Category Archives: observations

The Fourth Act

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I’m totally over this whole cancer thing. I mean, seriously–it’s so 2011 ya know? I miss seeing my downtown crew, the group of people that never make it into a schedule because you happen to run into them whenever you’re around town. The problem is that I’m never around town anymore. Things in my body have changed so drastically over the last few days, weeks, and months that my presence in my downtown neighborhoods has dwindled to nothing…and it’s killing me (not literally folks…at least I don’t think so!). I absolutely hate it for more than just a few reasons. But…it’s just a part of the story that I can’t seem to get away from these days.

Speaking of an inescapable story, let me quickly give you a summary as to where my body is right now. Headaches have become normal. We don’t know what is causing them, but I tend to wake up with a throbbing type of headache that comes and goes throughout the day. It’s manageable, it’s not debilitating, but it’s there.* Then there are those times where the headaches get out of control. They (the out of control ones) seem to come about every 1.5 to 2 weeks and they always draw me back to the ER (they always seem to happen on the weekends too!). The problem is that when the headaches get too bad they induce vomiting which keeps me from being able to effectively manage the pain on my own. Anyway, so weekend trips to the hospital have sadly become routine around here as have the debilitating headaches. Not the routine we’ve been hoping for!

Simultaneously my ability to walk is getting worse and worse as my right leg has become less functional. This has a greater impact than I can write about here; it deserves a whole blog unto itself. Living in a three story house and being a guy who hates to sit still in his own home this has caused not only great identity crisis but also is creating more physical pain as I refuse to slow down my life in accordance to what my body is telling me I’m able to do. My body is screaming at me to slow down, but my heart/mind/spirit/arrogance is refusing. So what ends up happening is that I crash at different moments into a puddle of exhaustion and my wife is left picking up the pieces.** Showering is exhausting, tucking my kids into bed wears me out, standing while doing the dishes leaves me sweating, essentially anything that defines home life wears me out and leaves me huffing and puffing. Sadly, my favorite pastime: reading, is a freedom that I don’t have as much anymore due to my medically induced narcolepsy! Anytime I sit down to read I end up falling asleep! it drives me absolutely crazy and is one more thing that I can no longer do!

Anyway, this blog was not intended to be a whining blog…though I think whining occasionally is perfectly OK. My intention, however, was to say some of that simply because I want you all to know where I am at right now. MRI results will be in this week and we’ll find out if the headaches are due to tumor growth or something else. The results will give us one more small piece to the puzzle, but as I think I’ve shared before, MRI results only mean so much. We’ve come to rely less on these results because they can be so fleeting in their significance. Due to the volatile state of my type of tumor, what a scan says today could be completely opposite of what it says in four weeks! Regardless, I’ve said enough concerning where things are at. Due to some of the above factors (and a few others I haven’t written about here) my life is once again filled with sick moments, regular doctors visits, and now new visits with specialists of all sorts and sizes. Or, in other words, my life has not created enough time for me to be with you or to have quality time with my wife as I would prefer.

My fear and greatest burden right now is missing out. I’m missing out on all the fun. I’m missing out ’cause I’m just too tired to participate fully. I’m missing out ’cause I’m codependent with transportation. I’m missing out ’cause I don’t have time due to all my doctor’s appointments. I’m missing out ’cause I’m sick as a dog. I’m missing out and I don’t like it. But it is, weather I like it or not, a part of my story right now. It just is. It’s that part in the middle of the movie that’s not very good, the part that you endure ’cause you’re hoping (assuming?) that it is building up to some kind of more interesting and fun-to-watch part of the movie that should be following it. It’s not a lull but a building crescendo right? Please tell me I’m crescendo-ing right now ’cause otherwise this is just plain ol’ boring and I’m kind of done with this scene.

If Act One of my movie was all about discovery and initial recovery; Act Two was about trying to figure out what life looks like as the cancer boy; Act Three was the lull of digression (what this blog has been about); at some point Act Four must begin and it should be an act marked by life giving activity, by healing, by community, and by refreshment. Right? What will act four be?

The hope, then, is that this movie is shelved in the feelgood section and not in the drama or tragedy section of the stockroom. Right?

How about this: Lets just go out there and make a good movie okay?

 

* I know there’s lots of good ideas for what to do to get rid of these or to manage these–so please know that we are and have been exploring options. I appreciate your concern and your creativity in sharing different ways of treating this stuff, but I really do have an amazing support structure around me that is always pursuing new ideas and options. So don’t worry!

 

** Another whole blog needs to be written about my wife’s role in all of this! Shesh, I’m not sure who has it worse to be honest. She does so much and receives so little praise or recognition for what she’s constantly having to give up. She is amazing-a thousand times over amazing- and she makes so much of my life possible through her hard work and constant sacrifice.

 

Bored.

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I’ll admit it, I like New Girl. Jess and I watch it on Hulu pretty much every week and generally I think it’s pretty good.

The last episode we watched centered around one of the characters discovering he had a growth on his thyroid. Could it be that he has cancer? All his friends started treating him differently, realizing that he might be dying. In the end he learns his lesson that he’s got to truly live life, he’s got to stop living in fear and start taking some bold steps out of his comfort zone (in this instance… swimming in the ocean). In the end it turns out that he does not have cancer, that it’s just a cyst and that everything is going to be alright. What a surprise?! Hurray!

