My son and I are amidst the same struggle. We both have legitimate excuses: he’s five and I’ve on ‘roids. Neither of us want to let those excuses excuse us from responsibility for being a jerk. Again, he’s five and I’m twenty-eight.
Jones was listening to his favorite book on tape A Wrinkle In Time and was therefore in his fog that comes with his complete absorption into the story. It was during this time that exuberant young full of life three year old India came and tried to look (or take) what Jones was holding (in this case maybe a blanket? It honestly doesn’t matter). Without hesitation or little provocation Jones began to pummel his sister repeatedly and without abandon. She responded as a little three year old girl does and should: life as she knew it was over. My response was to immediately put Jones in time out on the stairs…kind of. Right now I’m really having a hard time regulating my emotions–they swing more than they ever have and its been challenging for me to say the least to learn to regulate these new found extreme emotions. I’ve always been a steady, even, and controlled person so I even scared myself when I forcefully ripped Jones’ headphones off his head and ripped a pacifier out of his mouth (another story for another place). Even further when Jones started screaming and then shrieking (I cannot explain how loud this “shriek” part was) I yelled loud at him (STOP!) grabbed his shoulders and told him to go upstairs. I know I grabbed his shoulders too hard because it was clear but also because as he’s crying and going upstairs he’s saying “you don’t have to be so rough with me…” It was not good parenting…and Jess took over…upstairs. I stayed downstairs, cooled off, and tried to reheat dinner. Thanks to grandma (who’s eyes were quite wide at this moment) dinner actually got made.
I say all that confessionally but also to get to the conversation that my son first had with Jess and then had with me. I’ll try to recount it as best I can (and I might kind of blend the two conversations a bit into one).
Jones: (tearfully) I don’t want to do things like hitting India. Its like my brain can’t stop it. I try and I try but I can’t seem to control myself. I don’t know what to do I just can’t stop!
Jess: It’s hard huh. That’s called impulse control. That must be really scary to feel out of control.
Jones: It is scary and I don’t know how to stop (crying increases). How can I control myself when I just do it and don’t know what I’m doing? I don’t want to be like this! And I don’t know why daddy is acting like this either. He never acts like this. Why is he so harsh? He just grabbed my shoulders hard and he doesn’t do that!
Jess: Daddy is having a hard time with impulse control too huh.
Jones: Yeah and I don’t like it!
(later, laying in bed with me and after rehashing the same content above)
Me: It sounds like we’re really experiencing the same things right now huh Jones?
Jones: Yeah, I don’t like it.
Me: Me neither. Did you know that daddy is on some drugs right now called steroids that make it hard for me to control my emotions?
Jones: Really? Why do they do that?
Me: Well the steroids are helping my body, but they come with things called side affects. One of those side affects is all this extra emotion that I’m having to learn how to deal with. We’ve got to work pretty hard to make good choices even when we’re feeling out of control huh?
Jones: Yeah. I can’t wait ’till you’re off steroids.
Me: Me too. But I don’t think its just the steroids I think daddy is also just learning how to cope with all the changes in his body. Do you think we can both work on trying to make good choices even when we’re feeling out of control?
Jones: Yeah I think so…Dad, is your tumor benign?
Me: What? (I was completely caught off guard here) Actually they thought it was but now they’re actually still studying it trying to figure out what it is.
Jones: What’s benign again?
Me: Benign means that the tumors not doin’ much, it’s just sitting there in my back chillin’. But guess what, they sent my tumor to a place called the Mayo Clinic and it’s one of the best hospitals in the entire world!
Jones: WHAT! (laughing) The best hospital in the entire world! Do they let little boys go there?
Me: I bet they do.
Jones: I want to go there. What are they doing with your tumor?
Me: They’re studying it and watching it. It’s acting weird and they’re trying to figure out what it’s doing.
Jones: Well I’m glad that its at such a good hospital. I hope I can go there. But it’s not cancer right?
Me: (I chickened out) I hope not, but we’re still waiting to find out. Hopefully we’ll find out soon.
Jones: Well I’m glad it’s at the Mayo Clinic.
Me: Me too.
*end scene*
It’s funny how one of the first places we all went when the tumor stuff started was cause. Why in the world would a tumor pop up in the middle of my spinal cord in the middle of my back? (clearly and soberly the hope is that it didn’t metastasize from some other place. If this ends up being true then the jokes just aren’t quite as funny! Which makes me want to write this blog sooner than later! Ah!) I’ve been joking about how I never should have started taping my cell phone to my back as I walked around. Damn celular radiation! Then we had some who have questioned the 1920’s community home that we live in. Are we living in a mold-infested and toxic laden home that is causing both my son and I to have negative and surprising health concerns?! We’re all trying to figure out the why question and so I’ve decided to make a list of some of the things that changed 4-5 months ago. These things are potentially directly correlated to the emergence of the tumor in my spine and Jones’ swollen lymph nodes and must be treated as so: