Category Archives: Cancer

F&$%ing Ironic!

Posted on by
4

Alanis Morissette’s got nuthin’ on me. She wants to talk about irony? A traffic jam when you’re already late? Not so ironic unless you happen to be a city planner. Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife? Maybe if you just cleaned out your kitchen and threw away all your knives. Meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his wife? Nope, not so ironic unless you happen to have just had your spouse cheat on you. Yeah, Alanis didn’t really get irony. But I think I’m starting to get it.

Oh the irony. Let me see if I can’t capture it a bit…

We’ve started a movement marked by the phrase “we’re inviting people to die to self in order to live for their neighbor” and now in a great ironical twist we are seeing the emergence of this movement in our neighborhood in the midst of literal death. Jess and I have lived our lives (at least the last five to six years) to this end, learning, growing, and pushing ourselves toward this way of life only to see (potentially) it happen without us.* We’ve attempted to see an experimental community that is willing to love in radical ways, willing to respond to the needs of those around them in sacrificial ways which demands first a posture of hospitality and listening, we’ve always accidentally been on the front edge of innovating and thinking through new ideas and realities…and now…ironically, we find ourselves once again guinea pigs to our own experiments. Ironically we’re not the ones being able to love others but are instead are being overwhelmed with love, with people responding in creative ways, and with people trying to figure out how in the hell you show hospitality to a family whose only commodity is their precious time. Oh the irony of it all! I could go on…the list gets quite long…but ironically I prefer shorter blogs.

This is just too effing ironic isn’t it?! I mean, come on! Alanis, you’ve got more skills than I, but you didn’t really get the whole irony thing. Let me take a stab…

And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think

It’s like getting cancer when you’ve got no family history

It’s starting a movement about metaphorical death then you end up dying

It’s the idea of inviting others to love your neighbor only to be loved yourself

Who would’ve thought…it figures

Like my previous blog post attempts to capture, what’s emerging in our neighborhood is amazing and beautiful (and I didn’t even write or share about what is happening amongst the amazing co-conspirators who are shaping the Grassroots Conspiracy movement!) But seriously…it is incredibly ironic…painfully ironic…humorously ironic…annoyingly ironic…oh the irony.

 

* Again, don’t get too caught up in the freedom in talking about death. I prefer to speak as if death is the reality (because medically it is) while keeping hope that Jesus will bring an alternative reality. Also while Jess will still be a part in whatever ways she wants or is able, it will nevermore be ‘us’ insomuch as we’ve been partners in most everything we do.

VIDEO: Sifting at Exponential

Posted on by
5

Jess and I spent an amazing couple of days in Orlando, Florida at the annual Exponential Conference. To be perfectly honest, Jess and I don’t belong very well in many circles. We kind of fit in the church planting community (in other words we start new churches) but the manner in which we’re going about things does not lend itself to a complete match. We kind of fit in the non-profit neighborhood development world but the spiritual bent that we bring to it does not lend itself to a complete match. We’re a part of the Christian community but we don’t go to church. Jess fits the urban hippie community but the reality is that we’re recovering homeschoolers. We can’t be a part of the homeschooler community for oh so many reasons that I won’t go into here. We just don’t fit in any box very well and it can be down right frustrating. BUT…BUT…going to this conference every other year always brings blessing. It’s a good scene, filled with good people and good books (what more do I need?) This year, especially, the content was inspiring. Instead of talking about how to start new churches (which is a good thing to talk about) they instead focused on how to be the right kind of person who is able to start new churches. In other words, the focus was on the being more than on the doing. And I like that. It’s less about being a rockstar pastor and more about being Jesus-filed lover of people, a good husband, and a loving dad.

Well, within that vein they asked me to briefly share a word from my story to start off the conference. I asked my mom to record it (Oops! Bad idea to ask the woman who birthed you to record a video with a steady hand while her son talks about his death! Cruel cruel request)

I’m hesitant to post this video for a few reasons:

  • It reminds me of the 50lbs I’ve gained over the last 9 months
  • It annoys me to see my wife just sitting there as a gorgeous prop when I know she’s got tons to say…more to say than what came out of my mouth and probably more articulately.
  • It reminds me of the fact that when I got up there I completely forgot everything I wanted to say…and I hate that.
  • It reminds me that I actually got nervous…I rarely get nervous! I hate getting nervous!

Here’s why I am posting it:

At the end there are five thousand people raising their hands in solidarity with my family praying for my healing. The amazing thing is that each of those pairs of hands represents a different faith community from all over the United States. IF God does not choose to bring healing it ain’t gonna be because we didn’t bug the hell out of him! That’s for sure! It gives me great confidence that if I die I can rest assured that it was not without a fight–both on the spiritual level, the medical level, relationally, medically, metaphysically, emotionally…and whatever other -ally is available.

Thank you Exponential folk for letting me play this small part. Thank you for supporting my wife and I. Thank you for everything! I hope that whatever happened to bumble out of my mouth was both beneficial and generative as we all committed together to be honest about our sifting and how it is shaping both us, our families, our churches, and the faith communities that do not yet exist.

peace.

