Category Archives: General

Pledging Allegiance to What?

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I was the son of a preacher man. I was homeschooled. Enough said.

Right?

Today’s my son’s first day at public school and it felt…weird. It was weird because it’s an experience that I don’t really share (I did go to first and second grade…but that was oh so long ago!). It was weird because a part of me feels guilty for shipping him off (homeschooler, remember?). It was weird because my son’s such an odd kid and he was really concerned that his backpack cubby was too far away from his desk and it seemed like too much work to him to have to walk back and forth. It was weird ’cause there were some kids just sobbing at their desk. It was weird ’cause he’s now a part of the system…integrated.

But you want to know what felt the most strange? Walking out of the school to the kids all saying the pledge of allegiance. Isn’t there something strange about our kids reciting the pledge of allegiance?

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Honestly I don’t really want my kid pledging allegiance to a flag or a nation. I’d much rather my kid pledge allegiance to things that last, to things that matter.

al·le·giance

(noun)

1. the loyalty of a citizen to his or her government or of a subject to his or her sovereign.

2. loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause, or the like.

Do I want my kid claiming devotion to America? Really? If you could claim complete devotion to something and insert into your life a daily rhythm in order to support this devotion to what would you choose to devote yourself? Loving your neighbor? Being a faithful spouse? Devotion to God? Devotion to peace, unity, generosity? Devotion to America…

So…

Stand up–as if you’re ready to take action, poised and prepared to follow through with the committment you’re about to make

Stand in unity–stand amongst friends, co-workers, classmates because if we’re going to stand for something we’re better off standing together

Place your hand on your heart–as a symbol of the unification of your heart which represents your core inner identity and your hands which represent the actions that result from your personhood

Pledge devotion–to something, to someone, to some idea. But mean it. Live it. Love it. Die for it.

Some will choose flag and country others will choose anarchy…but we should all choose…shouldn’t we?

To be honest I bet Jones was completely confused by the whole thing. I’m imagining a silly look on his face begging the question “what the heck are we doing?” The kid questions everything and doesn’t let anything slide…crazy kid. I hope he enjoys his first day at school.

Ninety-Nine Thank You's…and yet still not enough

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It’s time I said thanks to a few of you…

