Ok this is a very random, very awkward, very…something video entry today. Enjoy if you’re able!
Awkward: Video Blog 8-1-12
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Capturing the Imagination
We highlighted this quote at our monthly Grassroots Conspiracy gathering* last night:
”Revolutions are often planned in cafes and begin with talks among friends. Great social and spiritual movements germinate when a few isolated people find one another, share deeply and dream out loud about a different and better future. Through generative friendship, a collective voice becomes stronger, and what was once timidly whispered in private emerges to become the topic of public discourse and reform. Dialogue creates resonance that fosters grass-roots energy and initiative. Conversation at its best is never just talk; it is the means by which we kindle imagination and gain the courage to take action.”
— Mark Scandrette
When I read this I was struck by how dead on it was in describing what it is we are experimenting with in the fledgling GC movement. I’d love to fashion a blog around that quote but I tend to think that it adequately speaks for itself. And. So. I’ll just let it do that. I hope it inspires you and draws you up into a new place within your own imagination for what could be in your own world! Because the more I’m learning the more I am convinced that one of the greatest tasks of a leader is to cultivate a new imagination amongst a community of people.
* Our monthly gathering is not a worship/church service. It is the first among a series of rhythms that we’ve invited people to join us in. The idea, the expectation, is that if we live into these rhythms with intentionality it will lead to a movement of people getting to know Jesus and the eventuality of the formation of a faith community. If you are someone who lives in or around the downtown area and may want to join our little ‘Conspiracy’ please let me know and we’ll talk!
Heavenly Thoughts…
One of the most important tenants of the Christian faith is the hope of resurrection. The Jesus message brings huge value for today because it invites us into a story that challenges how we do life: beckoning us to a way of life that is marked by compassion for the outsider, hospitality toward the stranger, mercy toward the weak, dignity for all, love to each other, sacrifice as a means to life, and so much more. But without resurrection these ways of living come to a violent end marked by death–and end that is not fitting with the story being told. Because the reality, clearly, is that our bodies and this world are decaying. They are. But in the story of Jesus there is a promise of new life, a promise of a restored and renovated creation where everything will be brought back to its original purpose and intended beauty.
This is the day I live for.*
That day…
I dream of a day where my body won’t hurt. Where going to the bathroom won’t be a chore (yes in that day I’ll still be going to the bathroom because…)
I dream of a day where everything I eat will be exquisite and deliciously fresh. Where the food that goes into my body makes my body and my tongue satisfied beyond belief. Food will forever continue to be the gift God intended it to be but without all this extra jiggly stuff added on.
I dream of a day where fighting will end, where peace will not even be something we fight for because it will be our one and only reality. There will be nothing outside of an existence where people are not stepping on other people to gain, destroy, and control. Peace will control us.
I dream of a day where we laugh a lot and laugh often. Where the tears that stream down our face are from good jokes rather than sorrow, pain, or grief. I imagine that we’ll discover that God gets more of our crass jokes than we ever gave him credit for–that’s the day I dream of. (cards against humanity anybody?)
I dream of a day where everyone is welcome around the same table to feast on the aforementioned food. There is no exclusion based on race, economic status, sexuality, or politic. We will all feast together because we have all been invited to the same exquisite table to feast around, because we all belong, because…because we’ve all accepted the dinner invitation.
I dream of a day where creation isn’t falling apart. Climate change, hurricanes, hail storms, they will all be relegated to a place of grief over our past rather than a worry in our future.** Creation will be what it was forever intended to be except it will be more alive now than ever before. New colors, new trees, new animals will fill the horizon as we experience life unabated.
I dream of a day where our choices are not marked by destruction. We will no longer make choices that destroy ourselves, destroy our bodies, and destroy our hearts. Instead our choices will be marked by exploration, by intrigue, and by love and fascination of self and otherness.
I dream of a day where I will be married to my wife forever. We will live and walk in unity, keeping the commitment to each other that we so desperately do not ever want to break. We will continue our exploration of life, romance, and otherness together as we journey deeper into eternity.
I dream of a day where there’s time to read–where there’s always time to read.
I dream of a world where reality television has been unmasked for what it really is: cheap programing.
I dream of a day where orphans and widows have a seat of honor and are cared for with extra respect and dignity.
