Category Archives: Awkward

Hey Trigonometry…you're a tool

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I realized this morning that I tend to mock things that I don’t understand. This realization wasn’t a joke, it was a genuine awareness that when I don’t really “get” something I somehow end up mocking it. Uber conservatism is an example. I don’t really get why/how people believe that stuff and therefore end up making jokes about it. It’s a bad habit, a destructive habit, and a potentially hurtful habit. I should stop. And I will. Tomorrow.

But sometimes, I realized, it can be a pretty funny habit. What if I started mocking everything I didn’t understand… literally everything…including trigonometry or organic chemistry. So without further adieu here’s my first “I’m Mocking You Because I Don’t Understand You” list:

  1. Hey music theory, why don’t you find something better and more productive to do. Notes are for telling people thank you. Loser.
  2. Hey laser pens, yeah thanks a lot for helping me to point at my Powerpoint slide show. I only wish there was another easier way to do it…oh wait, I have a finger.
  3. Hey you, cellular technology, thanks for the radiation in my ear lobes.
  4. Black and white, are you colors? Are you the absence of colors? Or what? I may not know exactly what you are, but I’m pretty sure you’re boring. Go hang out with purple and learn to have a good time.
  5. Hey Dow Jones…who are you and why did you eat all of America’s jobs? Hungry? Try a hot pocket next time. Dow Jones jerk.
  6. Dear Colin Powell, why isn’t your name Collin? Thats kind of weird, maybe you should stop being weird. Weirdo.
  7. Hey there Ugh boots, you’re Ugh-ly. You make me want to Ugh-chuck my dinner.

My Personal Top 20 Rap Names of the Twenty-Seventh Century

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Do you ever feel like you’re taking crazy pills? Seriously, I feel like I’m so out of the loop on this one that I must be nuts. If I called myself P diddy, Snoop Dogg, Ice Cube, or Gnarles Barkley and tried to be cool or tough or bad ass or whatever…I’d accomplish none of those feats. Those aren’t bad ass names! Those are kiddie names. Right? Am I crazy? Even if you’re holding a gun I’m going to have a hard time fearing you if you call yourself “Snoopy”, “Charlie Brown”, or “Pigpen”. I’m just sayin’.

And what about the redundancy of the hip-hop scene? While I am fully aware that switching a “K” for a “C” is fun, and while I know that a “$” is always better than an “s” at some point don’t the people within the hip hop scene start to observe the awkwardness of over usage?! We can all spell our names wrong on purpose in silly and interesting ways but it doesn’t make it creative or new. I could call myself “Rye Anne” and probably be quickly accepted within the hip hop community. But “Rye Anne” is kind of a stupid name.

If this is the norm that the hip hop/rap community has accepted, if this is the game they have decided to play, then I’m going to give it a go. I give complete permission to any budding star to use the names I suggest below.

  1. Sir Ca$h
  2. Cilla’ (No, that’s not Spanish. It’s “killer” with the “k” switched to a “c” and an “a” and apostrophe replacing the “er”)
  3. Gnotty Pippen
  4. 2-D (like the girl from Facts of Life or as in two dimensional…which just so happens to be how my rhymes are going to smack your face)
  5. Ice Latte
  6. Ice Cream
  7. Cream
  8. TMWGMDCIHG (it could stand for something like “The Man Won’t Get Me Down ‘Cause I Have a Gun”
  9. 50 Gigs (pronounced “fiddy gigs”)
  10. Toast Master Deluxe
  11. Deluxe Master Toast
  12. Master Deluxe Toast
  13. Toasty Deluxe
  14. Little Bill (or lil’ Bill)
  15. Doc Chicken
  16. Mick E. and the Gang Haulas
  17. Hypocritz
  18. Boossta
  19. McPickle and the Pickle Gang
  20. Fryd
  21. €lvira (Yes, that’s the Euro sign. How awesome and bad ass is a Euro symbol instead of an E?”
  22. Christian Bale

While I realize that this rap and hip hop is all about the musik and all that jazz…but…I mean…come on! Can’t you still call something goofy and/or redundant when it is! Ke$ha? Lil’ Wayne? T-Pain? Gnarles Barkley? Ice Cube? McPickle and the Pickle Gang? Those are like kiddie playground names, and they’re…well…they’re just redundant in the hip-hop/rap scene. It’s time we all try to be as innovative as Eminem and spell out our initials.

Sincerely,

Arghdubbleyou