  1. Thanks Nancy for the balloon you brought to the hospital while I was in surgery. Every kid that visited me played with it (no joke)
  2. Thanks Amy for buying my family really good pizza the night before the surgery. The Meaty Beatty Big and Bouncy was a great way to head into a pre-surgery fast.
  3. Thank you Erika for coordinating meals so amazingly
  4. Thank you Patty for helping to keep our house from being gross. You practically killed the cancer by yourself (if it’s actually gone)
  5. Thanks Jon and Leandra for dinner!
  6. Thanks Debbie for not only bringing dinner but all sorts of other goodies
  7. Thank you Gina for depositing money into my bank and for helping with laundry
  8. Thank you Wintermute for the Bible. I’ll be eagerly waiting to see you next year.
  9. Thank you Josie for writing me a funny joke. I like jokes.
  10. Thanks Compass, Paul, and others for the night of prayer prior to surgery
  11. Thanks Aaron and Brittany for the ICU thai food. I wasn’t supposed to be on solid food yet…but it was worth it
  12. Thank you Renovatus kids and teens for the cards
  13. Thank you Carson for always going above and beyond when there’s a large something to draw on.
  14. Thanks Mom for keeping my garden, my children, and my wife alive during all this
  15. Thanks Luke and Marie for the delicious food!
  16. Thank you Granbergs for your leadership and mentoring in prayer
  17. Thank you Anni and Mo for the fund raiser. What a humbling and fun night
  18. Thank you Pepper for the book
  19. Thanks Sherilee for caring for my wife and keeping my house from being gross
  20. Thanks Matt, Tim, and Christie for the movies. When your awake at 4am what else are you supposed to do (besides write blogs and cry by yourself at times!)
  21. Thanks Graham fam for being present and available and for getting things done.
  22. Thanks for the pot of flowers Robbie and Chrissie…they only just died yesterday!
  23. Thanks to Karl, Sunrise, Emily, Phil, Erika, Ken, Laura, and others who were there during surgery even if I never saw you.
  24. Thanks Sam (Arslanian) for the robot drawing. My kids like robots too.
  25. Thank you Kathy for brining us flowers from your garden. You know we’re jealous of your edible and beautiful landscape
  26. Thanks Paul for watering my garden that one morning
  27. Thank you Rebecca for teaching me how to use my medicine!
  28. Thanks aunt Tina for giving me advice on getting my catheter ripped out
  29. Thanks Jill for so much, but especially the Wine Dogs…so incredibly strange and cathartic
  30. Thank you Federal Way cronies for the quilts (my son sleeps with his every night)
  31. Thanks for the milk shake Brandon
  32. Thanks Achterbosch’s for letting me watch some basketball and for all the great food you’ve provided
  33. Thanks Gina for the random Ice Cream Renaissance
  34. Thanks to Mo, Kate, Dwayne, Levi et al for all the little coffee and food surprises
  35. Thanks aunt Dee for the book but more especially for the trinkets for the kids
  36. Thanks downtown Ashely for secretly dropping off a card at the house. It was great to see turn up
  37. Thanks Anni and Kayli for the good food and creepy card
  38. Thanks to the mysterious person who decorated and wrote messages around our house when we came home from surgery. I still don’t know who you are!
  39. Thanks Mark for fixing our stair rail. I haven’t fallen yet.
  40. Thank you Rebecca for the concern and initiating prayer
  41. Thanks Katie for being one of kid’s favorite friends and for spending time just chillin’ at our house
  42. Thanks to the quilting aunts and Grandma for the prayer filled gifts
  43. Thanks Roy for fixing things ’round the house and giving us your wife all too often
  44. Thanks Sherk crew for weeding the backyard
  45. Thank you Brandon and Angela…too much to say here, but you care for so many people!
  46. Thanks Kim and crew for helping to clean the house
  47. Thanks Valentas for bringing over dinner (you can bring the same meal again if you want…and if you’re capable)
  48. Thanks Brittany and Monica for the pampering you gave to my wife
  49. Matt and Oso thank you for making the community meals work
  50. Thank you Chris and Trudi for the frozen meals. Seriously best vegetarian lasagna I’ve ever had. No joke.
  51. Thanks Sarah and Aram for the gf cookies
  52. Thanks Hope for being a last minute baby sitter and loving our kids so well
  53. Thanks to Kristy et. al for the amazing anniversary gifts and surprises
  54. Thanks to Melody and Jill for the massages
  55. Thanks Ben and Steve for giving me my first taste of good scotch prior to surgery
  56. Thanks Anni for the inspiring art over the last week (co-shout out to F&33rd)
  57. Thanks Sunrise for the great conversations via email and even occasionally in person (oh yeah…and for OMSI!)
  58. Thanks Matt for coordinating a hot date for my wife and i
  59. Thanks Sam for always coming over on Sunday’s to play with my ding dong
  60. Thanks Brittany for cleaning our house every week. You were awesome.
  61. Thank you Lynelle for checking in, for showing up even when we’re not home, and for your compassion.
  62. Thanks Rachel, Lincoln’s Beard, Beth, Jill, Jenney, Pepper, and so many others who donated things for the silent auction. Your art, creativity, and generosity inspire me
  63. Thanks for the Pok Pok Mo Mo
  64. Thanks for to Danny and Rachel and Sarah for all the Baja Fresh hook ups.
  65. Thanks Patty for the water hookup for the meals (that gf pizza was amazing!) and everything else
  66. Thanks Arnada Community Meal people for always leaving my kitchen clean during all of this…you don’t realize how much of a gift this is
  67. Thanks Aram for being a courier–you don’t realize how stress free and freeing it has been
  68. Thanks Sherilee for catching me
  69. Thanks Jenny for your poetry and your potted plants (that are still alive)
  70. Thanks Kileah for the milk and for bringing in food during surgery
  71. Thanks Brent for extending your stay longer just so you could be around during surgery
  72. Thanks Mo, Bridget, Cheryl and whomever else was a part of getting my wife in that spa
  73. Thanks Kevin for just happening to be there the morning of
  74. Thanks Grandma for teaching me about generosity
  75. Thanks Ken and Dody for dinner and for making sure we’re always able to pay our bills
  76. Thanks for the wine Mav and Niccole…especially the part where you drank it with us
  77. Thanks Grandma, uncle Greg, Dee (were there others?) for hanging out with me at one of my biggest moments (cath free!)
  78. Thanks Cheryl for taking over the Compassion Vancouver duties–what a relief!
  79. Thanks Mav and Niccole for being easy and available…such a blessing.
  80. Thanks Kris and Jim for bringing us vegetables (and those figs!)
  81. Thanks Liesl for dinner
  82. Thanks for the wings Ethan (OK, so it hasn’t happened yet…but it will)
  83. Thanks Toree for accompanying me to my new rehab gig with a milk shake in hand
  84. Thanks Aaron and Bekah for the frostee and to Chris for the milk shake…y’all didn’t know but I had just found out I was dying of cancer
  85. Thanks Oso for surprising us with coffee and thanks to Dwayne for making it happen
  86. Thanks James and Andrea for bringing multiple trips of stuff over from the house to the hospital
  87. Thanks Steve and Marlette for the surprise ice cream and the standard Youskyme
  88. Thanks Mo for making me cry all too often
  89. Thank you Ruth for the book. Can’t wait to read it!
  90. Thanks Danny and Rachel for helping with the kids and having us over for dinner too
  91. Thanks Steve for checking on me all the time, giving me rides, and being a good friend.
  92. Thanks Arwen for keeping my wife company at just the right times
  93. Thanks Jay for the Safeway hook up
  94. Thanks Nina for the shoes and backpack. This might be the most practical and necessary gift along the way. What a lifesaver
  95. Thanks Chris and Christie for bringing pancakes and turkey bacon over
  96. Thanks LaRae for the kind card and gift
  97. Thanks Jurgen and Azriel for moving the couch (harder than anticipated eh?)
  98. Thanks John and Brent for going bald in solidarity with me…sorry I didn’t go bald in solidarity with you.
  99. Thanks Mo, Dwayne, Kate, Levi, and Sarah for the hilarious picture that’s now sitting all around downtown. I don’t care if it brings in a dime…the picture is amazing.
I’m sure I’m only missing about fifty other people to thank. There are huge things I’m spacing right now and there are seemingly minuscule things that are missing from the list. From huge to small y’alls gifts and thoughts and generosity have been stupid amazing. We still have no idea what future prognosis await us…but at least I am confident with who stands beside us regardless of our future. We love you all. (in the time its taken me to write this final paragraph I’ve already thought of six more things that should be on this list! Because I like the whole ’99’ thing I’m not going to add them and just assume that this list will and should always be undone and incomplete. There WILL always be another person to thank…and for that I’m thankful!)