Blaming God for Cancer

Posted on by
84

One of the questions I often get is “do you blame God for making you sick?” My quick and easy (for me) response is “no, not at all.” I don’t blame God for making me sick, I don’t think he made me sick, and as a matter of fact I think he’s equally sad as I am that I’m sick.

Hold on.

Before I dig deeper here let me make sure you’re fully aware that in no way am I going to make an argument defending God, defending the idea that if God has the ability to heal me and does not he is somehow culpable and guilty of killing me, etc. Some of you are raising your hands, shaking your fists, and demanding that God be put on trial (rightfully so maybe). Others of you are standing up, shaking your fists, and are making a list of bullet points to absolutely prove why God is just in killing me ’cause he’s teaching me a lesson (or disciplining me or what have you). Well let me say that I’m not going to please any of you because first off I don’t want to attempt to articulately figure all this out. Secondly I don’t believe that it’s my job to defend God. He can do that himself if he so desires. Thirdly, I don’t know if I’m able to make an adequate argument.

So.

I don’t believe that God made me sick. One of my most foundational beliefs, something that everything else builds off of is that God is good. The clearest picture I have of who God is, is in Jesus. My belief is that when I see Jesus I am seeing God. Therefore if I want to know how God feels about sickness I look at Jesus. If I want to know what God thinks about humanity I look at Jesus. If I want to know what God would do at a party I look at Jesus. If I want to know about God one of the most clear ways is to look at Jesus…’cause they’re kinda one and the same. When I look at Jesus I see a guy who grieved over the brokenness of the world, who wept over death (to the point that he occasionally reversed it), and who didn’t seem to be satisfied with sickness (and healed accordingly).

Cancer is a reminder that this world is utterly broken. Things have spiraled out of control and continue to do so. War, hatred, sickness, disease, addiction, abuse, lust, and greed (among so many other things) fight to control our world and transform it into what it was never intended to be. These things, as we experience them, remind us that things are not as they should be, things are not right! And in no way do I have space to believe that God is the culprit. Nope. Instead, my belief is that God is the source of all things good, of love, of hope, of peace, of beauty, of sex, of joy, of kindness, of generosity, of gentleness, and of fresh organic strawberries. Those things come from God because that is who God is–he is good. Cancer is not one of those things. It does not come from God. Cancer is in opposition to God–hell on earth, if you will. God hates cancer because it is in opposition to what he is all about: life.

So do I blame God for my cancer? Absolutely not.

The question, though, that we’re all obviously stuck asking is “But God, why don’t you heal me of it?” If he is able to heal me and does not isn’t he still equally culpable? Let me throw out some random thoughts here. This isn’t an attempt to defend things fully, but rather a random collection of my own musings about this question that obviously plagues me from time to time…

  • At some point every single person is going to not be healed. What I mean is that even if I get healed now, at some point I won’t be…’cause at some point I’m going to be deader than dead. Whether it’s now or later it’s gonna happen. Healing is the ultimate bandaid, it’s only temporary.
  • I have absolutely no idea why one person gets healed and another doesn’t. I want to know why my friends eight year old daughter didn’t get healed from the same cancer that I have. Of all people little Hadley deserved to be healed–more than me and more than you. She was innocent and beautiful in every single way; she deserved healing. But she didn’t get it. And I don’t know why. If Hadley wasn’t healed why should I think that I deserve to be healed? Most likely…it has nothing to do with deserving it…right?
  • I feel complete freedom to be pissed at God, to tell him what I think. I’m pretty sure God can handle my anger. Just because I don’t blame doesn’t mean that I’m not mad that I haven’t been healed yet. There are certain things where anger is a completely appropriate response…and I think cancer can be one of them. And in no way whatsoever do I think that God gets mad if I express anger. Actually, as a matter of fact, I tend to think that God is pleased (maybe not the best word choice) when I am angry about things that he’s also probably angry about!
  • I try to realize and remember that I don’t know jack. I mean, seriously, what kind of perspective do I have in the big scheme of things? I think about my kids at Disneyland. They kept wanting to buy those big giant suckers that look really cool. But the thing is, they taste like crap and my kids hate them. Every time they buy one of them they regret it and wish they had bought something else. I know better than them. I do. I’ve got more perspective, I’ve got a better memory, I have more information…I just know better. I’m the dad. Ok, maybe that’s not the best illustration, but the idea that God knows better is important to me because if he truly is good (as my foundational assumption tells me he is) then I can trust that he’s not trying to screw me or those I love over. All of his activity is first and foremost motivated by love. always. (more than I can say for myself as a father or any other dads I know).
  • In his time on earth Jesus didn’t heal everybody. We read some of the spectacular stories of him healing somebody while ignoring the fact that he stepped over one cripple to get to another who then walked away on his own two feet. At times it had to do with the request made by the individual–but the reality is that there were many in Jerusalem and the surrounding area who remained sick, who stayed dead, and who Jesus did not heal. I don’t know why. But it’s true. And don’t tell me that it’s just a matter of faith. Don’t tell me that the only reason some were not healed was because they lacked faith–try reading the rest of the Bible and tell me that Stephen, James, and every single other apostle and leader and follower of Jesus lacked faith ’cause guess what? They all died! Some of them even brutally and tragically!
No, God never made a promise to heal me. I hope he does and I’m going to bug the hell out of him asking him to do so. But he didn’t make that promise. He promised me that I’ll always be loved. He promised me a new body that doesn’t suck. He promised me a restored world that isn’t broken. He promised me that I’m created in his perfect image. And he promised me that he’s faithful and will keep his promises. And he chose to let himself die to prove it.
Why do I not blame God? I guess it’s because over the years I’ve come to trust him. If you’re new to faith or the idea of faith I wouldn’t expect you to trust him like that necessarily. Trust is earned right? But I hope that my story, as your seeing it lived out, is inviting you to give him a chance. Let Jesus grow on you a bit and see if he doesn’t earn your trust eventually. It’s a scary thing to open yourself up like that, but it just might be worth it.

