I’d like to say that I can’t believe that I never realized this before but that would be disingenuous because it’s fairly common for me to not realize things about myself. I shouldn’t really be surprised by this fact anymore.

Jessica and I often lament the fact that we don’t do routine well. All we’ve ever wanted for our family and for ourselves is to be people that are consistent, that live by a healthy set of rhythms, and that have a handful of specific (fun) patterns that shape our lives. Instead we often find ourselves scattered and on the go, random, and a bit all over the place.

Often when we get rid of the kids for a day or two our ideal time together is to go to Storables and figure out what we could buy that would better organize our lives. Maybe its just a matter of having a better calendar, a better app on our phones, or better shelving in our closet…or maybe the problem is just us.

It’s not all bad though. The thing is is that some of our best qualities as a family and as individuals exist in juxtaposition to a routine and organized life. We’re spontaneous, we’re relaxed and easy going, and we’ll generally scrap any plans if it allows us to spend time with people.

Here’s the awkward realization though…I am a fairly organized person and I am a very routine driven person. I shower the EXACT same way every morning, I put on my deodorant, brush my teeth, take my medicines, put on my clothes, etc. in virtually the exact same way every single day. I keep my backpack in a specific way, keep my computer files organized in a specific way, put my keys in the same spot every day, put the same three things in my pockets every day, blah, blah, blah, etc. etc. Routine is actually quite important to how I function as a person.

Jessica is driven by anticipation, by the next fun event. She moves through life looking for the next party or defining experience. She’s an incredible visionary because she has a knack for seeing what does not yet exist, she’s incredibly fun to be around because she’s excitable and entertaining, she’s passionate about moving forward and about growth. But her challenge is valuing the moment enough to live in it (rather than in anticipation of the next moment). So organization and routine do not fit who she is very well, it’s taxing and a great challenge to who she is. I, on the other hand, am driven by creating peace and stability in my environment. I want/need things to be chill, to have few extremes, and to be balanced. My tendency is to change my opinion solely based on whether or not I think it will create a more peaceful environment around me. So I’m easy to be around but I can be potentially spineless and can painfully undermine people’s feelings (if you’ve got an extreme feeling, valid or not, I’ll want to neutralize it in order to make things safer for myself).

The reason WE have a hard time being organized or living by a certain set of rhythms is that I choose not to bring who I am to the table all the time. I mean, I wouldn’t want to impose, I wouldn’t want to unsettle anything in a person or system around me by trying to make changes or hold others to something that I think would be valuable would I? That might shake up the peace…the peace that I crave so desperately.

So, yeah, I’m the problem. In life in general I’m learning to grow a pair, I’m learning to step out and own my own opinions, I’m learning to value others’ seemingly extreme emotions (and to even value my own), I’m learning that peace is valuable but not at all costs, I’m learning that to shut myself down is to be dishonest. I’m learning…at least I hope I am.