Tag Archives: Ryan’s mind

It's All Spiritual

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We all love boxes. You love boxes, I love boxes, we all love boxes.

I’m not talking about moving, I’m talking about how we love to create boundaries around things. Even you weirdos that say you’re an ‘outside the box person’ still find your value as an ‘outside the box person’ based on an ‘outside the box’ box that you’ve created. Boxing things allows us to simplify the way we think and view the world around us. It makes life easier ’cause it reduces the amount of thinking I have to do. If I look at you and place you in a box (which we all do!) then I can move forward with a whole set of assumptions about you, about how I relate with you, about how I should treat you, etc. If we’re being honest, boxes are essential…maybe not beneficial…but generally pretty essential.

One box, though, that I’m sick of is the spiritual box. Ok, don’t let me lose you yet, let me explain first. We love to create boxes around things spiritual and things physical. It’s these boxes that allow some religious groups to pray and never seek medial help. It’s these boxes that cause many Christians to pray instead of going to counseling. It’s these kind of boxes that cause some people to look for answers everywhere BUT their identity in God. It’s these boxes that create an artificial dichotomy that is not beneficial for our health, our healing, and our future.

The reality, I believe, is that everything is spiritual. Everything. Why did I get cancer? Some say it’s spiritual warfare. Others say it’s a disruption in my energy flow because of childhood trauma. Others say it’s a fluke. Others say it’s because I shop too much at Costco. The reality, I believe, is that all those things are spiritual! (Ok, maybe not Costco) It’s not one or the other.

So did I get cancer because of spiritual warfare (I realize this is a really bad term to use that’s loaded with nasty baggage. Please forgive me for using it and take it in its most un-baggaged way)? Hell yes! Of course its spiritual warfare (define it how you will)! Did I get cancer because something got jacked up in my body? Yes! Are those two things mutually exclusive? Absolutely not. The distinctions we’ve created in our western world between the physical and the spiritual is a much bigger blog than what I’m able to write today–but if the reality of Jesus walking on earth tells us anything it’s that the spiritual and the physical are forever and always intimately connected. If the idea of God being a creator God tells us anything it’s that the spiritual and the physical are forever and always intimately connected. If the idea of promised resurrection and victory over death tells us anything it’s that the physical and the spiritual are intimately connected. “Intimately connected” might not even be a strong enough way to say it because the two cannot be separated.

We may spend lots of our time trying to create boxes in our lives around people, ideas, and ways of living–but the spiritual should not be one of them. Everything is spiritual–how we eat, how we heal, how we live, how we love. It all matters and it’s all connected.

Happy Birthday My Love

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My wife was born twenty-eight years ago yesterday. That was a very good day…for everyone but her mom who had to do the whole birth thing…which is beautiful in retrospect but kind of painful (so I hear) in process.

For the last eleven years and ten months we’ve been a something. For the last eight years and a few months we’ve been even more. For the last seven years we’ve learned how to love each other as we learn to love and lead people. For the last six years and a few months we’ve figured out how to love each other with kids and minivans. For the last nine months we’ve learned how to be partners in leading a movement. For the last five months we’ve discovered a deeper sense of commitment to each other than the previous eleven combine.

All throughout, from when we started dating on Y2K to today she has ever been my friend and partner. She causes me to laugh more than any other person and brings me great joy. But it’s been the last five months that she’s had to give virtually everything…

She’s been a single parent, caring for our two high-energy, amazing kids virtually on her own. Taking them to doctors appointments, scheduling biopsy surgeries, taking them to occupational therapy, play therapy, and school all on her own. She’s been a chauffeur for our whole family, driving me to physical therapy, radiation therapy, appointments with my oncologist, radiologist, naturopath, brain surgeon, and phlebotomist among others. She’s been my nurse, at times giving me regular acupuncture in my feet, giving me shots in my stomach, preparing my food, helping me down the stairs, and helping me figure out my pills. She’s been forced into farming, caring for our fish, our cat, our dog, and our chickens…none of which she truly cares about. She’s endured my moodiness, my varying pain threshold, my sleepiness, my vile body odor, and the random water weight that seems to creep up my face and arm pits (gross right?). She’s endured and supported our family amidst the unknowness of everything–is it benign or cancerous? Is it bad cancer or not-to-bad cancer? Is it in my brain or not? Is it gone or not? Am I dying or not? Will I walk again or not? Is this the new normal or not? She works as a teacher. She works as a creator of community. She works constantly and looks beautiful all throughout!

