’re better off together than we are on our own we must have intentional (routine?) structures that draw us together, that invite us into doing life together in deeper ways, and that give us a venue for personal and communal transformation.

The idea that we’ll all be transformed and that we’ll develop into some sort of alternative special community through randomness, organic-y activity*, and an all out embrace of fluidity is a pipe dream. The best things in life happen with some level of intentionality.

So here in the ‘Couve I’ve been spending significant time trying to discern and dream up what type of structures will bring about the life that we so desperately need and desire. How are we shaped as individuals amongst the community? How are we shaped as a community amongst a larger neighborhood? How are we agents of transformation in a neighborhood within a city? The reality, I think, is that it’s hugely ordinary stuff. What’s not so ordinary about it is the willingness to commit to each other, the willingness to experiment together, and the willingness to commit to a way of life together.**

It might sound boring, but we need structures to sustain life together. Weekly community meals. Bi-weekly discussion groups. Theology pubs. Mom’s groups. Neighborhood associations. Monthly gatherings. Annual gatherings. Random gatherings. Meals. Meals. And more meals.

The question isn’t do we need it…but do we want it?

 

*  “Organic” as a term shouldn’t refer to things that are left on their own…though that’s how it’s often used and that’s how I’m using it here. I don’t know if any of you garden organically but it’s a whole lot harder than gardening with chemicals. It takes work, time, effort, intentionality, planning, etc. It’s not a loosey goosey process!

** I would add that it’s essential that this ‘way of life’ must invite us into something bigger than ourselves (not just greater than ourselves but even greater than us). If we’re not a part of a larger redemptive story then I don’t think we’ll ever break out of the ordinariness of life as most of the world experiences it.

Can you Handle This?

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the immortal words of Destiny’s Child

Can you handle this?

Can you handle this?

Can you handle this?

I don’t think they can handle this.

In the movie 50/50 that I blogged about recently the main character’s girlfriend cheats on him in the middle of his cancer treatments. She doesn’t just cheat on him but obviously fails to be a support to him in many ways. On NPR, speaking about the story behind the movie, the writer shared how the girl friend character represented all those who were unable to walk with him in his journey of fighting cancer.

This really resonated with me. I have had an amazing support system through all of this (and continue to be supported in amazing ways) but there has been loss. There’s been loss of relationship in different areas of my life and in many of those areas it’s come down to some unknown element of that person not being able to deal with the reality of what cancer brings. At first I was a bit hurt by it, I felt a bit abandoned by certain people who I thought would be present during the sickness because they were present before the sickness.

Today I feel much more compassion and understanding (I’m grateful to the movie for helping me to process some of this). While we’re each responsible for our own choices, there is an element of reality to the fact that some are just not fully equipped (for whatever reason) to deal with the harsh realities of a friend fighting cancer (one could probably fill in the blank with many different diseases or crisis’ here). We all have baggage and some of our baggage does not allow us to walk in certain places. Some people just can’t go there, it’s too intense, or too painful, or too…something. On the flip side, some of our baggage allows us to walk with people in places where very few others can go! We’ve had some of these people too! Surprising people, previously unknown people have stepped up in the midst of the last five months to care for us in ways that we never would have expected…and almost %100 of the time it’s because they’ve had experiences that allow them to go with us to some of these places.

I don’t want to blame people anymore for their lack of ability, for their lack of experiences, for their lack of whatever that has kept them from being close during all this. It’s not fruitful and it’s also causing me to wonder how it reflects on me! I know of people in my past that I’ve abandoned because it was easier to forget than to care…and I know there will be more in my future! I want to extend the same grace to others that I hope has and will be extended to me.

Regardless, I grieve the (temporary?) loss of some relationships along the way, but I’ve come to understand that it’s just another exhibit of our humanity playing itself out in real life. I don’t want to blame people for their brokenness as much as I would hope they wouldn’t blame me for mine. Destiny’s Child was right, some people just can’t handle this…my body’s too bootilicious…but then again, so is yours.

Glossing Over The Reality?

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I worry that I see the world through rose-colored glasses, that I’m detached from reality and am living in some alternative universe where cancer doesn’t suck and death isn’t scary. Is this worry legitimate? (Just know that the answer to this rhetorical question should be answered by the fact that my wife would be laughing right now)

In general as a person I tend to minimize the bad and play up the good*…which sounds like a swell thing until you realize that at time it edges on deceitfulness and it also has cultivated in myself a lack of awareness to reality as it truly exists. For example, I’ve had to re-learn, to recognize the symptoms in my body because for most of my life I’ve downplayed any potential ache and pain and written it off as nothing. I honestly don’t notice when somethings wrong with me because I’ve trained myself to ignore everything.

“Ryan, you look sick. Are you feeling ok?” “Nah, I feel fine” (I ALWAYS feel fine)

In many of my blog posts I try to be honest about the reality of life as we’ve been experiencing it, the good with the bad, the positive with the negative, the ups and downs. But to be quite honest my baggage is such that I’ve trained myself to glaze over the bad and emphasize the good. I’m not lying, I’m not fooling anybody, I’m sharing what I am really feeling and thinking…but is what I’m feeling and thinking the reality?!

And so I find myself struggling through this journey of not only fighting cancer but trying to rediscover myself, rediscover my emotions, rediscover reality as it is. The goal isn’t to pout more or to become more pessimistic–no, the goal, I think, is awareness. It is to be present–present in my surroundings, present in my suffering, present in my body, present in my emotions…to be present.

 

* This is what an Enneagram 9 does!