Category Archives: Jesus

Ups and Downs

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Life is filled with ups and downs. Even if you look at the American economy you can see how things ebb and flow, how fifteen years ago everything was perfect and we could do no wrong to today where we don’t seem to have enough jobs or money to go around. Ups and downs.

One week I was in Disneyland and the next I was discovering that I had a tumor in my spinal cord. Another week I was taking joy in learning to walk only to then find out that walking was the least of my worries. The week that I finally waved goodbye to steroids was an exciting time, but it was followed by ten days of excruciating headaches from withdraws. The night of the amazing fundraiser planned for us was followed the next day by the emergence of blood clots in my lungs. Ups and downs.

Its been a challenge the last week to find energy (both physical and emotional) following my bout with blood clots because it starts to feel like there’s always going to be ‘one more thing’. Additionally its to the point now where its hard to think about a future different thats not filled with constant rest, doctors appointments, and nausea.

Lately it’s been feeling more down than up…but as we know life is filled with both. Neither define us but both shape us. Both invite us to become new creatures, transformed into something that we could not otherwise be. Some lives are filled with more ups than downs while others are filled with more downs than ups. Most of my favorite people have experienced lots of downs.

As a follower of Jesus my belief is that death’s ass has been kicked–that life will one day be filled with ups–that the downs that we experience this side of death are temporary and only wet our appetite for a future consumed with peace, love, and joy.

Until then I think we’re invited to live into a reality that does not yet fully exist, we attempt to join in with God’s movement in bringing that future into today’s world. But part of that is the freedom and even the necessity to grieve the brokenness (the down moments) of life for what they are: imperfections introduced into God’s perfect creation.

Life is filled with ups and downs. Lately I’ve been experiencing more downs than ups, tomorrow may be different…and that’s just life this side of eternity. We anticipate, we wet our appetite, and we seek to bring that reality to todays world while simultaneously grieving the fact that it has not yet fully come. Downs suck…but that won’t always be the case…at least that’s where my hope lies. Where’s yours?

Blessed Be Your Name…really?

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A few days ago my daughter asked me to sing these words to her in bed. It struck me more deeply than it ever had just how powerfully lyrics can capture both the story of life as it is and life as we wish it were.

 

Blessed Be Your Name
In the land that is plentiful
Where Your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be Your name

Blessed Be Your name
When I’m found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Blessed be Your name
When the sun’s shining down on me
When the world’s ‘all as it should be’
Blessed be Your name

Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name

Every blessing You pour out
I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say

Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name

Music isn’t really my thing. Jess makes fun of me because of the sheer volume of lyrics that I don’t know. It really is shocking. I just don’t connect with music. But in singing this song to India I was struck by the strangeness of how this song so captures the messiness and brokenness of life as it is and yet also makes an attempt to speak a new reality into existence. Or rather, the song itself isn’t attempting to speak a new reality into existence but is trying to capture a new reality that God is able to speak into existence. That’s what God does, he speaks and things that did not exists begin. When Jesus spoke things happened, reality changed, existence was different. That’s just what God does, it’s who he is. It’s why Christians speak of new birth, its why they cling to the symbolism of baptism, its why they speak of resurrection–because they celebrate the miraculous emergence of new things.

Back to the song…In the midst of cancer, in the midst of divorce, in the midst of whatever darkness that happens to be closing in on us, are we really able to say “blessed be your name”? Is it even appropriate to say that in those moments?! My quick answer would be a resounding “no!” Of course it’s not appropriate to say “thank you Jesus that I just lost my child”. It’s appropriate to scream at God, to be angry, and to be outraged. So often we feel forced to move into a place of happiness in the midst of pain or to act as if everything is better.

Here’s what I think (at least what I’m thinking now). I think that the invitation of this song is not to artificially say “thank you Jesus” in the midst of our dark places. I think the refrain “blessed be your name” invites is to place our hope in the only place we know that can handle our brokenness. It invites us to not mask our grief but to allow our grief to be carried by God who has experienced the death of a child, extreme physical pain, social rejection, and divorce. Claiming the lyrics to this song is to own the brokenness of life as it is now while also placing hope in the only source of hope beyond life as it is–it is to live in the tension of life as it is and life as we wish it were–the exciting part, though, is that in Jesus life as I wish it were is actually a possible reality…and that’s something that brings hope.

Not many songs speak to my heart. Not many lyrics actually stick in my brain. This song did both. Thank you India Jayne.

Healing or Death…or something in-between

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Don’t be ashamed or disappointed in me, but I don’t understand or get prayer one bit. And this blog will not be one that details my confusion about prayer and how God works. That’s too big a topic, it’s too dear to my heart right now to spill out, and I wouldn’t even know where to start.

But I feel compelled to share that I don’t know if God will choose to heal me. I don’t. I believe he can. But I don’t know if he will.

Is this a lack of faith in my God? Maybe, but I don’t think so.