8 Reasons Why Steroids are Bad

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Here are my top eight reasons why taking steroids sucks:

  1. ‘Roid rage. Steroids opened up in me anger that I’ve never experienced before. I could get mad at a fork if it didn’t make it to my mouth correctly…and thats no lie.
  2. Backne (as in back acne). I felt like I was in Jr. High again with my whole back, chest, and arms covered in acne! Good thing I’m not much of a swimmer ’cause all the girls would have made fun of me.
  3. Lies. Anyone who told you that if you took steroids you’d be better at sports lied. I’m not better at sports and I’m not stronger and as a matter of fact I think I’m worse at sports now than I was before my steroids. Needless to say I blame all of this on the ‘roids.
  4. Insomnia. Gone are the days of going to sleep at 1am and waking up at 4am everyday. While I do miss those quiet mornings (terribly actually) I don’t miss the lack of sleep.
  5. Water Weight. I’ve got chubby arm pits right now. Did you even know you can get chubby arm pits? It’s due to my body going off steroids, ‘roids cause your body to retain water in strange ways, for me this included asymmetrical chubby pits.
  6. Swelling. This is probably an extension of the water weight, but the swelling that happened in my face was creepy. In a matter of minutes I’d go from normal Ryan to Swollen-Faced-Ryan. It would happen almost immediately and could last for minutes or days. Not cool.
  7. Headaches. The day that I was finally off steroids was the day that my headaches began. For ten straight days I had pounding, debilitating headaches. They’d last from the moment I woke up until I fell asleep. For the first few days no cocktail of Vicodin or Ibiprofin would help and I’d just pound my head agains the wall waiting for relief.
  8. Foot Cheese. That’s right, I said it. While on steroids the bottom of my feet started to sluff off every day. Every day a whole layer of skin on the bottoms of my feet would just crumble off…it was gross…and messy…and would have been painful had I been able to feel my feet.

What am I doing?

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I keep asking myself what I’m doing. Or better yet I keep questioning what should I be doing? Part of me desperately wants to get back to life as normal. And so I have someone drop me off at the coffee shop down the street where I’ve spent way too many hours over the last two years. It feels normal to see old friends and to even to continue making new ones. In an effort to get back to normal the wife and I went out on a double date, I’ve scheduled a meeting or two, and I’ve been trying to frantically catch up on coordinating our second annual Compassion Vancouver event. In an effort to feel normal I try to walk as much as possible, do housework, and play and interact with the kids as normally as I used to. In an effort to get back to normal Jess has scheduled girl time with a couple different lady friends (though there’s never enough time!), we’ve done a couple mini-grocery trips, and run occasional errands. Normal stuff. Everyday life stuff.

