Tag Archives: funny

My Wife Just Can't Understand

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My wife just can’t understand what it’s like to go through what I’m going through. She can’t understand what it’s like to have all the extra hormones that I had to deal with while I was hopped up on steroids for six months. Crying at a moments notice, being moody, irrational, and generally having a different emotional disposition are all things that she just can’t understand.

Try as she may my beautiful wife who is chronically thin has no idea what its like to pour on thirty pounds in just a few months. Even worse, knowing that the extra pounds are not permanent keeps one from justifying purchasing more clothes to cover the new girth. She just absolutely doesn’t get it! She can’t imagine how awkward it is to need to use a rubber band to hold my pants together ’cause the button won’t reach the buttonhole.

She’s never had something foreign growing inside her, sucking her life’s energy and strength to feed its own growth. It’s as if I have a parasite living in my back…but its not a parasite, it’s a tumor. There’s no way she can comprehend the loss of control one feels with something like that being inside of you, one with you, and yet completely foreign. She just can’t get it.

Jess doesn’t know what its like to be nauseous day in and out, for food to not sound good for months at a time, and to be stuck on your back all day every day. She doesn’t understand how boring it is to be on bed rest, to not feel good enough to read, and yet to realize that there truly isn’t anything good to watch on TV. Nope, she doesn’t get it.

I keenly remember when I was at the hospital the transition that happened as I lost any need for privacy. So many doctors and nurses had looked at my body, poked and prodded it, that I lost any sense that there was anything to hide. Jess can’t understand that. She can’t understand what its like to be exposed so many times and so regularly that you forget you might have anything to be ashamed of.

Jess can’t understand how taxing it is to have to go to the doctor all the time, to feel like you’ve got a chain connecting you with your doctor ’cause you aint ever going to get to far from ’em. No way, no how she understands that frustration.

Speaking of frustration!!! She has absolutely no way to understand how annoying it is to have to pee constantly! I swear I’m like an eighty year old man (my apologies to any eighty year old men I just offended)! I pee every five minutes…and there’s no way my wife gets that. She can’t understand what that’s like for sure. And it’s not just pee either, no way she understands what severe constipation feels like. It is a miserable feeling that she just can’t sympathize with.

Thank God I got a vasectomy last year.

I see…

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I’m sitting here in a cafe and I’m fascinated by the things I see.

I see a beautiful woman with dreadlocks, brown sweater, and a hoop through her nose.

I see a comfy chair made out of burlap sacks.

I see a man with three coffee drinks in front of him.

I see a man wearing a jacket that’s too short.

I see a man wearing socks with sandals.

I see Don Cheadle

I see a window filled with pastries of the most delicious kind.

I see mocha pots suspended from the ceiling.

I see nine iPhones.

I see a booger suspended from a woman’s nose only a few feet away.

I see biscotti.

I see a lambswool vest.

I see a man with feet as big as my chest…no joke.

I see beards.

I see plaid.

I see a blog post that is slightly random, potentially boring, and partially filled with half-truths. (if you also see this please keep it to yourself!)

Surprise! A few stories I never thought would be in my past

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I just never thought that I’d be able to claim these things as experiences that are a part of my past. Life brings surprises doesn’t it? Hmm…a few stories…

  • After ripping one out, for thirty minutes I sat there with my wife and our twenty-eight year old female nurse as she drained my bladder via a newly inserted temporary catheter. We sat there as she held me gently and talked about our kids and the weather. Later that night we all played cards together. I just never thought that, number one, I’d have five catheters ripped in and out, and number two, that I’d be playing games with the woman who did it! Awkward? No, not really.
  • On the same topic…I just never thought that I’d ever walk around with a bag of urine strapped to my leg…in shorts…the worst was when I was doing rehab therapy and had to lay down and do leg lifts. Lets just say that those bags don’t have any kind of valve to keep the fluid from going back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. Gross.
  • I never thought I’d have to re-learn so many simple things. At different points I’ve had to learn how to re-put on my clothes/shoes, re-learn to drive, I hope to re-learn to ride a bike, obviously re-learn to walk, and eventually re-learn to run among other things. There are so many things I took for granted! Who’d of thought?!
  • I never thought I’d have to inspect my feet like I have leprosy. Just a few weeks ago I got an infection on my middle toe. Mostly it was due to me not realizing that there was a sore that needed attention…because I couldn’t feel it. Similarly I never thought that buying new shoes would be so difficult! I can’t really tell if they fit, if they’re smashing my toes, etc. Strange.
  • I never thought that my four year old daughter would be a faster runner than me. My kids keep inviting me to race…I think they like that they keep genuinely winning!
  • I never thought that X-Men would bring me to tears.
  • Pit swelling. I never thought that I’d suffer from armpit swelling. Yes, it’s a thing. It’s when you gain water weight in your armpits because of those lovely and terrible steroids. Ever suffer from excessive pit fat? I do.
  • My friends call me Tony the Tiger because I’m covered in flakes. No joke (yes it was). Due to my meds (I hope it’s the meds!) my body is a peeling mess. From my feet to my head my skin scales off like a lizard. Its gross. I’m gross. And, yes, that just happened (referring to lame Tony the Tiger joke)
  • I don’t want to get gross on you here (the catheter stuff wasn’t too gross was it?) and I won’t turn it into a story…but lets just say that for three weeks of my life I’d head into the bathroom with a plunger, baby wipes, and latex gloves. It was a difficult time for me, and one that I’d like to forget.
Oh the stories, oh the things I just never anticipated, oh how I didn’t get into some of the more grotesquely awesome stuff! (you’re welcome)

Have You Seen it Yet?

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Love the story behind the story and am intrigued by the movie. Definitely hits close to home! Have you seen it? Should I?

Steve and Jimmy Will Make You Cry

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Ok ok, I realize I’ve already posted a few video clips over the last week. It’s not because I don’t have anything to say but rather I keep finding these great things that need to be shared with the world. I can’t tell you how much I love the late night crossover stuff. When Conan is on Colbert or Jon Stewart is on Jimmy Fallon’s show beautiful things happen. Watch the videos below and let yourself cry due to their beauty.