Judge me if you will. I partially judge myself ‘cause I honestly didn’t see myself as an iPad kind of guy. We always joke (though we’re kind of serious at the same time) that we don’t have to worry about people breaking into our home cause we do not have anything of value for them to steal. A burglar would be sorely disappointed upon breaking into our house to find no stereo system, no high end computers (the laptop I was given is a nice computer but I’ve always got it with me!), no jewelry,  no TV’s, no blueray players…nothing really of value to steal. We live a pretty cheap life, driving a crappy used minivan, drinking out of mason jars instead of matching glasswear, not owning a single new piece of furniture (actually, this one came to an end last week when for the first time ever we bought a bed frame…a new bed frame!). So had you told me a year ago that I’d save up some cash and buy an iPad I would have judged myself. But oh how things have changed. Oh how my perspective on many things have changed. Oh how our perceived needs (and wants) have changed. To purchase a toy for my family that will give them something to do during the hours of waiting-room wait time that they have in store doesn’t sound so criminal anymore!

We do that don’t we? Some of us do it more than others. Some are addicted to it hardcore and it shapes not only their identity but how they feel and think about every single person around them. We make assumptions. Here are some other assumptions that I’ve made in my own life…

My kids will not be picky eaters. I remember Jess and I saying this as we raised our newborn baby boy. We fed him fresh asparagus, cauliflower, leafy greens, and all those healthy things that will shape his palate for years to come. He’ll learn to eat it or he’ll go hungry! Well, when Jones was two or three he went about six months without eating dinner. No joke. We made food, he complained, we told him that ‘this is what’s for dinner’, and he chose to go without. For. Six. Months. Turns out he’s got some special needs associated with texture and such that causes certain foods to not really work in his mouth. Turns out that ‘sticking it to him’ was NEVER going to work on its own. Hmm…so now I’ve got a picky eater.

I’ll never divorce my wife. Ok, don’t freak out! We’re not getting divorced and I do not ever intend to do so! But as I’ve seen marriage after marriage fail around me, as I’ve seen people I respect do unrespectable things, as I’ve seen people who would ‘never ever get divorced’ get divorced I’ve had to face the reality that this isn’t an assumption I can make. It’s a constant choice I must make, it’s a series of choices that Jess and I must make, it’s thousands of tiny choices to be healthy that leads to a healthy and sustained marriage. “I’m never going to be that guy”…well…nobody ever plans to be that guy! The only way not to be that guy is to choose daily who you’re going to be.

My kids won’t ever act like that in public. Fill in the blank here in both location and action. My kid won’t ever do THAT in public. They won’t ever act like THAT in a restaurant. “My kid will NEVER throw a tantrum like that…” Oh, how many things like this I’ve thought. Oh how many parents I judged before I was a parent. Oh, how many assumptions I’ve made about how my children will behave. Turns out my children are humans, turns out they have thoughts and opinions and feelings. Turns out they sometimes make poor choices in public…turns out you’re not a bad parent if your kids act out in a restaurant.

I’ll never have a yappy dog. There’s probably a better way to write this one. But plain and simply I just never ever thought that I’d have a Chihuahua. Ever. Look at me now. Judge me. I deserve it.

I could go on and on about assumptions I’ve made (oh, how many of them are associated with my children!). Some of you live your life assuming that you know what’s really going on for everyone around you. Your first (and last) thought is that your perception of other people’s reality is the correct one. You more easily walk through life assuming realities about others based on your own observations without ever asking a single question or engaging in a single dialog. You honestly believe that you can know others without engaging with others. Careful. Be cautious. Beware. Life is too messy to live this way! People and life are too complicated to make judgements from a distance!

As someone who puts himself out there publicly probably too often and in too vulnerable of ways I’ve found that I put myself in a position for people to make lots of assumptions about my life and my decisions. Because I write (too much?), because I do awkward things like communicate publicly how much I make, or ask for money, or share my fears about dying, or whatever it often gives people a false sense of mastery over my motives and my reasoning. At times I’ve been hurt, at other times I’ve gotten mad, and at other times I’ve just laughed.

I struggle with making assumptions about others, about the future, and about how things should go. Assuming is the easy way out, it requires less of me, it expects less of me, it shapes me into a person that doesn’t need you to know you…and I don’t want to be that kind of person.

I might put myself out there too much in too many ways and it might come with some risks…but I think I’m going to assume that its worth it.

I worry that I see the world through rose-colored glasses, that I’m detached from reality and am living in some alternative universe where cancer doesn’t suck and death isn’t scary. Is this worry legitimate? (Just know that the answer to this rhetorical question should be answered by the fact that my wife would be laughing right now)

In general as a person I tend to minimize the bad and play up the good*…which sounds like a swell thing until you realize that at time it edges on deceitfulness and it also has cultivated in myself a lack of awareness to reality as it truly exists. For example, I’ve had to re-learn, to recognize the symptoms in my body because for most of my life I’ve downplayed any potential ache and pain and written it off as nothing. I honestly don’t notice when somethings wrong with me because I’ve trained myself to ignore everything.

“Ryan, you look sick. Are you feeling ok?” “Nah, I feel fine” (I ALWAYS feel fine)

In many of my blog posts I try to be honest about the reality of life as we’ve been experiencing it, the good with the bad, the positive with the negative, the ups and downs. But to be quite honest my baggage is such that I’ve trained myself to glaze over the bad and emphasize the good. I’m not lying, I’m not fooling anybody, I’m sharing what I am really feeling and thinking…but is what I’m feeling and thinking the reality?!

And so I find myself struggling through this journey of not only fighting cancer but trying to rediscover myself, rediscover my emotions, rediscover reality as it is. The goal isn’t to pout more or to become more pessimistic–no, the goal, I think, is awareness. It is to be present–present in my surroundings, present in my suffering, present in my body, present in my emotions…to be present.

* This is what an Enneagram 9 does!