If you were sitting in Mon Ami (the cafe by our home) where Jess is sitting only three tables away with one of her friends, you’d see me awkwardly tearing up as I think about how blessed I am to be partners with such an amazing woman. I have no idea how long we’ll be blessed to walk this earth together but I can be certain that every moment spent with her is one more than I deserve and I am learning to cherish each and every single experience with the most lovely, beautiful woman I could ask for.

Happy birthday Jess!

Pledging Allegiance to What?

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I was the son of a preacher man. I was homeschooled. Enough said.

Right?

Today’s my son’s first day at public school and it felt…weird. It was weird because it’s an experience that I don’t really share (I did go to first and second grade…but that was oh so long ago!). It was weird because a part of me feels guilty for shipping him off (homeschooler, remember?). It was weird because my son’s such an odd kid and he was really concerned that his backpack cubby was too far away from his desk and it seemed like too much work to him to have to walk back and forth. It was weird ’cause there were some kids just sobbing at their desk. It was weird ’cause he’s now a part of the system…integrated.

But you want to know what felt the most strange? Walking out of the school to the kids all saying the pledge of allegiance. Isn’t there something strange about our kids reciting the pledge of allegiance?

I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.

Honestly I don’t really want my kid pledging allegiance to a flag or a nation. I’d much rather my kid pledge allegiance to things that last, to things that matter.

al·le·giance

(noun)

1. the loyalty of a citizen to his or her government or of a subject to his or her sovereign.

2. loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause, or the like.

Do I want my kid claiming devotion to America? Really? If you could claim complete devotion to something and insert into your life a daily rhythm in order to support this devotion to what would you choose to devote yourself? Loving your neighbor? Being a faithful spouse? Devotion to God? Devotion to peace, unity, generosity? Devotion to America…

So…

Stand up–as if you’re ready to take action, poised and prepared to follow through with the committment you’re about to make

Stand in unity–stand amongst friends, co-workers, classmates because if we’re going to stand for something we’re better off standing together

Place your hand on your heart–as a symbol of the unification of your heart which represents your core inner identity and your hands which represent the actions that result from your personhood

Pledge devotion–to something, to someone, to some idea. But mean it. Live it. Love it. Die for it.

Some will choose flag and country others will choose anarchy…but we should all choose…shouldn’t we?

To be honest I bet Jones was completely confused by the whole thing. I’m imagining a silly look on his face begging the question “what the heck are we doing?” The kid questions everything and doesn’t let anything slide…crazy kid. I hope he enjoys his first day at school.

Top 15 Things I've Learned About Fighting Cancer

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(I could have typed a list of twenty…but here are fifteen in no specific order)

