Category Archives: funny

Brought to Tears…Awkwardly…

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I can honestly say (I think) that my wife and I show compassion to people. But I can also honestly say (I think) that we’re also a little like automaton droids who have no feelings. I have no feelings because I’m an even tempered guy who seeks to cultivate peace in his surroundings–essentially, extremes are avoided and an easy going or laid back emotional response to things is safe and manageable. Jess is more of a pleasure seeker as a person, generally trying to enjoy the good life and avoiding painful stuff. This leads both of us toward a path of not often experiencing extreme emotions (I should say here that I’m actually more thinking about negative emotions…crying I should say.)

So for me to turn into a crier over the last 48 hours has been awkward and humorous all at the same time. I can’t stop tearing up. About everything. Insignificant things. Dumb things. Funny things. Touching things.

Here’s a list off the top of my head of what’s brought tears to my eyes over the last 48 hours. Oh, and let me preface this by saying that this is an awesome and completely honest list:

  • X-Men 2 the movie
  • Listening to Edwin Mccain sing “I’ll be”
  • Listening to Enrique Iglesias sing “I can be your hero baby”
  • Emails where people tell me they’re praying for me
  • Reading some of Jesus’ words this morning
  • Watching Law and Order
  • Telling my wife that I teared up while watching X-Men
  • Journaling this morning
  • Reading about people’s plans to pray for me during the surgery
  • Writing this list

I blame my ‘roid rage.

A 3am Poem About Vomit

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(I just finished writing this poem for our housemates. It’s about 3am and I’m going to bed. Please don’t judge my grammar or rhyming capabilities. And please also note that our poems are always a joke…though this one was written out of pain and misery)

Vomit, vomit everywhere but not a drop to drink

Spewed from a top bunk loft it couldn’t be too bad one might think.

But that thought would be wrong.

From top bunk mattress to the bottom bunk

not one, two, three, but six blankets now carry the distinct funk

A rocking chair, a folded pack ‘n play,

a chest of drawers, what else can we say?

Lots.

Between the box springs and all over his body,

under the bed, up the walls—oh, if only this were potty.

But it’s not.

It’s barf, barf-o-rama, barf on his pajama(s)

It smells of sweet curds rotten to hell

it looks of old spaghetti, the story of Easter it does tell

Did we mention it went up three different walls?

The final vomit is one of metaphor

A vomit of vocals a little girl had in store

Screaming and crying, her stomach does hurt

Take her to the ER? I’d rather eat dirt.

It’s now 3am and our bed’s full of kids

We’re headed to Motel six, please make them some crazy pancakes*

Thanks.

 

* Not really, but chances are slim that we’ll be praying with you right now.

 

Why Christian Music Made me Deaf and Ignorant

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My wife teases me because I don’t notice the lyrics to music. We can be listening to the same song and I’ll have no idea what the songs about. Even when I try really hard to listen to the words in a song I find that I’m barely capable of doing so. What’s my problem? Do you know how many times I listened to Kansas’ “Carry on Wayward Son” while I worked at Outback? Do you know how much of that song I can sing? Yeah, it’s a bit pathetic.

For some time I’ve written all of this off on the way my brain takes in and stores information. Music does not in any way aid in my learning, in fact I have a hard time learning anything if music is playing in the background. And while I realize that there’s probably a lot of truth in this, I think I’ve discovered the real core issue. Contemporary Christian music.

I grew up listening to Contemporary Christian Music. Have you listened to it? For every song that makes churchgoers weep (due to its powerful lyrics not it’s terrible melody…though both could be true) there are three songs whose lyrics are painfully cheesy, trite, and shallow. The reason I’m not skilled at hearing the lyrics to music is that I learned early on that the lyrics to music was not worth listening to! Contemporary Christian music made me deaf and ignorant!

Dear contemporary Christian music, I will get you back for what you’ve done to me. Do you realize how many times I’ve sang loudly the wrong lyrics to a song in public? Do you realize that you’ve made karaoke that much more difficult? Do you realize how you’ve hurt my future? Just wait, I’ll get you and I’ll get you where it hurts. Michael W. Smith, I’ve got my eyes on you.

Are you IN love with Jesus? Awkward…

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Lets get this out of the way right up front: I love Jesus. I do. I love worshiping Jesus. I think its good to tell him that I love him. I think its good to remind myself that he loves me too. I do.

But can we be honest for a second and admit that the last ten years of worship music are kind of…awkward. Southpark might be right in saying that all we do is sing love songs to Jesus. I love the moment in that Southpark episode when record label executives try to ask Cartman whether he is actually in love with Jesus.

Music is powerful. It speaks to our soul, it captures our heart, and it captures moments in time and imortalizes them in our collective memories. With regard to worship, however, I think we’ve lost some of its potency. Rarely does it capture us up into a grand narrative, a story bigger than ourselves. Rarely does it inculcate us with the truth of Scripture, rarelycalling us into community or propelling us toward loving our neighbors more fully…what our worship music does is remind us how much we love Jesus.

Too much of a good thing is not good. Maybe we should stop just talking about how much we love Jesus and capture some of our story in song, capture some of our ancient historical story in song, capture truths about God in song, sing songs that invite us to live differently and more graciously in our world…instead…we just tell Jesus that we love him…a lot…

Too much of a good thing? I say yes, and awkwardly so!

Is he dead?

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I refuse to do research to confirm or deny the following allegations. But I’m pretty sure the following famous people have passed away:

  • James Earl Jones–He was seventy-five in Field of Dreams.
  • Willie Nelson–Either he has passed or his hair has…or, it might be that they’re actually the same thing.
  • Ringo Star–Someone tried to convince me with actual evidence that Ringo is still alive. I obviously did not believe them.
  • Dustin Diamond– This is a foregone conclusion. How long can one live without the love of his life?
  • John Matuszak— The only way this guy’s career wouldn’t take off after his star performance in Goonies is if he passed away shortly thereafter.