Author Archives: admin

admin

About admin

In the process of starting a new grassroots movement in downtown Vancouver, Washington. In the process of fighting terminal cancer. In the process of learning to be a better neighbor, husband, father, Christ follower, and friend. As initiators of the Grassroots Conspiracy we hope to be a part of a movement of hope, imagination, and transformation in our developing downtown neighborhoods.

Thoughts on why fairness is a myth

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We should include the concept of fairness with such ideas as Zeus, cheap gas, and Bigfoot: mythology. Fairness is a myth, it’s an idea that many have latched onto because it’s cheap hope, it’s a cheap story to cling onto, it’s speaks to our base desire of wanting an easy way out. Fairness is a grand myth that many of us have bought into…an it aint working so well for us.

I’ve had a few good friends grieve with me and make comments about how its not fair that I have cancer. The underlying premise is that it’s because I’m  young, have a couple of great kids, a great marriage, and am a part of good things emerging here in downtown Vancouver I shouldn’t have cancer. But is that really true? I mean, the part about my wonderful kids, being young, and all that is obviously true; but is it true that this it is somehow unfair that I’ve got cancer? Absolutely not! In reality it’s complete bs isn’t it? The implications of such a thought are that there are those who deserve to have cancer, that there are those who-if they die of some disease- it can be said that it was just and fair.* May it never be so! This ideology is void of hope in its entirety and it places us as humans as the judge of those who deserve life…quite a dangerous place to put ourselves!

Think about fairness for a moment. If something good happens to me I don’t whine about how its not fair do I? Rarely. If something good happens to you, you might find me whining about how its not fair and how it should have gone better for me, but rarely is fairness an issue when things are well. Instead the idea of life being fair is a tool that we wield when we’re upset about our circumstances. It gives us an easy out and justifies our grumbling.

In reality what is fair? While I’m no expert I think that the Hindu religious system (and the caste system that it seems to support) is supposed to be an exercise in fairness. You get what you deserve based on the past life you lived. If you’re in a bad place in life (a lower caste?) you’re there not because life’s a bitch but because you deserve that place because of your past choices in a previous life. Karma right?

Life’s not fair. If it were there’d be no hope for many of us. We don’t want life to be fair, we don’t really want karma to be true, what we want is for life to be full of grace. That’s the beauty of love, it’s the beauty of the way of life that Jesus invites us into–you give generously to people because they’re people not because they deserve it (fairness). We place our hope in the idea that we are loved…even in our worse moments…even when cancer is ravaging our bodies we have hope in love not in getting what (or what we don’t) deserve.

If you spend your lives running after the myth of fairness not only will you end up being sorely disappointed and jaded but you’ll also miss out on the beauty of love…and that just wouldn’t be fair now would it?!

 

* Maybe in certain instances we can agree that dying of a disease was a natural consequence for how their lives were lived…but does that still give us the freedom to claim it as fair and just?

Lyrics that make a difference

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These lyrics just might change your life…

Lives are like retractible pencils
If you push them too hard they’re gonna break
And people are like paper dolls
Paper dolls and people, they’re a similar shape
Love is like a roll of tape
It’s real good for making two things one
But just like that roll of tape
Love sometimes breaks off before you were done
Another way that love is similar to tape
That I’ve noticed
Is sometimes it’s hard to see the end
You search on the roll
 Search on the roll
 With your fingernail
Again and again
And again and again
And again.
Brown paper, white paper
Stick it together with the tape
The tape of love
The sticky stuff 

Brown paper, white paper
Stick it together with tape
The tape of love
The sticky stuff.

Brown paper, white paper 
Paper paper Stick it together with tape
Paper paper The tape of love
People people
People people
Pencil pencil
Pencil pencil
Paper paper
Put the pencil to the paper
Give the paper to the people
Let the people read about the sello tape
Oh baby baby
Yeah

 Brown paper, white paper
Stick it together with tape
The tape of love
The sticky stuff
Yeah
Ooh brown
Brown paper, white paper
Stick it together with tape
The tape of love
Say it
Sticky
Stick stick
Stick it together
Ye-yeah

It Tastes Like Burning

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I think I’ve figured out that I do better handling physical pain than I do the monotony of exhaustion, queasiness, and discomfort. Physical pain functions somewhat as an enemy that I can fight against while the other stuff seems to keep me more depressed and unplugged from life. It creeps up on you and doesn’t give you a direct enemy to stand up against. So I spend most of my week sleeping though Saturday, Sunday, and Monday I have a bit more energy. Saturday is reserved for my family, Sunday is my big social day as we have our community meal (though few realize that following the meal I literally sleep/rest from 4 ’till the next morning!), and Monday ends up being filled with prep for the week ahead(counting out pills, doing bills, etc.).