  1. Having a good medical clinic with not only doctors that you trust but a supporting staff that serves as your advocate is huge (thank you Northwest Cancer Specialists!)
  2. Physically and emotionally things can swing from amazingly wonderful to hell and back in a matter of hours. Finding that tension between living in the moment and realizing that it truly is just a moment is both important and difficult.
  3. Learning to be honest with yourself and with others about how you feel (both good and bad…though for me being honest with self and others about the bad was much more difficult) is hugely important not only for support but also for your health.
  4. Prayer works. I don’t mean to say that it works like some amulet or charm, that it’s a hocus pocus trick that if you get enough people praying you’re going to make it. But God does speak, he does act, and he does value our voices. In all of my healing (both emotional and physical) prayer has been central…and it makes a difference.
  5. I’d rather be sick than be the caretaker. This is harder for my wife than it is for me and she deserves all the grace, pampering, and vacations I can muster to show her how grateful I am.
  6. A loving and capable wife/caretaker covers a multitude of sins. If it weren’t for Jess I would not be doing as well as I’m doing now. I wouldn’t have always remembered or had the strength to take my meds and do the things I need to do to bring healing. From shots in the belly to chicken noodle soup, from acupuncture in my feet to being my private chauffeur she has covered every base and done it without complaining or faltering even once. Simply amazing.
  7. Being positive is generally easy when you’re constantly showered with support from a loving community.
  8. Being prayed over by your doctors is kind of surreal. Both my oncologist and my naturopath have held my hands and prayed over me in their office. It was a trip and it was pretty damn cool. Not only have both of these two docs prayed over me but they are actively working in partnership together (a very rare thing). What a blessing!
  9. Setbacks are a part of the mix but they don’t define it. Blood clots, pulmonary embolisms, side affects, headaches, vomiting, constipation, weight loss and weight gain, swelling, rashes, etc. came and went (though some seem to linger at times) but they are not the focus. It gets easy to be caught up in these ‘little’ things and forget the real task at hand: killing cancer.
  10. I’d rather be in pain (to an extent) than be constantly overwhelmed with exhaustion. When you’re so tired that you cannot physically function in any way and your brain is in a constant cloud its quite debilitating. At the same time, however, it doesn’t ‘feel’ like anythings wrong. I like that when I’m in physical pain I feel like I’ve got something to fight against, an enemy to beat. The exhaustion stuff was hard on the emotions and soul.
  11. Waiting is what you do. It’s just a part of it whether you like it or not. You wait for results, you wait for recovery, you wait in doctors offices, you wait…wait…wait. Get used to waiting.
  12. There are three ways that we have been blessed by people’s help: Routine, random, and offered. The routine help has been a lifesaver (no joke, i don’t say that lightly); knowing that someone will help us pick up our house on a few specific days a week allows us to focus on things like expending the little energy we have with our children instead of the dishes. Routine help has been wonderful. The spontaneous/random stuff has been great too: when people showed up with cups of coffee early in the morning or pints of ice cream in the evening, when people randomly watered our failing garden outside because they noticed it needed to be done…this kind of stuff brought tears to my eyes often. Finally (and I don’t say this in a jaded way) anytime people offered to help (even if they were unable to follow through) it was a blessing to be genuinely cared about. Even when it did not come to fruition the offers mean something to me and I am grateful.
  13. Supportive parents (on both sides) is such a gift. We couldn’t have gotten this far without our family (siblings included!!). Enough said.
  14. You don’t know what works…and you probably never will. If (when) the cancer is gone I won’t know if it’s because of your prayer, the natural supplements I take, the hydro-therapy I do, the positive energy in our life, the radiation, the chemo, the things I’m doing to make my body more alkaline, the food I eat, the acupuncture treatments, or something else! Most likely the answer is “all of the above” but all I can do is to keep doing the next most right thing.
  15. A story is always being told. In death, in life, in sickness, and in health our lives are telling a story. I hope my story is defined by its inclusion in one larger than itself (larger than myself!) that includes love winning, death being overrun, and peace reinging free. And I hope that regardless of my life situation the story I live is consistent with its inclusion in the larger narrative.

It Tastes Like Burning

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I think I’ve figured out that I do better handling physical pain than I do the monotony of exhaustion, queasiness, and discomfort. Physical pain functions somewhat as an enemy that I can fight against while the other stuff seems to keep me more depressed and unplugged from life. It creeps up on you and doesn’t give you a direct enemy to stand up against. So I spend most of my week sleeping though Saturday, Sunday, and Monday I have a bit more energy. Saturday is reserved for my family, Sunday is my big social day as we have our community meal (though few realize that following the meal I literally sleep/rest from 4 ’till the next morning!), and Monday ends up being filled with prep for the week ahead(counting out pills, doing bills, etc.).

As far as an update, in the last week a new symptom has crept up where the skin on my sides and stomach feel like they’re on fire. The nerves are on edge and I spend most the day trying to keep a shirt, wife, or sheet from touching me. Today I talked to my doctor about it and guess what…I get to go back on steroids! The steroids are intended to reduce any swelling in my spine that could be causing the symptoms. Additionally today I’ll be going in for an MRI to make sure there’s no bleeding in my spine that could also be a cause.

All in all I’m a week and a half away from being done with my radiation and chemo treatments which means that I’m about five and a half weeks away from my first set of MRI’s that will show progress or digression in fighting against the cancer (the MRI I’m receiving today shouldn’t provide much valuable information at this point in time). Pray for that date at the end of September!

I miss being a part of y’alls life but I am still constantly amazed at how we’ve been  cared for. I could list off over 100 names of people who have brought us meals, helped pick up our house, or have sent gifts or cards. The good news is that now that I’m back on steroids I’ll be able to cry again as I think about how amazing you all have been (I’ve truly missed the gift of tears lately).

See you all soon (after August 24th hopefully)

peace.