Three Months and Counting

Posted on by
207

Three to six months. Medically speaking this is what the doctor’s giving me to live. The three month mark is what she gives me if my new treatment doesn’t work. Actually, let me clarify a bit: three to six months are not actually my life expectancy exactly, it’s more that within three to six months we can assume that my tumor will grow in extensive ways leading to major paralysis and eventual death. When we asked her if this new treatment could reverse things and kill the cancer she plainly said “No it won’t get rid of the cancer, but it can stop future growth”…not quite what we hoped to hear! We were hoping that this new treatment would wipe out this cancer once for all!

Our doctor is amazing, she’s honest with us, gives us as much info as we’re can handle, and she’s a kind person. By the end of our appointment yesterday she had cried with us (something she does not do with patients!) and she gave us a wad of cash to pay for a motorized wheelchair for our next Disneyland trip. She also spoke boldly of the two miracles that she’s seen happen in her office and how she’s eager to see a third. I’d love to make her happy. Miracles do happen…just not as often as we want…but they happen.

Three months. Ninety days. That means that every nine days could be a tenth of my life.

1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…

It leaves me speechless.

I’ll write a better blog tomorrow. I’ve got some ideas ruminating that I’d like to share. My kids have some precious words that need to be shared. But for now I’m genuinely struck speechless by the idea that every week and a half I’m (medically speaking!) a tenth closer to being done…or worse yet, my wife is a tenth of the way closer to being alone. Shit.

How To Help

Posted on by
3

(As things change I will continue to update this blog post. So below there have been added a number of new bullet points capturing a few alternative options to be involved.)

I’ve just added a new tab to the top of the blog that reads “How to Help“. So many people have asked this question or have been asked it by others that in a random moment of clarity I thought “Hmm, maybe I should post a written response…” Revolutionary right?

Many people have asked how they can help our family and/or support Grassroots Conspiracy financially. Let me do my best to give you a few options:

  • To help fund our trip to Disneyland (that just happened, is going to happen again, and is still being paid for) you can make a tax deductible donation via paypal. Send money to troywagner@mac.com and mark it as a gift for Ryan Woods.
  • To setup monthly tax deductible donations that supports our work in leading Grassroots Conspiracy you can go here: http://su.pr/1VwRyQ
  • To send money or checks that support our work in leading Grassroots Conspiracy you can mail a check written to “Renovatus” and earmarked for Ryan Woods or Grassroots Conspiracy to PO Box 873575 Vancouver, WA 98687
  • To donate monies that go directly toward our medical expenses you can deposit money through any Columbia Credit Union bank via account number: 444289
  • Another way to donate monies that go directly to our medical expenses is to send money via paypal to jonesandindia@gmail.com
Here are a few alternative ways to support our family:
  • Help us tell our story. Forward people to my blog, invite them to follow the posts concerning cancer, and invite people to sign up for our Downtown Dispatch.
  • While my future health is unknown a group still intends to move forward with (what will become) our annual Summer fundraiser. Last year on July 17th hundreds of people showed up at Pop Culture to support our family via live music, raffles, and donations. It was overwhelmingly beautiful. The idea is that this fundraiser will happen each year with or without me, with all proceeds going toward an appropriate destination. Please anticipate this event with us!
  • As other events and fundraisers develop I will add them to this page. At this point a local restaurant is hosting one on April 29th. To find out more visit the facebook info page: http://su.pr/4KxeYP
  • We are still trying to figure out what helpful meals and housework will look like in our current context. As this develops we will provide contact info here.
I know I have just provided too many options and most likely convoluted things a bit! The reality however is that it all ends up in the same place regardless of what method you use. Especially if things are nearing the end as the doctors say that they are, the lines between medical expenses, special trips with the family, and part-time salary wages from the church are becoming more and more blurry.
Please feel free to contact me with questions if you need clarity or further information. Email is preferred: ryan@gr-c.org