As far as an update, in the last week a new symptom has crept up where the skin on my sides and stomach feel like they’re on fire. The nerves are on edge and I spend most the day trying to keep a shirt, wife, or sheet from touching me. Today I talked to my doctor about it and guess what…I get to go back on steroids! The steroids are intended to reduce any swelling in my spine that could be causing the symptoms. Additionally today I’ll be going in for an MRI to make sure there’s no bleeding in my spine that could also be a cause.

All in all I’m a week and a half away from being done with my radiation and chemo treatments which means that I’m about five and a half weeks away from my first set of MRI’s that will show progress or digression in fighting against the cancer (the MRI I’m receiving today shouldn’t provide much valuable information at this point in time). Pray for that date at the end of September!

I miss being a part of y’alls life but I am still constantly amazed at how we’ve been  cared for. I could list off over 100 names of people who have brought us meals, helped pick up our house, or have sent gifts or cards. The good news is that now that I’m back on steroids I’ll be able to cry again as I think about how amazing you all have been (I’ve truly missed the gift of tears lately).

See you all soon (after August 24th hopefully)

peace.

Quilts and their stories

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At any given moment my bed will be covered by a number of different blankets. Each one tells a story.

  • The ratty blue quilt that’s barely holding together, the one we take on picnics and to the beach was made for my by my wife. It’s the only full sized quilt she’s ever made and she made it for me. This quilt has been to two foreign countries (Texas and Portugal) and its been a mainstay since she gave it to me after I graduated from high school and before I left her for two long years. I love this blanket ’cause it reminds me of her.
  • The tan quilt was made by my family and was a gift to my wife and I for our wedding (ok, the ‘gift’ was about a year or two late). It’s got stitches from my nieces, my cousins, my sisters, my mom, and maybe even a few others. I love it ’cause it represents my family and my marriage to my wife.
  • We also have a giant quilt covered in awkward photos, funny quotes, and meaningful words. It was given to us by the Renovatus Church community when we waved goodbye to our six year long love affair with them in January. Each square was designed and made by a different person from that community. I love this quilt because it represents such an important part of my life that includes some of my most favorite people.
  • My mom made me a small blanket that is so worn it’s barely used. It’s covered in pictures of my family and its squares are made from fabric of my childhood. I love this quilt because it reminds me of my family and my childhood.
  • I have been given two quilts during my time fighting against cancer. One was made by my aunts and my grandma. It has the scent of frankincense (a scent important in the Christian story and also an important herb in fighting cancer). My sister and her whole church also made me a quilt. It was stitched on by strangers and loved ones alike and has ribbons stitched on that are associated with central nervous system cancer awareness. I love these blankets because they’re reminders that people are praying for me and my family.
I love the story that my bed tells (ok, that could be take the wrong way now couldn’t it?!) While these blankets don’t capture everything that matters to me, they catch much of it. So please know that if you love me you’ll make me a quilt…or else.

Ups and Downs

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Life is filled with ups and downs. Even if you look at the American economy you can see how things ebb and flow, how fifteen years ago everything was perfect and we could do no wrong to today where we don’t seem to have enough jobs or money to go around. Ups and downs.

One week I was in Disneyland and the next I was discovering that I had a tumor in my spinal cord. Another week I was taking joy in learning to walk only to then find out that walking was the least of my worries. The week that I finally waved goodbye to steroids was an exciting time, but it was followed by ten days of excruciating headaches from withdraws. The night of the amazing fundraiser planned for us was followed the next day by the emergence of blood clots in my lungs. Ups and downs.

Its been a challenge the last week to find energy (both physical and emotional) following my bout with blood clots because it starts to feel like there’s always going to be ‘one more thing’. Additionally its to the point now where its hard to think about a future different thats not filled with constant rest, doctors appointments, and nausea.

Lately it’s been feeling more down than up…but as we know life is filled with both. Neither define us but both shape us. Both invite us to become new creatures, transformed into something that we could not otherwise be. Some lives are filled with more ups than downs while others are filled with more downs than ups. Most of my favorite people have experienced lots of downs.

As a follower of Jesus my belief is that death’s ass has been kicked–that life will one day be filled with ups–that the downs that we experience this side of death are temporary and only wet our appetite for a future consumed with peace, love, and joy.

Until then I think we’re invited to live into a reality that does not yet fully exist, we attempt to join in with God’s movement in bringing that future into today’s world. But part of that is the freedom and even the necessity to grieve the brokenness (the down moments) of life for what they are: imperfections introduced into God’s perfect creation.

Life is filled with ups and downs. Lately I’ve been experiencing more downs than ups, tomorrow may be different…and that’s just life this side of eternity. We anticipate, we wet our appetite, and we seek to bring that reality to todays world while simultaneously grieving the fact that it has not yet fully come. Downs suck…but that won’t always be the case…at least that’s where my hope lies. Where’s yours?