Category Archives: Ryan’s mind

Happy Birthday My Love

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My wife was born twenty-eight years ago yesterday. That was a very good day…for everyone but her mom who had to do the whole birth thing…which is beautiful in retrospect but kind of painful (so I hear) in process.

For the last eleven years and ten months we’ve been a something. For the last eight years and a few months we’ve been even more. For the last seven years we’ve learned how to love each other as we learn to love and lead people. For the last six years and a few months we’ve figured out how to love each other with kids and minivans. For the last nine months we’ve learned how to be partners in leading a movement. For the last five months we’ve discovered a deeper sense of commitment to each other than the previous eleven combine.

All throughout, from when we started dating on Y2K to today she has ever been my friend and partner. She causes me to laugh more than any other person and brings me great joy. But it’s been the last five months that she’s had to give virtually everything…

She’s been a single parent, caring for our two high-energy, amazing kids virtually on her own. Taking them to doctors appointments, scheduling biopsy surgeries, taking them to occupational therapy, play therapy, and school all on her own. She’s been a chauffeur for our whole family, driving me to physical therapy, radiation therapy, appointments with my oncologist, radiologist, naturopath, brain surgeon, and phlebotomist among others. She’s been my nurse, at times giving me regular acupuncture in my feet, giving me shots in my stomach, preparing my food, helping me down the stairs, and helping me figure out my pills. She’s been forced into farming, caring for our fish, our cat, our dog, and our chickens…none of which she truly cares about. She’s endured my moodiness, my varying pain threshold, my sleepiness, my vile body odor, and the random water weight that seems to creep up my face and arm pits (gross right?). She’s endured and supported our family amidst the unknowness of everything–is it benign or cancerous? Is it bad cancer or not-to-bad cancer? Is it in my brain or not? Is it gone or not? Am I dying or not? Will I walk again or not? Is this the new normal or not? She works as a teacher. She works as a creator of community. She works constantly and looks beautiful all throughout!

If you were sitting in Mon Ami (the cafe by our home) where Jess is sitting only three tables away with one of her friends, you’d see me awkwardly tearing up as I think about how blessed I am to be partners with such an amazing woman. I have no idea how long we’ll be blessed to walk this earth together but I can be certain that every moment spent with her is one more than I deserve and I am learning to cherish each and every single experience with the most lovely, beautiful woman I could ask for.

Happy birthday Jess!

When Do We Stop Listening

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On a recent blog post a person commented “how long should we listen?” This question was in regard to me suggesting that regardless of your theological position on homosexuality–whether it’s right or wrong or whether the answer is to embrace it or live celibate or whatever*, we should take a posture of listening and open dialog.

I think there is a major assumption that underlies many people’s questions regarding the idea of listening and dialoging with those who see things differently from us. That assumption is that the only reason we listen and dialog to others is in order to achieve our desired outcomes. The assumption is that if somehow I know ahead of time that you will never ‘come around’ to my point of view there is then no reason to dialog with you. What’s the point if you won’t ever agree with me? While it is obviously impossible to know if someone will ever agree with us I think it is important that we challenge this assumption head on and question it for what it is…

We all do it at times. We do. Don’t deny it. But to only engage in dialog and to only listen to others when we think it’ll achieve our goals is unkind and denies the dignity of the other person. It assumes that they’re ignorant. It assumes they’re wrong. It assumes that we have nothing to learn. It assumes a lot. It is also slightly deceitful. Am I really listening to you if I’m only doing it in order to make you think as I do? I may pretend like I value your opinion, but if my purpose is to invalidate that opinion then how honest am I being?

What if we listened to each other because we valued the other’s voice? Because we valued that their opinions and thoughts represent who they are, what they value, and how they’re creating meaning in the world. What if we lived out of a place that recognized that while we cannot walk in their shoes and experience the moments that have shaped them, we can honor those experiences by valuing their voice–not because we want to change them but because we value who they are and who they are becoming. We’re all becoming something, we’re all being changed and transformed, and none of us are truly certain of who we are becoming (though we all hope to be changing in some kind of intentional direction don’t we!). So to listen to others, to make space in our lives for a posture of openness to dialog to those who think differently and see the world differently does not require that try to change them but rather that we believe we’re both being changed–that life is not static, and that life is not done in a vacuum but in relationship with others!

So how long should we listen? We should listen until they’re done talking or until dinner time ’cause then it’s time to eat and everyone knows it’s rude to talk with your mouth full.

 

* Not to suggest these are the only two options…or even to suggest that ‘options’ is a word to be used in this context!

Birthright

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Birthright is a crisis pregnancy center without the frills. They are not involved in politics. They are not involved in anti-abortion rallies. They are not involved in the medical world. Instead Birthright attempts to be all about creating a space where women can connect, find support, be listened to, and cared for. Early on in Birthright’s story they decided that involvement in politics, while important, could get in the way of a woman feeling safe or comfortable in visiting a Birthright house.

I’ve been on the board of Vancouver’s Birthright for a few years now and am continually impressed by it’s commitment to individuals, by their willingness to live and die in relationship, and by their commitment to a non-judgmental and invitational posture toward women in crisis.