When I look at the life of Jesus I see a few very clear things about the nature and identity of God (’cause if we want to know about God we should look at Jesus right…I mean he is the most clear picture we have of how God thinks and acts). I see that Jesus had incredible compassion for people and that he hated to see people suffer. I see that when he encountered people who wanted healing he showed compassion and brought healing in one way or another (but rarely the same way twice). I see his compassion not just in bringing physical healing but in bringing holistic healing. He didn’t just get rid of the skin disease but he touched the untouchable person–that goes deeper than physical healing and begins to enter into the emotional realm. He didn’t just heal people physically but liberated oppressed people through his teaching and empowerment. And then clearly Jesus wasn’t just liberating people physically but inviting them into a new world of living that was free of fear of death because of a hope in resurrection and new life. Jesus was all about bringing life both here, now, and forever. I buy into that and therefore place hope in the fact that he can and wants to heal me from cancer.

BUT! (yes, I think there’s a but)

I also see that Jesus didn’t heal everybody. People died around Jesus, even his friends died. Not every cripple that lived in the time that Jesus walked around the Mediterranean was given the gift of walking. Even further, most every follower of Jesus that is considered a main character in the story not only died but was killed because they followed Jesus. They weren’t rescued from pain but entered into it because there was some larger story that they were invited into. Following Jesus actually allowed them to face death without fear. Why fear death if you know that death has no hold on you? Death plays a huge part in following Jesus–its a part of the story that can’t be ignored. I mean obviously even Jesus didn’t avoid it and hung next to a couple other guys that didn’t avoid it either (though I don’t think any of those three had cancer…though I can’t prove it!)

I’m not claiming to write a thesis here on Jesus and healing, nor am I going to make attempts at backing up every theological point I’m making (or not making). I’m not saying that I’m ready to die from cancer. I can say that I’m not ready to buy into any time frames that the statistics give me (though again, with my freakish cancer there aren’t actual specific statistics). And I can say that I want to believe and hope that I am ready for whatever my story brings me. And I can say that I want to believe that God can heal my broken body in an instant. But I also want to say that he can also work miracles in the story of my death. We all die, the question is how and to what end.

So please keep praying for my cancer to disappear, for a freakish miracle to happen that baffles every one of my oncologists, radiologists, surgeons, and pathologist. I think that would be a beautiful story and I want to tell it. But also know that part of my prayer is that God doesn’t just defeat the cancer but that he transcends it–which means that if it does take my life (and the surgeon says it will) the story that God can create will be bigger and better than I could have ever imagined. Life out of death–beauty instead of ashes–first are last–meek inherit the earth–God does stuff backwards and upside down both in death and life. That’s the story the Bible is constantly telling.

Lets tell an amazing story together.

Causality or Conspiracy

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It’s funny how one of the first places we all went when the tumor stuff started was cause. Why in the world would a tumor pop up in the middle of my spinal cord in the middle of my back? (clearly and soberly the hope is that it didn’t metastasize from some other place. If this ends up being true then the jokes just aren’t quite as funny! Which makes me want to write this blog sooner than later! Ah!) I’ve been joking about how I never should have started taping my cell phone to my back as I walked around. Damn celular radiation! Then we had some who have questioned the 1920’s community home that we live in. Are we living in a mold-infested and toxic laden home that is causing both my son and I to have negative and surprising health concerns?! We’re all trying to figure out the why question and so I’ve decided to make a list of some of the things that changed 4-5 months ago. These things are potentially directly correlated to the emergence of the tumor in my spine and Jones’ swollen lymph nodes and must be treated as so:
  1. Valentines Day. Could our over consumption of chocolate and excessive euphoria due to the mad card making we did for my wife really have caused something like this? Timing would say yes!
  2. Obio the cat. Ok, so maybe we already had Obio at this point…but I feel like I started being annoyed at the way he used his kitty litter right about this time period. This was a major change and cannot be ruled out.
  3. That one dude. You remember who you are. I met you at the pub, we talked about gardening and chickens and such. You had brown hair, drank some local brew…I feel bad but our meeting just so happens to coincide and I cannot rule you out ’cause I think at one point you brushed up against my back.
  4. Ikea Rug. This ones it. We bought that grey flowery rug at Ikea and put it right upstairs in our bedroom where I sleep! Correlation made and confirmed!
  5. Costco membership. I knew there’s just too much good stuff at Costco, too many free samples, too many flashlights in one package…too much to not make a connection to the fact that we started shopping at Costco again at the beginning of this year. Coincidence? Only my surgeon can say.
  6. Christmas. So maybe I’m stretching back a little too far here, but there is a chance that Christmas did this to me. Christmas brings with it all sorts of alternative and new experiences. Eggnog, yule logs, bearded men in chimneys…
  7. North Carolina. I should have never gone to North Carolina! Spending time with JWH and the Rutba people, watching Durham literally shut down after an inch of snow, and sitting in a classroom under the tutelage of my professors must have done something to my body that was irreparable!
  8. Exercise. I think I remember trying to actually exercise at the beginning of the year. I’m a little fuzzy on the details right now but if my memory serves me correctly I tried to exercise and even that attempt may have given me a tumor. Important note to self: for the sake of my family do not go running, weight lifting, or use any elliptical machine.