I dream of a day where i can ride a bike again.
I dream of a day where we still have cars. Better cars. Cars that don’t break down as often.
I want to dream more. I want to dream lots of things. I want to dream bigger than what I’ve shared above. And I know, (I’m banking on it), that my dreams won’t even touch the amazingly beautiful reality that we’re going to be invited to enter into one day…now that’s something worth dreaming about!
* Though, if you know me and my wife and my family and the lives we try to live I hope you’ll know that I have not fallen out of the boat on this side! I have not given up on the truth that in living for today we have the gift of truly seeing and experiencing every day as a glimpse into eternity. I truly believe that we can bring pieces of that futur reality into today. So lets not miss that when I say that I live for that day because much of that day can be brought into today! (talk about good news right?)
** Yes, in my future dreaming there is still a place for some grief and sorrow. We cannot live a new existence if we’ve forgotten who we are or where we’ve come from!
MRI Results: A Few New Friends
It’s official: I’m dying.
Ok, ok, that’s true of all of us and it was true of me as much last week as it is today. It’s as true of you today as it was true of you yesterday. But once again we were reminded of the reality* of our situation, of the nearness to death that I am living, and of the seriousness of my illness. Being completely honest, those are not all things that i really need to be ‘reminded’ of because my body is constantly reminding me of those truths. It’s for this reason that six weeks ago the good results we received back were so disconcerting: they did not match what my body was telling me. This weeks results were quite the opposite.
MRI Results
Only hours before literally one of the best birthday parties I’ve ever had thrown for me the results came in showing that my original tumor (the one that shrunk by one centimeter last time) has stayed the same. This is good news. The bad news is that two new tumors have emerged inside my spinal cord. The smaller of the two is 1cm across and is in the base of my neck. The larger is a 1.5 cm tumor located in my middle to lower back (right where my bladder function is controlled ironically). Additionally the ‘sheath-like tumor‘ that surrounds my spinal cord has begun to thicken or constrict down near the base of my spine. It was great to be able to celebrate with the people I love and forget for a short period of time the reality that lay under the skin. Some of you drug the news out of me but for the most part Jess and I chose to enjoy the scenery and the company.
What does this mean?
It means that I’ve still got a nasty type of cancer that prefers to continually grow and spread itself in invasive ways. That’s the nature of a GBM. That’s just what they do. It means that my current method of treatment is not effective and we have the choice to start something new or to essentially give up on traditional medical treatment. It means that I met with my naturopath yesterday to talk about my oncologists suggestion of a new chemo. And, finally, it means that today we’re going in to initiate my new once-a-month chemotherapy treatment. For clarity sake here is what things look like: every two weeks I will continue taking the Avastin anti-body drug that I’ve been on. Once a month I will start a new chemo that will be potentially more invasive than some of the drugs I’ve done before. And simultaneously through it all I will be taking a specific regimen of herbs and supplements tailored to the medical treatment I’m receiving (something we’ve done since day one). The probability is that I’ll finally lose my hair, I’ve probably got a season ahead of me where I’m ever more tired than I’ve been lately, and I might be dealing with some more extended nausea fun.
Telling the Kids
The kids were looking forward (maybe ‘looking forward’ isn’t the best way to capture it!) to these results. After getting the ‘good news’ last time India was so ecstatic that daddy’s tumor was smaller that she quickly opened her worry box and let all of her worries float away “up up up into the sky like balloons so that they’ll never come back”. Jones quickly balanced that hopefulness with “Even with the good news, my worries aren’t floating away. They’re made of steel and they are not ever going to leave.” So we were worried about her gentle little spirit, worried that she’d be crushed. In the end, as we expected, it was the thought of daddy losing his hair that was most worrisome. And so both kids came up with backup plans for daddy. We’ll have a stash of wigs, of green eyebrows, some watercolor pencils to draw on angry eye brows, happy eyebrows, etc. If or when it comes to it they gett to have the fun and pleasure of cutting daddy’s hair at our friends salon–something that seriously piqued their interest.