I just don’t know how I feel about this episode (and I’m fairly certain there are about a dozen other shows that have told the same story). Well, for one, I found it a bit formulaic. There’s just something about it that felt all too simplistic. I get it, it’s a sitcom. Sitcoms should not ever have characters die of cancer unless its a marginal character and is somehow funny (if we can’t laugh at cancer what can we laugh at right?….right?). I sat there watching it, knowing exactly what would happen, knowing exactly what the character and his friends were going to learn, knowing for certain that it would turn out to be nothing.

Hmm…I wish I had a good point. I just felt a need to blog about it because it stirred strange feelings within me as I watched it. Maybe what it all comes down to is that I found the episode…boring. Is that it? Is that all it was? Was my true feeling underneath all this simply the idea that this episode took little to no effort to write? A child could have written this, a novice could have created a storyline where nothing actually happens but the fear of something causes the characters to learn their all too important lesson on life. Yes, maybe that’s it.

And the moral of the story is that I should have been a television writer.

Why Photography is an Illusion*

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I’ve had three separate conversations with three separate people over a period of about three days (sounds like that bad Jim Carry “scary” movie) all centered around one idea.

A photograph is an illusion. An illusion, not an allusion…though I’m sure you could allude to things in photographs…The whole concept of snapshots, in whatever field of study, gives the illusion that you are capturing life. But you are not. What I love about quality photographers is that they’re able to capture images that I did not even see. We may be looking at the same object but they see and capture that object from a perspective that was invisible to me. The photographer captured an aspect of their own perspective, but they did not capture reality. Reality is three dimensional, it is fluid, and dynamic.

But don’t get caught up too much in the photography application, because I think it’s a much bigger thing that just photos. My wife was learning the other day about how we test our bodies. X-rays, blood tests, etc. are all ways of taking snapshots of our body in order to asses health. But the problem with these snapshots is that in reality our bodies never sit still as they do for those snapshots. In reality our aches and pains are rarely experienced statically and neither does our body function internally in a static manner. At any given moment our body has numerous functions, cycles, and changes. If we then take a quick snapshot of what is happening in our body at a given moment all we learn is what is happening in our body at that given moment or in that particular stance or with that particular food in our body or…etc. Our body is so incredibly dynamic and fluid that snapshots do not do it justice! They do not capture health (or lack thereof) effectively. And, yet, virtually all of our methods for testing our bodies are based upon a static image.

The third aspect that this idea of a deficit snapshot came up is in defining culture. When someone asks me to tell them about Portland or Vancouver they’re usually asking me to explain the “culture of the Northwest”. What I proceed to do is define a snapshot of the NW. Funky, weird, liberal, creative, coffee, beer, McMenamins…This is what cultural anthropology originally set out to do, define and articulate culture. Missionaries will spend time studying the culture that they are preparing to go serve. We speak of churches having a specific culture. But what in the world does that even mean?! If a specific church has a culture are we referring to the youth group? Are we referring to how the elders operate? Are we referring to their history? What about the young families that are trying to bring change? What “culture” are we referring to? Culture is so incredibly fluid and changing, like a stream, that rather than being capable of capturing it with a snapshot maybe our goal should be to run along side it as much as we’re capable. A snapshot gives the illusion of understanding, but in reality all you’ve captured is your own lens. When you describe or capture a culture all you’ve done is created an image that says “here’s how I view this world in front of me from my own unique perspective” even if a missionary goes to a rural African village, lives in a hut for thirty years, an in every way lives with (and like) the people, he will still always be a white dude that made a choice to live in that manner and could at any moment choose to leave. He will always be understanding that culture from his perspective.

Snapshots serve a purpose, but I fear that in many ways we have allowed them to too greatly define reality as we understand and articulate it. I wonder about the snapshots we’ve used to define faith, the Biblical story, and what it means to follow Jesus.

I think our greatest hope is in the pursuit of bigger ears (listening), bigger hearts (empathy), and an understanding of our limits.

* Please don’t get me wrong, I love photography!

Team Coco and Cynicism

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I don’t watch any late night talk shows, but if I did it would be Conan. Watch this clip below and watch it till the end. His words on cynicism are excellent and timely. I, myself, have a very hard time not being cynical and am working hard on it (though, if you ask me I’d have to say I’m doing a terrible job of it and probably will give up on it soon*).

People of Peace

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a person of peace. Not a peacekeeper, but a person of peace. I define a peacekeeper as someone that avoids conflict and would prefer to shove things down and keep the status quo than to deal with things, cause conflict, and bring potentially greater and more healthy peace. I tend to fall into this second category.

I want to be known as someone who fights for peace, who makes sacrifice for peace, and who is dedicated to bringing peace. It has been interesting to view comments made over the globally loved and universally used Facebook. I’ve been noticing on facebook that we all have a hard time being people of peace. To be a person of peace you have to value other people (yes, even that person), you have to be willing to listen more than you speak, you have to value the other persons opinion, but you also have to be able to respond in love and honesty.

I believe (and have experienced lately) that it requires major sacrifice to fight for peace. Soldiers understand this, but do we understand it within our own contexts and conflicts? Are we willing and ready to sacrifice some of ourselves for peace?

Jesus was a man of peace. Don’t get me wrong, at times he was pretty harsh, in your face, and confrontational. But he was someone who was not satisfied with the status quo but instead fought to bring peace to a broken world. Talk about sacrifice right?

So I guess the big question is whether or not I want to be defined by my identity in Jesus. Do I want to be identified by the reality of the cross? Do I live a death and resurrection life? I think that if I did I might be more at peace with myself. Maybe not.