But things still aren’t normal. My body still hurts; my back still feels as though there are ropes tying my shoulder blades together. My right side is still paralyzed and doesn’t work right; it cramps and as the day goes on my whole body stiffens and gets difficult and painful to move. I can’t bathe myself, I can’t drive, and can barely make it down the stairs from my bedroom without help. While my extreme emotions are not as extreme as they were even a week ago I still find myself having a short fuse with my wife and children. As a matter of fact the level of emotion in our family swings as quickly and extremely as our kitchen’s swinging door. The children, while early on ecstatic to be back at home with mom and dad quickly realized that life was not normal. Dad can’t play on the floor with them, he can’t pick them up, he can’t put them in bed, and he doesn’t have the same energy level he once did. Jones also knows that dad might have cancer and the thought plagues him. Every day he asks me if the tumor is benign. The kids recognize how stressed mom is, they recognize the burden she’s carrying, and they act up and intensify in order to compensate—and mom and dad have little physical and emotional energy to respond appropriately. We kind of constantly feel like bad parents as we respond in ways contrary to our normal parenting preference or methods. Knowing your parenting badly is a heavy burden to carry isn’t it? So we try to create breaks by having the kids spend time with grandparents—it is a blessing to have grandparents in town! But the kids want to be with us, they should be with us, they need to be with us…and yet we continually ship them off…because things are not normal.

I want them to be normal. I want to better participate in our Sunday Arnada Community Meal, to be available on Monday nights to dream the Grassroots Conspiracy into further reality, and to live into the rhythms that have defined our Community House for the last eight months. But the energy comes in spurts, the kids freak out in flurries, and my mental capacity to process through my schedule still seems off.

At times things feel almost normal. I want things to be normal. But things are not normal. Things can’t be normal. Things can’t be normal because we still have not received results from the Mayo Clinic. They told us that we should hear in the next couple of days. Of course they told us that we should have heard five days ago and they told us we should have known twelve days ago. If we find out results today that that I start chemo on Wednesday (I am completely making this up) normal will be defined very differently! If we find out tomorrow that a miracle has happened and the cancer isn’t cancer then on Wednesday normal will be defined very differently. If we find out tomorrow that we’ve got to wait another week normal will be very…well…

Until we get that message—whatever it is—this is normal I guess.

Maybe in-betweens ARE normal. I don’t know. I don’t know what I should be doing in this in-between. I think I’m going to keep trying to be normal—keep trying to go to coffee—keep trying to walk normal—keep trying to ignore my back pain—keep trying to not be a jerk to my wife—keep trying to be emotionally and physically present for my children—keep trying to work—or maybe I’ll just rest, continue to write my thoughts down, journal, let my back heal, read some books, and wait. Maybe I’ll do it all…or maybe I’ll just blog about it!

Thank you all for listening. My blog started in December of 2005 as a joke and has turned into a cathartic exercise that keeps me sane. I think its working!

Joining the Dispatch Fun?

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Since January of 2009 I have put together a monthly (OK, maybe it doesn’t always turn out to be monthly, but that was the goal!) newsletter. It has morphed and changed over the years as much as I myself have changed and become a different person focused on different things. Today I refer to it as a Dispatch from Downtown as it chronicles the activity and dreaming of the Grassroots Conspiracy movement that we are a part of starting here in downtown Vancouver, WA.

One of my goals is to not just tell you about what we are doing but to allow you space to enter into some of the life and movement of our downtown community. Therefore much of the content in these Dispatches is written by amazing individuals from our neighborhood who are living and dreaming the Conspiracy into reality. As I spend the next week putting the finishing touches on June’s Dispatch from Downtown I want to invite anyone and everyone who is interested to sign-up to receive it! If you’ve been following my blog and our journey through all this health stuff then you’re fully aware that what there truly is amazing things happening here in downtown Vancouver. There really is a Grassroots Conspiracy emerging where a whole community is developing around the Jesus idea of love, compassion, dying to self, and generosity…I just never expected or intended to be the guinea pig in the middle experiencing it all! I thought I would be the one doing it but instead I’m the one receiving it!

So my invitation to you is if you are not currently signed up to hear the stories, to read the report of the amazing things going on I would be remiss if I did not invite you to join in the fun! So below is a quick and easy way to join. Oh, and please feel free to invite your neighbors, friends, co-workers, aunts, uncles, chia pets, second cousins twice removed, mothers, fathers, and small little babies to join in the fun too. The story is getting too good to miss out on!
peace.

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