Category Archives: Awkward

Really Bad Metaphors (part 2)

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This is part two in my multifaceted series of really really bad metaphors making absolutely no valuable point whatsoever. So without further adieu…a really poor illustration for life:

When me and my sisters were little my grandma always instructed us to not let the dog lick us. Dogs have dirty mouths of course. She did, however, have one alternative–one way in which dog licking was always aceptable–one way in which she actually encouraged dog licking to happen. “You can let the dog lick your ear as much as you want.” This wasn’t a joke, it wasn’t a tricky way to keep the kids from receiving dog licks. No, she was serious. And so were we. I spent much of my childhood trying to get a dog to lick my ear.

Don’t we all want to have our ear licked by a dog? Imagine in this illustration that you are me, that your ear represents your heart, the dog represents your father, and the tongue represents his love…No, wait, you’re me, the ear is your fear, the dog is God, and the tongue is the BIble…No, that’s not it…hmm…

Just like trying to get my childhood ear licked by my grandma’s dog so too we often spend much of our life trying to get our ears licked by dogs…no, that’s not right either…

Turns out there’s no metaphor or illustration here…turns out my grandma was just a bit crazy and my sisters and I looked just a bit awkward.

8 Reasons Why Steroids are Bad

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Here are my top eight reasons why taking steroids sucks:

  1. ‘Roid rage. Steroids opened up in me anger that I’ve never experienced before. I could get mad at a fork if it didn’t make it to my mouth correctly…and thats no lie.
  2. Backne (as in back acne). I felt like I was in Jr. High again with my whole back, chest, and arms covered in acne! Good thing I’m not much of a swimmer ’cause all the girls would have made fun of me.
  3. Lies. Anyone who told you that if you took steroids you’d be better at sports lied. I’m not better at sports and I’m not stronger and as a matter of fact I think I’m worse at sports now than I was before my steroids. Needless to say I blame all of this on the ‘roids.
  4. Insomnia. Gone are the days of going to sleep at 1am and waking up at 4am everyday. While I do miss those quiet mornings (terribly actually) I don’t miss the lack of sleep.
  5. Water Weight. I’ve got chubby arm pits right now. Did you even know you can get chubby arm pits? It’s due to my body going off steroids, ‘roids cause your body to retain water in strange ways, for me this included asymmetrical chubby pits.
  6. Swelling. This is probably an extension of the water weight, but the swelling that happened in my face was creepy. In a matter of minutes I’d go from normal Ryan to Swollen-Faced-Ryan. It would happen almost immediately and could last for minutes or days. Not cool.
  7. Headaches. The day that I was finally off steroids was the day that my headaches began. For ten straight days I had pounding, debilitating headaches. They’d last from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep. For the first few days no cocktail of Vicodin or Ibiprofin would help and I’d just pound my head agains the wall waiting for relief.
  8. Foot Cheese. That’s right, I said it. While on steroids the bottom of my feet started to sluff off every day. Every day a whole layer of skin on the bottoms of my feet would just crumble off…it was gross…and messy…and would have been painful had I been able to feel my feet.

Beware of The Dreaded Cripple Couple

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When Jess first got dreads about four years ago it caught us by surprise how it changed our lives. Maybe it surprised us because her reasoning for getting dreadlocks wasn’t to make some point, wasn’t to stand out, it wasn’t for any big reason except that it sounded fun and we thought they looked beautiful (and I selfishly loved the idea of having a wife never pay for a haircut or hair product again!). Besides the fact that people used to ask her for weed all the time (strangely they’ve stopped…why is that?) we started to notice that people remembered us. We’d go into a restaurant for the second time and they’d remember our order from the first. Hostesses would say things like “hey, its really good to see y’all again”. We found ourselves racking our brains trying to figure out if we knew her from somewhere…and then it hit us! Oh, Jess is that white girl with dreads! We’re the dreaded couple! Talk about accountability! You leave a bad tip…dreaded couple. You say something rude…dreaded couple. It really was a great thing ’cause we made friends with many restaurant and store employees simple because they remembered Jess’ freakish hair. We’ve come to love it really.

But now its even worse (better?)! Whereas Jess has gotten used to people turning heads and whispering about her (its a really strange thing to observe) now I find myself experiencing the same thing because of my forearm crutch and awkward walking. I wouldn’t think that I’m much of a spectacle but apparently I am. People like watching me. Maybe its pity, maybe its the sound of my foot slapping the ground, or maybe its that there’s this slight hope that they might see me fall. I like to think its because I’ve been shaving my face more often and they’re impressed with my handsome look.

People like to hold the door for me now, even automatic doors get spread wide open for lil’ ol’ me. People clear lanes at grocery stores like Moses parting the Red Sea so that lil’ ol’ me can pass through unscathed. People turn heads, slow down, and pause what they’re doing to watch me. Its awkward. Sometimes I’m grateful for the door and the open lanes whereas other times I just want to scream “My arms still work! I can open doors!” Regardless, while I’m not quite as memorable as the dreaded hippie, I’ve become quite the sight I guess and it’s been a strange adjustment.

But here’s what it comes down to. Math. Go ahead, lets do a little math…

Dreaded white mama + Awkward limping cripple = The Dreaded Cripple Couple

Dreaded Cripple C0uple > What’s on my tray at Burgerville

Coming to a store near you. Watch out for us! We tend to order tacos and taquitos at Baja Fresh, the Fred Meyer’s produce selection tends to draw our favor, and yes we do enjoy self check out when available! Beware of our penchant for drinking too much coffee at Mon Ami and eating too many french macaroons from Je T’aime bakery on Main. If you ask us for weed we won’t have any…because the reality is that under the striking and shocking hair/bum leg combo we’re just a couple of recovering homeschoolers who grew up in an old school traditional church context with the most average names possible in suburban Vantucky who like to watch 30 Rock on Hulu ’cause we don’t have a TV who likes to read books and hang out with friends over board games and good food…and who apparently DON NOT use commas in their run-on sentences!

Even still we do sometimes bite. So beware of the Dreaded Cripple Couple. Ha!*

* I don’t know if you can tell but I’m really having fun writing this. As an awkward and scrawny kid that’s always tried to find a way to blend in this is the most ironic twist of fate in my adulthood and I think its really funny and most fascinating!

Brought to Tears…Awkwardly…

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I can honestly say (I think) that my wife and I show compassion to people. But I can also honestly say (I think) that we’re also a little like automaton droids who have no feelings. I have no feelings because I’m an even tempered guy who seeks to cultivate peace in his surroundings–essentially, extremes are avoided and an easy going or laid back emotional response to things is safe and manageable. Jess is more of a pleasure seeker as a person, generally trying to enjoy the good life and avoiding painful stuff. This leads both of us toward a path of not often experiencing extreme emotions (I should say here that I’m actually more thinking about negative emotions…crying I should say.)

So for me to turn into a crier over the last 48 hours has been awkward and humorous all at the same time. I can’t stop tearing up. About everything. Insignificant things. Dumb things. Funny things. Touching things.

Here’s a list off the top of my head of what’s brought tears to my eyes over the last 48 hours. Oh, and let me preface this by saying that this is an awesome and completely honest list:

  • X-Men 2 the movie
  • Listening to Edwin Mccain sing “I’ll be”
  • Listening to Enrique Iglesias sing “I can be your hero baby”
  • Emails where people tell me they’re praying for me
  • Reading some of Jesus’ words this morning
  • Watching Law and Order
  • Telling my wife that I teared up while watching X-Men
  • Journaling this morning
  • Reading about people’s plans to pray for me during the surgery
  • Writing this list

I blame my ‘roid rage.