If you’re a woman in a crisis pregnancy that needs a safe environment to ask questions, be pointed toward resources, or to just be listened to you should come downtown to Birthright on the corner of 17th and Broadway.

If you’re a woman who wants to volunteer a few hours of your week to be available at the Birthright house to listen to women you can call 360-604-8156. We’re always looking for women who are willing to take that non-judgmental posture toward others and who are willing to prioritize listening over speaking.

As an organization they’re still a little old school (visit their website and you’ll see www.birthright.org) and we’re working on that. But as a philosophy, in practice they are right on with what I think we should be all about! Listening. Caring. Being present for others. Compassion. Relationship. Good stuff…

What is Healthy Recovery?

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So we’re in recovery mode now. I’ve been done with radiation and chemo for a few weeks and slowly but surely I’m gaining back strength and energy. In many ways I almost feel like a real boy again (I’m picturing myself saying this like Pinocchio).

But it’s been a strange process to realize how difficult recovery is truly going to be. The physical recovery is one thing: neuro-rehab (starting at the end of the month) to hopefully get my paralyzed leg working fully, eating healthy and normal again now that I’m able to, getting into normal sleep habits now that I’m off steroids, and learning to balance my energy so I don’t over do it and crash. It’s the other recovery stuff that is so difficult. I’ve got a wife who’s been a single mom caring for an invalid for three plus months and she’s tired. I’ve got kids who are not only grieving the reality of the previous three months but are still missing the dad that went on bike rides with them and could wrestle with them. And then there’s the reality of MRI scans on September 22nd and the October 12th meeting with my oncologist to determine what’s next. Am I cancer free? Has it spread to my brain? Has the tumor grown? Is the tumor gone?

Relatively speaking I feel great (relatively speaking!) part of me is ready to go back to work full-time, to be the busy body around the house that I used to be, and to be out in the real world more consistently. But I am learning (thanks to advice from family, mentors, doctors, and friends) that this is not healthy recovery!!!

Here’s what I think a healthy recovery is looking like for us (though it may change tomorrow):

  • Spending lots of time together as a family
  • Finding a good and simple rhythm to our life as a family (thanks to Jones going to school we’re actually achieving this!)
  • Discovering and utilizing tools for our kids to work through their grief and anger over my sickness
  • Taking time away for just Jess and I (counting down to September 30th at the beach)
  • Getting a dog (yes, we just got a dog! Even though Jess and I are definitely not dog people it seemed like a good idea for our kids. We call it a therapy dog…and her name is Ruby)
  • Physical therapy–starting at the end of the month. Hopefully it’ll help and I’ll one day be able to drive again!
  •  Creating space for Jess to recover–this might be THE most important thing considering how much she’s given over the last three months
  • Keeping life simple and not adding in too much stuff and clutter (even though we are eager to do so many things!)
  • Pursuing a healthy spiritual vitality for our whole family
  • Keeping a simple, yet consistent, connection with our downtown community
  • Finding ways to laugh, have fun, and be silly.
I’m sure there’s more that belongs on that list. Recovery is tough ’cause it’s not just a matter of doing the things we did before. Everything has changed, we now live in a post-my-dad-has-cancer world, and things are different now. Recovery is exciting too because it’s a process of discovery–discovery of what the new ‘normal’ is going to be.
Thank you all for being present and patient with us as we discover and re-discover what healthy recovery looks like.
peace.

Take Time to be Silly

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“Do you have space in your life for being silly?”

That’s the question that my friend Chris asked me today. It wasn’t intended to be a silly question, he was very serious. Later Dwayne added in the observation that there’s something about “becoming” and adult that makes us want to leave our silly ways behind. Katie becomes Kate. Joey becomes Joe. Billy goes by Bill. Why? Because they’re all grown up, we’re adults now and have to act like it!

There are some who live their lives without an ounce of seriousness and live into their silly nature a little too much. But for most of us we are so incredibly busy, we are so consumed with our work, with responsibility, with being mature, with being an adult that we miss out on the joy and freedom of silliness. Being silly in and of itself can be understood as an act of dignity can’t it? Allowing others to live into their silliness is to allow them to let go, to experience a bit of freedom, and to…well…have a little fun. Some might argue that being silly is actually an undignified way to act, but I would suggest that if we truly respect ourselves and others we will be willing to honor that part of us that demands light heartedness and freedom. Some of us will live into our silliness easier than others and we’ll all define what it looks like differently. But maybe its worth it to take Jesus’ advice and not worry about tomorrow, maybe its worth it to trust that the existence of giraffes proves that silliness is built into our worlds identity. We can’t escape it. All we can do is fight against it or give in. Our culture tells us to fight against it because you’re all grown up: Jim’s don’t act silly! Jimmy’s all grown up and has got to be responsible…OR…Jim could slow down his hectic pace in life just enough to find space to laugh, chill, do something goofy, stop taking himself so seriously, stop stressing about every little thing in life, and go draw with some sidewalk chalk infront of his house. I’d suggest drawing a giraffe ’cause you know those things are just plain ol’ goofy lookin’.