The End
In the end I’m not sure quite where I’m at nor how I feel. I’m certain that whatever it is or wherever I am at I’m not ready to share it here. I am feeling fine–which is usually not a very connected or healthy place for me personally to be (I can be eternally fine and live in this fine place for a inFINEtely long time to the detriment of myself and others!) I do know that in many ways nothing has changed. These results have validated many of my new symptoms, they have corroborated what my body has been telling me for two months which in a strange way is quite comforting. So in that respect, from that perspective, nothing has changed. And while nothing has changed…we are still desperately looking for, praying for, and hoping for a miracle. It couldn’t come sooner if you ask me. But, again, our faith is in God not in his willingness or ability to heal me.
Here’s my final though about all of this. In the end Jessica and I are realizing more and more that all we’ve ever been given is today. It’s cheesy to say. It is so incredibly painful to practice in real life. And it definitely has the potential to be one of the most trite things an individual who is not connected to a person’s story can say to someone suffering or grieving–but in this life today truly is all that we have been given. Nothing more, nothing less. I want more. I need more. I have not been promised more…not in this life.
Thank you Jesus for hope in the resurrection.
* Our choice is to live in reality as it is while simultaneously hoping and pleading with God for an alternative reality to enter into our story.
Why I’m a Little Confused
It makes me laugh even as it regularly confuses me. You see, I fall asleep constantly. For example, as I watched the new Batman movie the night before last night I fell asleep at least six times throughout the epic film (while watching it on one of the largest screens known to mankind). I can fall asleep at any given moment in any context. It’s been amusing to be sitting on the front row of a venue where I’m about to speak only to find myself fighting to stay awake! Shouldn’t I be nervously alert and wide awake at those moments? How about while I’m getting pushed around a grocery store in a wheelchair? How about as i’m in a conversation with my wife about important things?! Don’t worry, though, Jess doesn’t take it personally, she realizes that it’s a combo of pure exhaustion, medications, and actual sickness. She knows she’s not boring (clearly she’s not boring!).
I just. I just fall asleep. Everywhere. Anywhere. All the time. Right now….
…
Here’s the funny part though, because I live in a constant sleep/awake state and because the sleep that occurs is instantaneously a very deep deep sleep–I often am unaware of what is real and what has been a dream. No joke. No exaggeration.
Just last night I commented to my mom about how many weeds had popped up in our front yard overnight! I mean, seriously, it had turned in a virtual weed-locked mess out there…oh, wait, nope…yeah, that was a dream wasn’t it? Crap. Never mind mom.
Or the other day I told Jess about seeing Southwest Washington’s famous Dave at the oncology clinic. I started to tell her about it and then we both laughed ’cause we both quickly realized that it was a dream. Ha, Dave doesn’t go to my oncology clinic! Silly Ryan is getting dreams and reality mixed up again…until we were there a few days later and there was Dave at my oncology clinic! Turns out this one wasn’t a dream! How’s a boy to know?!
Over and over again I start sentences and stories with Jess only to realize that they never really happened. To be honest it’s often a little disappointing ’cause they’re usually interesting things to talk about. I wish I were crazy enough to get confused about big awesome things like aliens coming to earth or apple pies growing in our garden or Cheez-its coming out with a new flavor, or something fantastic like that. But, no, it’s usually more connected to a new stretch mark that turned green or our car getting dented or or our towels all getting bleached or…or something simple like that. But it’s still just the weirdest and strangest thing to live in this mystery of what is real and what isn’t. It’s a bit disconcerting but honestly more awesome than anything else. It’s a power that I’m glad my wife doesn’t abuse (could you imagine the power she could wield over me?!)–Actually, hmm, what if she were to constantly play it up? What if she always threw fake things out there to mess with me? I’d be a mess…a hilariously confused mess! Hmm…this gives me an idea. A gift. A gift I could bequeath to my wife right here, right now, forevermore….
Here’s the official deal:
if I ever get to that place where I’m clearly dying soon and I’m practically in a veggitized state I hereby give my wife permission to confuse me with my own ‘dreams’. Hear ye hear ye let this officially be known: Jessica Woods has my permission to do such dastardly deeds without the social ramifications of being considered a jerk in any way whatsoever. This will allow Ryan in his last days to still be a part of something fun and amusing–to which he will be forever grateful. Let it be so.
Yours Truly,
Ryan Woods