Changing gears and speaking a big more seriously I am not one to look for causes. I am not one to seek out justification, to try to figure out how God has “willed” something like this to happen. My five year old son seems to share my perspective because the night before my surgery I sat down with my son and tried to have a special conversation with him regarding “daddy’s big day”.

Jones: “daddy, it’s not that big of a deal”

Me: “You don’t think so?”

Jones: “People all over the world have tumors right now”

Me: “I guess you’re right. I guess this is something new to our family but it’s actually pretty normal on a global perspective huh?”

Jones: “Yeah. And many of those people are dying from them.”

Me: “Dying? I like to think that many people are finding new life as those tumors are removed from  their bodies!”

Jones: “What about people in Africa who do not have access to adequate medical facilities or doctors?”

Me: “Wow, you’re right. I guess we should feel really lucky and special that we live in a place where we have such good doctors huh?”

Jones: “Yeah. Can I have another pillow I’m ready for bed.”

Me: “Sure. Goodnight.”

Talk about perspective right?! Stuff happens and we don’t know why. Sometimes we’re blessed to find a cause and sometimes we are not. In my case…and I may look foolish in saying so I just can’t help but marvel at the timing of it all. The week I finished grad school and entered into what was supposed to be a two week sabbatical period was when the painful symptoms emerged. Then week following my two week sabbatical was the moment I had been counting down to when my time was completely 100% freed to do what I had been working toward doing for four years–namely giving myself completely to the work of creating the Grassroots Conspiracy in the downtown community. Instead on that first “free” Monday I was on my back for eight hours in MRI machines. Timing wise nothing was going according to plan, my eagerness to enter into new activity kept getting interrupted by all this health stuff! A good friend of mine and someone I respect deeply reflected that it

Seems like health issues come in waves, especially when…on the cusp of some strategic ministry breakthrough.

Essentially it seems like when big things are about to happen big things tend to happen (I’m quite the writer eh?) The irony beauty of all this is that instead of ME trying to work and create something in our community, everything has been turned around. I’ve been thrust into the test tube of our own dreaming. We sought out to create a community of people who are learning to buy into the Jesus way of dying to self and living for others and rather than having space and energy to live it out myself I am being forced to be the guinea pig. At first I hated it, it embarrassed me to be the recipient of all of your love. Today it still embarrasses me and continuously freaks me out as my family is showered with the love, care, and selflessness of an entire community! I’m supposed to be caring for you! I’m supposed to be doing this, I’m supposed to be coordinating meals for MY neighbors, I’m supposed to be helping YOU. Oh the irony beauty of it all. You all are amazing. Whether you like it or not you are living out the Christian narrative. Isaiah 61 captures the backwards nature of it all–broken people are bound up, mourning is turned into joy, justice if found, beauty instead of ashes–everything is turned around made backwards and beauty emerges. Love it.

1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.

and its happening before my very eyes…

Like Jones said, “tumors happen”. The real story here is that prayer, love, and sacrifice that has been given to my family because of you all does not “just happen”. You people are co-conspirators of the greatest kind.

FACT: Christians Cannot Be Boring…right?

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Very few people, if any, want to be considered dull. I certainly don’t want you to think I’m boring…or even worse, I don’t want to actually be boring! Boring people are…well…kind of boring to be around.

On the side of a hill one day Jesus powerfully told a group of outcast followers that

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.”

These are especially powerful words if you consider them written to marginalized people with little financial, political, or legal control in their lives. Think about it, how many of us have moments where we approach a migrant worker and let them know that their lives bring flavor to our world, that if they stop being who they are our world will lack zest and flavor–that essentially we not only need them but want them to be a part of our world! (as a side note, this is the potential beauty of a little idea festering on Facebook called “Vancouver Speaks” that seeks to honor the often invisible people who bring life and meaning to the city of Vancouver. Check her out and engage)

Even though it’s a powerful idea to remember that Jesus often elevated marginalized people into places of honor and beauty it still does not actually get to the point of his words about flavor. His point, I think, was that in following Jesus–in taking up his invitation to live radically, to love radically, to be transformed by an alternative (and redemptive) story one becomes a flavor changing force in the world around! Those who follow Jesus cannot be boring people because they are living out the epic story of hope, significance, meaning, sacrifice, and generosity! If you’re not bringing flavor then what are you doing?

Christians should be genuinely worried about being boring. They should be genuinely concerned with living out of the reality of the Jesus story which is one that brings joy and empowerment to marginalized peoples, it invites us to honor and dignify our children and elderly, it questions our selfishness and invites us into otherness, it should be tasty, flavorful, refreshing, and useful.

Because if your story doesn’t taste good…what’s the point?